Thursday, December 3, 2020

Only if I Die

 How bad is bad?

A quarter of a cup of blood from the lungs every few hours; that seems to be bad. (Or maybe it's good, that the metastatic tumours are bleeding, I have them on the run, yeah?).

Pain is beyond anything I could have described. Sleep is out of reach, there's only an eerie doze lit with dreams I don't want to recall.

There's no Care Team, but that may be a good thing. I can't look to a magician for salvation, nor for a prognostication..."How long have I got, Doc?"

I'm on my own, with nothing left but the determination not to die. And that's the way it should be. This is my fight. Not that of some doctor, or some insurance adjuster.

I love my wife and my dogs so much. Maybe I'm supposed to 'fall into the arms of Jesus and let go.' I have been told this, more than once.

Maybe later.

I am staying. (And since present is the Five Minute Friday prompt this wek, I igure I have that covered.)

There is no more the world can do,

there is nowhere to hide,

and there’s only one way through

to the other side

of this vale of blood and tears,

if another side exists,

and that’s to put aside my fears

and with all strength resist

temptation to give up the fight,

to rest, now, and give in,

for even in this fading light,

I still think I can win.

This may kill me; it will try,

but I’ll only be dead if I die.


This clip from Avengers: Infinity War says it best. (Click here if your device loadeth not the video.)


Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.










31 comments:

  1. Fight on brave warrior. Yes, you definitely have the word present covered. Thank you for sharing your heart about staying and fighting for life. I am praying for you and Barb.

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    1. Jolene, thank you so much for this gracious encouragement, and most especially for your prayers!

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  2. '...and that’s to put aside my fears and with all strength resist temptation to give up the fight' - praying for renewal of strength for you Andrew.

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    1. Wemi, thank you so much for this prayer. It hits the mark.

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  3. I tell you what, Andrew, you have stayed longer than I would have. We love you and B...

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    1. Susan, staying has been hard, but you are one of the factors that makes life worthwhile.

      We love you, too.

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  4. We continue to cheer you on, dear friend! You are a gift to us all. Karen :)

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    1. As you are truy the most valuable of gifts to me, Karen. Bless you.

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  5. My father in law is too coughing up blood from COVID related pneumonia. It is disconcerting for anyone doing that! I pray you do doze a bit today and have a good dream! Jennifer

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    1. Jennifer, your father-in-law is in my prayers Coughing up blood really sucks.

      Thank you so much for your prayers, and for being here.

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  6. Keep fighting, friend, for you are teaching us all how to do so! Praying today you get some relief and some sleep. {{Hugs}}

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    1. Joanne, I'll keep going. Thnak you so much for your love and prayers.

      I am honoured to call you friend.

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  7. Continuing to pray for you brother as you fight the good fight. Couldn't help but recall the president's speech in Independence Day.
    We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!.
    And when the time comes you will not vanish but can go shouting triumphantly into the arms of Jesus.

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    1. Duane, that speech has always been a lodestone for me,, in my past martial lie, but especially now.

      Thank you, bro'.

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  8. Fight, Andrew, fight! The love and passion you have for your wife and life is inspiring. Don't give up until you hear that gentle whisper from God.

    Amie, FMF #13

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    1. Amie, I won't give up.

      You are part of the reason, now; your writings focus what to me has been inchoate. You have given me clarity in your disciplined faith, and I am grateful beyond words.

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  9. Praying for you as you walk this difficult journey.

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  10. not giving up, it's part of the human condition. keep staying human! :)

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    1. Annette, that' an excellent point, that keeping on is part of being human!

      Thank you for this.

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  11. Hi Andrew, Greetings once again. Pretty dire for you. I'll be a little chatty. Today I strung lights on the Christmas tree. Enjoyed it. My oldest son cut the tree in the woods and brought it to me. Much better than my little artificial tree that's packed away. I don't go to much fuss for Christmas, but I do like the joy of it. Spent some time with my daughter and her kitty in the afternoon. That was a nice change of pace. That's terrible about the blood and pain. But you already know that. Just commiserating from afar. I sure wish it could get better for you. I praise God anyway. I read a book by Merlin Caruthers. He said to praise in everything. I've been trying in out, to give praise even in the bad. It's weird, but it is making a positive difference. He says it releases God to work in the situation. That seems counter intuitive, but there are lots of verses about giving praise. I guess there are some things we do in the Spirit because they aren't possible to do in the flesh. May there be some relief for you. God bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you.

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    1. My dear Norma, thank you so much for inviting me in, through your words, to share a bit of your Advent season!

      I think Caruthers is right, tht praising God in 'the bad' releases Him to work...invites His participation, makes Him welcome. Does that make sense?

      On the one hand, things are indeed dire...and the last night was an experience of pain and chills I would prefer not to repeat...but I'm happier than I have ever been before. There seems a light of purpose around even the smallest tasks, that however humble, they come from God...guess I'll have to throw another 'does that make sense?' in here!

      Thank you so much for your being here, your continued support, love, and prayers. This means the world to me.

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  12. Your faith and strength are moving. I loved this line from your poem: but I’ll only be dead if I die. Beautiful. Praying for you.

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    1. Ashley, thank you so much for stopping by..I'm grateful for your kind words. your presence, and most of all, your prayers.

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  13. Your perseverance in all of this is amazing and inspiring! Praying for you.

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    1. Lesley, thank you so much for your kind words, and most especially for your prayers.

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  14. The words may sound dark at first glance but, when fully absorbed, your words are actually encouraging (emphasis on COURAGE). I hope you are encouraged by sharing them. Take care.

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    1. Suzette, thank you so much...and yes, I am encouraged by sharing these words. They do mean a lot to me.

      I'm so grateful you're here!

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  15. Hey Andrew - thanks for the comment on my site - the poem about friendships. Your always presence and openness are a great blessing to so many. I pray Abba will graciously and powerfully come and strengthen and abide with you. I am reminded of my recent reading about Jacob and the ladder he saw from heaven. Genesis 28, and in verse 15 God says "I will not forsake you until I have done what I have spoken about you." I sensed to tell you this - you will know the meaning. Blessings in abundance, Aliyah

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  16. Andrew, present is my word for the year. And yes, you have definitely been present this year . . . even as things have deteriorated. Thank you for your beautiful words and determination to live life well. God knows the when's and how's of your final breath here that will lead to your first breath of eternal air. I'm continuing to pray for you and Barb, my friend.

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  17. Yes, you are a fighter. And no need for you to figure out when God will take you to His home. You're living your life well right now, influencing others, caring for your wife and 4 footed friends.

    One day at a time. May He give you every ounce of strength you need.

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