Almst all of us, I think, want to leave some record of our passage through this world.
Gutzon Borglum left the marvel that is Mt. Rushmore.
Gustave Eiffel left the tower in Paris that bears his name.
Claude Monet left a legacy of visual beauty, and Sir Edward Elgar left us with musical grandeur that has never been surpassed.
But I'm not Borglum or Eiffel or Monet or Elgar.
Pancreatic cancer has taken those possibilities. (OK, maybe a lack of talent too, yeah?)
The only thing I can now leave are my words, animated and informed by love.
Love for my wife, who has done her best to encourage those things that I could still do, who has stayed awake with me at night when I was screaming in pain, and who has taken up the burdens I can no longer bear.
Love for my dogs, who don't care that I can't run and play with them, who are content to lie at my feet when all I can do is watch a DVD. (They love the Thor movies.)
Love for my life, in which I can still contemplate the majesty of a starry sky, and still take delight in seeing a single desert flower in bloom.
Love for God, whose Grace is extended in helping me find joy in each moment, and hope for a future that I may never see...and He's telling me that the work I do towards that chimerical tomorrow is not wasted.
I just have to count on Him.
It's these loves that I channel into my words, to bear witness to the value of each moment, each opportunity to be a channel of His Grace.
Dying is the open door to life, and I'm privileged to be living it.
Out of curiosity, I recently looked at my blog stats, and found that I have a little bit more than 247,000 total hits.
That's almost a quarter of a million chances to speak faith, and hope, and most important of all, love.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
1 Corinthians 13: 1-3 (NIV)
Music from Sean Rowe, with To Leave Something Behind. It was used in The Accountant, a marvelous film to whose main character Barb says I bear more than a passing resemblance.
Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.
I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
(((((Andrew)))))
ReplyDelete(((((Barbara)))))
Gentle hugs from Annie
((((((((((Annie!))))))))))
DeleteHugs back, from both of us.
nice to see you andrew. sad that you are still feeling so awful and in the waiting room:( i'm sure you aren't rushing anywhere these days.
DeleteBecause you covered every thought and emotion in your post, there's nothing I can say that would mean any more than your words. This brought me to tears... because I feel that love for God, and from God.
ReplyDeleteIf we do not have love... we are nothing. God is love.
Amen, Andrew, amen! \o/
Diana, your very presence here, and your gracious words, mean the world to us!
DeleteWe are so blessed in knowing you and Jerry.
Andrew, you love well. As you've grown into the character you have today, you have taught me so much. Grappling with the realities of God. Hope. Love. You have navigated all of these aspects of living with such grace and authenticity.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. And yes, without love, we are nothing. May the thing people remember us for most be the way we loved. I'm praying for you and Barb, my friend.
jeanne, you do me such great honour...thank you!
DeleteAnd we truly appreciate your prayers.
Oh...those chances to speak out truth to people eh? It's a goodly thing that. :)
ReplyDeleteAnnette, it sure is!
DeleteBeautiful.
ReplyDeleteBetsy, thank you so much...for being here.
Delete"Dying is the open door to life, and I'm privileged to be living it." What was it Paul said, "To live is Christ but to die is gain"? We surely have it all backwards on this terra firma but your words remind us of the brevity of our lives, how to make the most of the time we have, how to love so well on those around us and how to encourage those who need it the most. Praying today you will be blessed as much as you bless others. ♥
ReplyDeleteNannette, I did have it backwards for so long, but if cancer's the cost for learning Truth, it's been worth paying.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers; I am truly blessed.
Now THIS was a phenomenal post. A legacy post. xo
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you so much! XO back from all of us.
Delete" Dying is the open door to life, and I'm privileged to be living it." Andrew, your words stopped me. They epitomize the reason we cannot rush through life; we would miss this revelation. I'm privileged to read your words, to "hear" your heartbeat as you make your way to eternity. I'm privileged to pray for you as you walk the path, ushering you straight to the gates of heaven. Thank you for sharing so honestly with your readers - with me. Your words matter greatly. Your life matters greatly. I, for one, am very glad you are here!
ReplyDeleteSusan, i can only say, thank you with all my heart, for these gracious and uplifting words.
DeleteAndrew, such a beautiful post. Friend, you are showing us all how to live and love well. You are blessing lives in ways you know not. Praying for you and Barb each day!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Joanne...this means the world to me, and your prayers are treasured.
DeleteAndrew, your best post ever! I wept as I remember the special, priceless last days I shared with my first husband before he moved to Heaven. Your efforts to articulate the words so beautifully are making a difference. There is a distillation of what's really important at this stage -- and we will all face it (unless Jesus comes before then...). Thank you for sharing your heart and give Barb a HUGE hug! You two are amazing!!!!
ReplyDeleteKaren, the hug for Barbara is delivered. I so appreciate your words here; I'm so glad they held meaning and memory for you.
DeleteLove... a language you speak so well. ... But I would also say the language of life is one you are also so fluent in. You have taught us to live, Andrew. I am taking so many of your lessons (especially the "three foot world" ) and using them everday. Thank you, once again. It has been a sweet privilege to get to know you through your words.
ReplyDeleteJane, I am just so honoured that you've found value in my words. I'm so darned glad I can be of help!
DeleteI saw the comment you left on an earlier post, about wanting to find a copy of 'Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart"; I may have a copy here (somewhere!). I'll look for it and let you know.
Oh my gosh! that would be amazing (hard copy books are the BEST!)... but no worries (the the LAST thing you should be "worried" about, because even if not, I will be finding a kindle to get it into my hands and heart. )
DeleteJane, I found a copy! The very last...and it's yours. Best thing is if you would friend me on Facebook (as Andrew Budek, for some reason FB didn't like a hyphenated last name) and then send a PM, and we'll get it to you.
DeleteThat verse from Corinthians is one of my favorites. Thankful for the talents you so generously share with us!
ReplyDeleteAnnie, I'm so glad we share a love for that verse...and I'm so gla you're here!
DeleteOh Andrew what precious words of truth. Yes love is all we really leave. People will remember love. It has a lasting fragrance. Even the hardest form of love will be remembered. All of the hard sayings, the discipline, the things we think are not fair, we know that the love of God is the one factor that gets us through this life. May that be my legacy to others, love, cause I have no talent or money either. Prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteMary, I love how you put it, that love has a lasting fragrance!
DeleteI've found that the further down the road I go, the less I am inclined to think o things as 'not fair'; they simply 'are', and it's up to me to accept God's help to transcen the pain.
Thank you so much for the prayers!
Love is the best legacy! I'm always grateful for your challenging and inspiring words and insights.
ReplyDeleteLesley, thank you...and we're so grateful for your being here.
DeleteAndrew, you remind me again that what I do matters less than the love I show in doing it. That's an important reminder for a tired mom like me.
ReplyDeleteBethany, I'm so glad you found something of value here. We're praying for you.
DeleteYou, your friend, are such a gift filled with such wisdom and courage. You are leaving a legacy. Praying continually.
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you for these kind and loving words, and especially for your prayers.
DeleteSending love and prayers.
ReplyDeletePaula, thank you so much...love back, from both of us.
DeletePraying for you both! I'm always so honored to read your words that reveal your heart!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Karrilee!
DeleteAnd we are honoured by your prayers.
"Love for God, whose Grace is extended in helping me find joy in each moment, and hope for a future that I may never see...and He's telling me that the work I do towards that chimerical tomorrow is not wasted."
ReplyDeleteOh the humility and transparency that points it all back to God. This is the fruit of your years of trial, Andrew. Gone is all the selfish bravado, kick-ass (pardon the phrase) macho tough-guy facade, and now, here, this is the leadership that God intended for us to have when we are truly following Christ.
That it is for His glory we exist, and we are mere reflectors of His glorious light.
Bravo, dear friend! I am so honored to be a part of your online family. May each day bring your soul a greater joy than the day before, knowing you are STILL reaching people for His kingdom, though we thought you were gone-for over two years ago!
love,
Tammy
(#5 and still alive)
Tammy, I am so glad to see you here! And I so appreciate this lovely comment, these grace-filled words.
DeleteI am still the kick-ass hardass of old, but it's for purpose, and not ego. Every day is a challenge, and I have to accept the pain to help Barbara, and take care of the dogs. But in that acceptance is surrender, and a lean into God's arms to put me back on my feet again.
And the picture of your family that you sent us, it's prominently displayed; you guys watch over me in my fitful sleep, and in my pain-transcendent days.
Beautiful words. And yes, how blessed to be able to share our hearts and His love with so many... Continue reaching souls 4 Him!
ReplyDeleteDel, thank you, from the bottom of my heart; I will say that your writing informs my soul, and my determination to spread the love.
DeleteFor Him.
Andrew. I have no words. So thankful for love. You have blessed us.
ReplyDeleteAnd Carol, you presence here is a blessing for us.
Delete247,000 total hits.
ReplyDeleteTalk about legacy, impact, relationship, Andrew ...
Linda, the numbers shocked me. I'm just so blessed to be able to do this.
DeleteIf I could go back to what I wa, in health, I'd turn it down. The pain has been worth this mission, this ministry.
Those quarter of million hits are certainly part of your legacy! What a wonderful opportunity to touch, and impact, so many!
ReplyDeleteJennifer, I was really surprised, and humbled, by the numbers. It's sure an incentive to keep going for as long as I can.
DeleteYou are such an encouragement to so many Andrew. Your words will live on to continue your legacy of encouragement. I'm in the #54 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteBarbie, thank you for this. It's been worth it; I would not change a thing.
DeleteWell, I COULD look more like Brad Pitt! God, you listening, there?
A kind, fun, godly man is better than Brad any day. ����
Delete:)
DeleteEmily, thank you so much! :)
DeleteI actually look more like Jackie Chan...
You have faithfully crafted a legacy here, Andrew, that will live long after you're gone. I know that it has helped countless couples and family members who are in this same kind of situation. Some may not even be in a terminal situation, but your words to the caretakers out there are golden and so very helpful for navigating these challenging situations. I continue to lift you up, my friend! I hope you and Barbara get a chance to watch another Thor movie together on this Labor (Cease from labor) Day!
ReplyDeleteBeth, your words lift my spirits more than I can say...and this, on a very dark day, is so appreciated!
DeleteLabour Day was a bit of a trial, but we have Thor waiting in the wings to rescue the weekend!
Beautifully spoken. Your faith is an encouragement. Thank you for sharing your heart. Visiting from FMF
ReplyDeleteThank you or this, Robin, and especially for being here. You're appreciated!
DeleteAndrew, I left this lengthy comment in reply to yours over at Being Woven, but decided to come here and deliver it in person!
ReplyDelete---
I am so sorry that you have cancers. My husband had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma also. My Daddy died from Pancreatic back in 1960 when the only thing they could do was Cobalt. My husband chose hospice and no treatments due to his many other conditions that made him immune deficient and weak. He had terrible spinal stenosis. He was ready to meet the Lord and hospice kept him quite pain-free yet very coherent. Kenneth really did not want to leave me, but he had choices to make. I completely agreed with his decision for he was so underweight and weakened that he would not have done well taking the chemo. The doctors in Houston gave him a week to 10 days. God blessed us with 5 months and they were sweet and such a gift. He gained a bit of strength after a couple of weeks at home so we were able to take care of some business around the house, and more than that, we had time to talk of the important things-our love for one another, the road I was facing alone, our spiritual health, and the 25 years of marriage we shared. So much, Andrew. I pray you have hospice. They are wonderful for end of life. I am so grateful that you are my brother in Christ. We will meet in heaven, I do believe…one day. I, too, am ready to leave this world but my time is not yet. May your poems, your words continue to resonate in people’s hearts, minds and souls, Andrew.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Linda, thank you so much for sharing this...I'm overwhelmed at the grace, the courage and love it took to write your story.
DeleteI wish there were hospice here, or some kind of care...but we've fallen through the cracks in the system. There's no insurance. There is nothing but the will to go on. And that really sucks, sometimes.
I was once a mercenary, and there is only that deep-base hardness to carry me through a life that has become so hard. But I know pain; I've been shot and stabbed and burned and blown up, and these fell knowings help me rise each morning, and face the (literally) bloody day.
I have not been a good man, but I have found Christ, and in Him lie literally every hope and dream and prayer.
He'll come through, and yes, we'll meet on the other side, where shadows never fall.
Andrew, you have Christ and He is all we need whether at the end of life or in the midst of it all. He holds you near and loves you because you are created in His image. It no longer matters what we did in our past for He forgives and we ask for that from Him when we come to Him. He truly is your hope, your anchor, your all. May God gently caress you in these days, and love you Home. Caring through Christ, ~ linda
DeleteLinda, yes...than you so much for this. Truly, He is all, and our safe harbour.
Delete