Your Dying Spouse 330 - This Is How You Do It {FMF}

Maybe the title should be "this is how I do it"; I've had a lot of people say that they don't understand how I can keep functioning effectively with increasing levels of pain and debility (as in, fatigue and incontinence), and even more...how I can maintain a positive attitude.

So I'll let you in on some of the secrets. And you can take advantage of this SPECIAL OFFER to buy the DVD for just...

Oh, shut up, salesman-me. There's no DVD.

But there are some books...

Oh, shut up!

Will the salesman stay quiet?..let's hope so. I do have a roll of duct tape handy.

And, oh yes, this is written for Five Minute Friday, over the span of a few days (which included being bitten by a brown recluse), so please excuse the somewhat choppy tone...and I will work in the keyword if I can, when it's announced. (The word's BLESSING. It's there.)

Where were we? Oh, yes. the secrets to dealing effectively with a hopeless situation:

• Embrace the horror...that's a cool line from the 1998 Bruce Willis movie Armageddon, and I couldn't resist. But seriously, not saying cancer is not going to make it go away. Ascribing a new symptom that falls within your diagnosis to something more benign (like allergies) is not going to halt the progress of the disease. You'll have to face it some time; do it now and have some energy saved for fighting back.
• Get comfortable with discomfort. Ever wonder how seals learn to balance a beach ball on their nose...uh, wait, wrong analogy. Ever wonder how NAVY SEALS can do cool ninja stuff under the worst conditions? It's simple; their training is done on a schedule, and not according to the weather or making allowance for injuries. If the job has to be done, it gets done, no excuses. They have to get comfortable with extreme discomfort. Same thing here. I don't seek to make myself 'comfortable' beyond certain limits, because it degrades the edge I need. For example, I very rarely use a chair, and sit instead on the floor...and I sleep on an ottoman whose cushion is perished, so it'a like sleeping on a pallet that's missing a few boards. Accepting chosen discomfort without complaint makes it easier to face the pain of the illness that happened to me.
• No whining...OK, limited whining. I do allow myself to say, "This hurts!" or "This is scary!" It does hurt and it is scary, but what's saying it going to do for me? Nothing. Some doctor once said "you are what you eat" (having eaten bugs and snakes and worse, I don't like that). I have a better one...you are what you say. Whine, and you can be a victim. Any takers? Didn't think so.
• No downbeat media, so cancel that Ingmar Bergman film fest you've been planning for the next three-day weekend. Roll with Adam Sandler instead. May I recommend Anger Management?
• Perspective pays off. Sure, I'm dying, and it's going to get nasty...it's starting to get even nastier than I ever thought it would. But hey...I have a dry place to sleep, adequate food, entertainment, work that gives me purpose (this blog), and most of all the love of my wife, my dogs, and all of you out there in Internet-land. And no one is trying to kill me; no one is taking pleasure in my pain. There are a whole lot of people in the world who can't say any of that. How can I be so gauche as to complain about my lot?
• Push past physical limits. If pain demands that you walk a mile with him, go for two...seriously, do more than you have to, so that you know that tomorrow you'll have the confidence to achieve the 'minimum'.
• Set short-term goals; don't look at the Big Picture. Today my goals were feeding the dogs without collapsing, and then taking a rest whilst trying not to pass out while smoking a cigar. If I can do any writing the first goal will be to bring up Word, and type a paragraph. If I can do more, fine. But if I only do the paragraph, I have achieved my goal.
• Plan for the future; having a personal stake in tomorrow, something you really want to accomplish, that gives you the hook that can pull you through a deadly today. Make the future your magnet, and let it draw you through today's Slough Of Despond (with a nod to John Bunyan, there).
• Did you catch the words 'hopeless situation' above? Well, you've got to have hope. Not the "my healing miracle is just around the corner because I discovered the secret code to effective prayer!" kind, but the hope that's rooted in the conviction that all of what is happening can be turned to a better and higher purpose. You don't, like Job, 'get double for your trouble';  you get the opportunity to witness God's presence in your life, and the fact that if you trust Him to get you through each day, He will.
• Count your blessings. You have more of them that you ever thought possible.

See how simple it is? There's no 'secret sauce'; I'm no braver than you are, and my faith is probably more fragmented than yours.

If I can get through this with head high and self-respect intact, anyone can.

The musical theme today is the very first music video ever aired on MTV...The Buggles' Video Killed The Radio Star. Enjoy some New Wave without shame!

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 329 - YGBSM

After The Weekend From Hell, part passed in pain-induced shock and thus unremembered by me (but engraved on Barbara's soul), the fun continued.

I was bitten by a brown recluse, one of the more venomous spiders in the US.

The bite is halfway up the thight, and the leg's swollen and nasty, with involvement into the lyph nodes in the groin. It hurts, and amputation would seem really cool right now.

And...there's the abscessed tooth.

Hence the title..after the extraordinarily rough weekend...this too, God?

Ya gotta be s****n' me! YGBSM.

But no, He's not. This is simply what happens when you live in a fallen world.

You get sick, you get bitten by spider, accidents happen.

If God shielded you from it, as a reward for being a good Christian, He'd be undermining His own purpose.

And His purpose is to let each one of us choose to become citizens of Heaven.

We have to choose Him. That wasn't His original intention, but we've inherited Adam's 'curse'; we've inherited the rejection of Grace.

And we can't earn it back.

We can only live the lives we have, with all the horrible things that may happen, and live in faith, and hope, and in the love that affirms that we are, in spite of it all, Loved.

We can accept that love through our adversity, as a help and a guide, or we can choose to distort that love through the lens of entitlement and our idea of 'justice', and throw it back in God's face.

I don't deserve this! It's not fair.

No, we don't deserve the trials of this life.

We deerve far worse. Eternal damnation, in fact.

The thing that saves us, the only thing, is the miracle we inherited, along with the curse of Adam.

Someone already served our sentence.

And we're free to go.

The musical theme is, perhaps appropriately, Pat Benatar's We Belong.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 328 - Ready To Die?

Nope. Not ready to die.

Wasn't even ready yesterday.

(Say those two sentences with an outrageous Aussie accent, and you'll have tapped my attempt at humour for the die. Uh, day,)

This has been the Weekend From Hell. More pain, more just plain discomfort than I can recall. And I can't recall the worst moment, but Barbara said they involved screaming for morphine.

Yes, it does sometimes feel like a good thing, to let go and wake up in another place, time to challenge Jesus to that arm-wrestling contest I've been training for.

If Jesus had a tattoo on one of his biceps, would it read, Born To Save?

Sorry. I'm a little loopy and I digress.

Yes, it would be nice, but I'm not about to let go, because I'm still curious about what tomorrow will bring, here.

Not so much for me...it's going to hurt more, and I'll be able to do less. Still some movies I'd like to see, some books to read, but that's not the real reason.

I want to see my friends' stories through to victory. Some of you who are reading this are writers, and you're looking for an agent, or you have a book on submission, or you're working on your next contracted title.

I want to be here to see the success.

I'm here, and intend to stay, because I want to cheer you on.

Musical theme is from Steve Winwood...

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 327:- What's Heaven Like? {FMF}

What's Heaven going to be like?

This is on my mind from time to time, as things are going downhill for me, and it my not be long until I find out.

(This is being written ahead of time for Five Minute Friday. If I can include the keyword, I will.)

(The word is STEADY. It's in there.)

There are tantalizing descriptions in the Bible; streets of gold, walls with gemstone foundations, choirs and music...

Which reminds me of a story I heard, about a man who died and went to Heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked for directions to the nearest bar.

"Sorry," said Pete. "Don't have those here."

"Well, OK," said the man. "How about a pool hall?"

"None of those either."

The man was getting exasperated, and asked "Well, what DO people dp here?"

"Well," said St. Peter, "the morning is for worship...in the afternoon there's Bible Study, and praise choir in the evening."

The man said, "You've got to be kidding...this is NOT what I expected Heaven to be!"

St. Peter put his hand on the man's shoulder. "Son, for everyone else, this is Heaven. For YOU...you're in hell."

But I digress.

My thought is that the Biblical descriptions are meant to convey something utterly indescribable to an audience that needs a description.

Kind of like atomic physics...we think of the things that make up atoms...protons, neutrons, and electrons...as being little solid balls whirling madly around each other. But they're not...atoms are made of things that can be broken down still further, and the floor you're standing on, which you think of as solid, is really made up of energy binding itself into a coherent shape. A typical atom is 99.999999999999% empty space. What you call a solid is really an energy field. Like in Star Trek. Feel an unsteadiness in your footing, suddenly? Does it help to know that you are effectively a force field, too? Engineered by God, not Starfleet.)

And that, I think is a good way to look at Heaven...something that is so far beyond our experience that we can't really grasp its reality.

But that's all physical. I think that the essence of Heaven can be found right here, and it's something we can understand now:

By the way, I was recently honoured by an invitation to write a guest post for Bronwyn Lea's blog...I'd be thrilled if you took a look by clicking here.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 326 - It's Not About Courage

You can deal 'bravely' with terminal illness, up to a point.

But you reach that watershed where the thing you want most of all is for everything to stop. The pain, the incontinence, the weakness, the fatigue.

The dread.

No one is brave at three o'clock in the morning, when the pain makes dawn seem a million miles away and your body's weakness makes the bathroom...which you desperately need...seem not much closer.

There is no room for posturing or attitude, no room for the moto posters...NO FEAR!...which are balled up and set alight in the burn pit.

There's only room for the most basic kind of faith.

"Father, into Your Hands I commend My Spirit."

Sorry for the short post. Things are just not going well.

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please drop by for some terrific marriage resources.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 325 - Don't Look Back

This is going to be another short one. I'm sorry. Days are getting quite a bit worse.

Today (June 18) I watched the final round of the US Open golf tournament; decades ago I was an avid golfer.

Watching the thing seemed like a good idea att the time, but it did me some damage.

Way back when, my life was not at all pleasant, but what kept me going was the hope for a better future. There were possibilities, and the road ahead, though dark, was still wide.

Not so now. The future from here looks like today, only it' going to hurt worse, and the energy to develop new ideas, or revitalize old plans still isn't there.

In other words, looking back into my past dimmed my present, and it's going to take some time to recover the equilibrium.

So this is advice to caregivers and patients...don't look back.

It may seem like a strol down memory lane will bring remembered happiness...it will, but it can come at a terrible cost to now.

When there's no tomorrow, there's no yesterday.

There's only now.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 324 - The Gates Of Mordor {FMF}

Yes, I'll admit it. I watch This Is Us.

Probably be drummed out of the League Of Hard Men for that.

(And this is my post for Five Minute Friday, written ahead. If I am able I will try to work in the keyword.)

(It's WORTH. And it's in there.)

My first thought on seeing bits of some of the initial episodes (Barb watched from the beginning) was..."OK, 'this is us', and so what? Why do I care if this is you or not?"

It seemed at first glance like waterboarding. A drip, drip, drip of drippy crises in the lives of a bunch of thirtysomething drips.

But I realized after awhile that I was starting to care about these fictional people; why?

The answer is that it's instructive even this late in the day to see art reflecting a life I never knew. I missed the family ties and the personal drama and the wavering but still treasured friendships.

The crises are perhaps forced, but they speak to relationships that are real. (Yes, Barbara did have to do some coaching, and she patiently explained a lot to me.)

Standing before the Gates of Mordor, it's kind of good to take a long last look back. I'm going where monsters gather for the next stage of my fight, and I won't be coming back, barring a miracle.

So it's good to carry a picture of normalcy (TV-land normalcy, to be sure) into the fight, even if it wasn't me.

I live in a world of black and white, life and death, pain and more pain. It narrows the focus, and makes one rather a bore...sometimes, even to oneself.

Black is becoming blacker, and the white of God's presence in my fight is becoming incandescent.

My life has been good preparation. Happiness for me has been largely rooted in being alive to greet the dawn. Everything else was a bonus.

So it wasn't a hard change, to be terminally ill. Death wasn't an unfamiliar face.

But I like the fact that people can be concerned with smaller things. I like looking through a window into a more nuanced and graceful life, a life of colours both pastel and vibrant.

Those gates will soon close behind me, and I won't be able to look back into a land of life and warm spring sunshine.

But I will remember, and the monsters will wonder, as I turn to face them, why I am smiling.

It'll be worth it just to see their faces ere they face my blade in this last of battles.

But I still do have some questions about This Is Us.

• None of the characters seem to carry guns; why is that?
• None of them seems to go to church either.
• Where are the dogs? (Though the dying dude does have a cat.)
• And why don't any of them drive muscle cars? Not the modern faux-cool junk...why doesn't anyone have a '64 GTO?

I asked Barbara this. After putting her head in her hands and moaning softly (I didn't realize she had a headache) she said, "Perhaps that is why they are so troubled."

Yep...get an Uzi and go to church. Have a houseful of Pit Bulls, and drive a Goat. No worries then mate, you'll be right!

Oh, dear, Barbara's face just turned a very unusual colour.

Clearly, the only musical accompaniment can come from Middle Earth...

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 323 - Handholding

This is going to be another short one. Things are a bit dreadful. (And if you've left a comment on an earlier post to which I haven't yet responded, I ask your patience.)

If you're a caregiver, there is one thing you can do that may be more important than anything else.

Hold the hand of your terminally ill husband or wife.

Hugs may be too painful now, but a gentle touch to the hand is almost never a problem...and it's both welcome, and needed.

Dying is terribly isolating, terribly lonely. The world goes on, and the patient is leaving it. Slowly. The connexions to the wider world are torn away one by one.

Leaving the workforce.

Having to quit driving.

Having to quit going out, because it's just too painful and tiring.

Friends stop coming by, because they don't know what to say.

Conversation becomes hard, because it hurts to talk, and it's too tiring to think.

Pretty soon all that's left is sitting with the pain nd the heartache.

And, dear caregiver, that is where you come in. Take the hand that is empty, and just sit at the foot of that cross.

Touch is the final, and most important communication.

There can only be one musical theme today...

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please visit for some great marriage resources!