Thursday, April 27, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 303 - Give Me, Lord, What Remains {FMF}

Five Minute Friday again, and again I will try to work the keyword into a pre-written essay.

(The word's MORE, and I got it in.)

Things are really going downhill, and it's easy to get discouraged. Pain has changed in character, and there are new and dire symptoms. It's all I can do to sit up in the evening, and when I lie down it's hard to breathe.

I've had a very sore throat for a couple of weeks, and it's getting hard to swallow. I could run a trach tube on you, but I can't do one on myself. (And there's still no insurance, nor cash for treatment. Too bad.)

At the end of the day, about all I can do is lie in a foetal position and cry. I'm not asking for sympathy, but I suppose it says something that I can admit it's come to this.

Today was worse than yesterday; and tomorrow will be harder than today.

I'd like to think that God will provide a nick-of-time rescue, but I fear that is the feel-good preachers talking. After all, His own Son was left to die on the Cross.

So it seems that the gift God has made for me lies in the fire, and I have to embrace the flames to lay hands on the gift. Going down in a blaze of glory, if you will. (Click the link for the Bon Jovi song.)

There will come an end to these writings. I can see it, but I'll keep going until I can't do it no more, no more.

I guess the best thing I can do is to offer up the pain and everything else. Offer it up in the hope that if I bear it, it's not happening to someone else.

That would make it all worthwhile, to be the shield. Bring it, God. I'll take the worst, so someone, somewhere, can have it better. I'm cool with that. There are worse ways to die.

But I'm not the first to think this. Here is a prayer that was found among the effects of Andre Zirnheld, who was killed in North Africa in 1942:

I'm asking You God, to give me what You have left.
Give me those things which others never ask of You.
I don't ask You for rest, or tranquility.
Not that of the spirit, the body, or the mind.
I don't ask You for wealth, or success, or even health.
All those things are asked of You so much Lord,
that you can't have any left to give.
Give me instead Lord what You have left.
Give me what others don't want.
I want uncertainty and doubt.
I want torment and battle.
And I ask that You give them to me now and forever Lord,
so I can be sure to always have them,
because I won't always have the strength to ask again.
But give me also the courage, the energy,
and the spirit to face them.
I ask You these things Lord,
because I can't ask them of myself.


Amen.

I will follow Christ, and I will die to protect you, in any way I can.

Lord, let me die as the shield of another, in battle or (sure looks like this now) in illness.

And then raise me up, put a weapon in my hand, and send me back into the fight.



BRING IT.

I can take a bit more.

Musical accompaniment is Mansions of the Lord, courtesy the West Point Glee Club.



A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.


I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.



Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.












48 comments:

  1. Andrew this post reminded me of this song from the City of Gold album. It's been over 15 years since it came out, but it's an anthem of sorts.

    https://youtu.be/9iyMjeVoP8s

    Cheers to the fight still left! A glowing ember still takes down a forest and you have words of life yet to speak. Take that, enemy!

    Pow! Bam! Kachow!
    Andrew, the unsung Marvel hero. :)
    Live and breathe and we rejoice at another post!
    Love,
    Tammy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tammy,please pardon my late reply. Rough days. And thank you for the link! Going there now.

      I sure FEEL like I've gone a few rounds with the Hulk (and actually, on one of those online "Which superhero are you? tests...I did draw the Green Guy!)

      Love back from all of us.

      Delete
  2. Andrew, thank you. Your writing is life-giving. And the words of Andre Zimheld . . . those are courageous words to write and pray. It will be interesting to see if God shows you how He used you as a shield for others. Somehow, I suspect the words He's given you for your blogposts have been a shield against discouragement and despair. Though you may (or may not) raise another weapon this side of heaven, your weapon in heaven will be prayer. As you pray for those of us here, you'll pray for us and God will move mightily. You'll have power you never imagined, I'm thinking. :)

    Thank you for the sacrifice of your words offered here. Thank you for pointing me (and all your readers) to the Hope-Giver, even in the midst of your horrible pain.

    I continue to pray for you, friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeanne, thank you so much for this (and please pardon my tardy reply). I'm so glad you found meaning for your heart in Zirnheld's prayer.

      I sure hope these words...and they may be drawing to a close, though I hope not...have found use as something of a shield. It's the best legacy I could leave.

      Thank you so much for the prayers!

      Delete
  3. "Bring It." Andrew, your approach to life inspires me. I'm sorry for what you endure. There are never right words to approach suffering. I won't pretend to know which ones I can use. I want you to know you are prayed over, loved on, and cheered on from afar, friend. Keep busting out those words. Visiting you (on time) from #fmfparty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carolina, thank you so much...I do feel loved, and I do feel the strength of the prayers lifting me up.

      And really, I'm OK...God and me, we're making a purpose from this thing. Yes, the pain is awful, and it's dark and scary most days, but as long as it;s for a cause...even one whose dimensions you don't see but know are there...it's all OK.

      Delete
  4. You are a true soldier. Thank you for your heartfelt words. You help us understand the cross and soldiers more. Jenn, on the FMF block this week

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jenn, please accept my apologies for this late reply, and my heartfelt thanks for your comment. I am so honoured by your words.

      Delete
  5. I'm not even sure I can bear this post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Susan, I do understand...I look at things sometimes, as if from a remove, and wonder how I can bear it.

      But then I think, would I rather it were someone else? I couldn't live with that.

      Thanks so much, my friend, and please pardon the late reply.

      Delete
  6. Andrew, I'm always humbled and inspired by your words and by your courage. I just hate that you're going through such pain but thank you for sharing your heart and pointing us to Jesus in the midst of it. Continuing to pray for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lesley, thank you so much for these gracious words. I truly appreciate them, and I am honoured.

      Thanks so very much for the prayers, and please accept my apology for a tardy reply.

      Delete
  7. Andrew, thank you for sharing so honestly even though it's tough to read. Sorry to hear that you're feeling worse. And that prayer...bold and inspiring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Katha, thank you for these lovely, kind words and thoughts...and for being here. And please pardon my late reply.

      Delete
  8. Praying for you, Andrew, that God will continue to strengthen and lift you up! Thank you for your inspiring words!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rachel, thank you so much for the prayers, they are both needed these days...and very, very much appreciated.

      Delete
  9. I am thankful for your honest transparency with us even if it makes me want to cry. But I won't cry...not yet. It looks more and more like your "nick of time rescue" is destined to be Glory! And then your suffering will be over. The crown awaits!

    All I seem to be able to pray for you these days is Lord have mercy...but I know the Spirit groans to the Father the words I can't seem to find and I know the Heavenly Father knows my heart for you and Barb and knows what you need.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Christy, I'm afraid you're right, that the rescue will indeed by Glory. But if that's what is meant to be, I'm cool with it. Into His Hands I commend my spirit, I guess, right?

      We truly appreciate the prayers. Mercy is here,my friend, in the blessings that surround me, among the greatest of which is your friendship and loving support.

      Delete
  10. What a humble and courageous prayer (poem) you quoted there. I admire your humility and courage as well ... and your humour even through a time of suffering. I will pray for "SAMOA" strength for you today, whether that be strength to fight or to let go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeannie, SAMOA strength would be cool...and, this afternoon I really needed SAMOA breath to my lungs as well! The thought did raise a smile in the midst of rather a bad passage of time.

      Thank you so much for the prayers. They are truly appreciated.

      Delete
  11. You're fighting the good fight. Of course I won't stop praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jan, thank you so much. The prayers are really, really appreciated...and really, really needed. Bad stuff gettin' worse...which could be the title for a country song.

      Thanks so much for being here.

      Delete
  12. This is hard...I'm with Susan Shipe; I don't think I can bear this post either. There have been so many I've missed reading; and so many that have brought me hope and joy and love and inspiration and...you have persevered through so much! Praying you do have MORE; time with our Lord...but before that, time with your loved ones!

    Hugs and Prayers...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Barbara, thank you for this...and believe me, I will persevere, and keep persevering for as long as I can.

      The love and hope that's come back to me is what's kept me going.

      Hugs and prayers appreciated, and returned with love.

      Delete
  13. Your awareness is such a reminder to live our moments with eyes open. Thank you for continuing to give us wisdom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for this, Annie, truly.

      Delete
  14. Oh friend. God sees those tears. I read a story recently where a friend was sitting with another friend. The one friend was crying, the other friend took a tear and placed it on her own cheek. So beautiful! Picture me placing one of your tears on my cheek so we can feel the tears together. I'm in the 50 spot this week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tara, that is such a lovely story! Thank you so much for sharing it here, and yes, I do picture, with more gratitude than you imagine, your placing one of my tears on your cheek.

      Your friendship is such a blessing.

      Delete
  15. I'm inspired by your honesty and humility, and sorry for your pain and suffering. Words feel so inadequate, but words are all we have. I was especially moved by the notion of the shield, your suffering keeps it from another. What an awesome way to view your current struggles. I will be lifting you up in prayer, as you continue to fight the good fight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Joyce, thank you so much for this gracious and affirming comment...I am truly grateful for the honour your words do me.

      And I so appreciate the prayers...and I do need them.

      Delete
  16. Andrew inspiring blog. Bring it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Andrew, I am praying for you. Keep fighting!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy, I intend to stay in the game...and I truly appreciate (and really need) the prayers.

      Delete
  18. Replies
    1. Rachel, thank you so much. Tennyson said that prayer binds the whole world 'round God's feet with golden chains...and some of those golden chains tying me to Him would sure be welcome!

      So grateful that you're here, and you are in my prayers.

      Delete
  19. You and St. Julian of Norwich understand the greater suffering. Thank you, for being you and sharing your journey with us. And, thank you, for fighting it with all your might.
    And, thanks to God, for keeping you here for another day, that you might continue to encourage so many.
    God bless you, my friend.
    Still praying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Norma, you've done me a singular honour...a comparison with St. Julian! You made my day!

      I so appreciate your prayers, dear friend, and I intend to stay as long as I possibly can. There's still a job to do.

      Delete
  20. Love the prayer, love you, Andrew! And praying that you feel all of our prayers for you on your behalf today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beth, thank you so much, and I do feel the prayers. I need them, really. Situation's gotten worse since I wrote the post!

      Thank you so much for being here.

      Delete
  21. You touch so many. Offer everything up to the Lord. Yes, that's all and that is enough. Thank you for your service to country, to God, to all! Thank you for your amazing words in everything you write. I now follow your other blog. Praying for more grace for you. #75 this week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Mary, your words do me such great honour...I'm really overwhelmed. Thank you for this.

      And for your prayers, and for being here.

      Delete
  22. andrew, i'm sad to hear you continue to feel awful. praying for GOD's comfort for you as you prepare to meet Him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Martha, my friend, thank you so much for the prayers, and for being here.

      Delete
  23. Wow, your words. Your anointed words and that prayer. Goodness, Andrew. I'm in tears. You are making a difference, right where you are. Thank you. I continue to pray and love from afar.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Julie, your words both honour and humble me...thank you for this, and for your continued love, prayers and friendship. Knowing you means a lot to me.

      Delete
  24. Andrew, there is something so wrong about your post. And there is something so very RIGHT about your post. Your trust is strong - as it has to be. Prayers, my brother, I'm sending up prayers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carol...life can be such a dichotomy! Thank you so much for recognizing that trust is indeed strong, and thank you so much for the prayers!

      Delete