This will be a short post, as the past few days have been intensely painful and frightening. Not only is it hard to talk, it's become hard to swallow, and any exertion runs me out of breath, and retching.
I know that the most oft-repeated phrase in the Bible is "don't be afraid", but I'm scared.
I'm scared of how bad this can get. I'm scared of the pain that doesn't seem to know when to say, Enough, already, he's had it!
I'm scared of the effect this has on my outlook, making me cynical and sometimes bitter. When I hear a TV preacher saying that we only need a tiny amount of faith to provide miraculous healing...that of the proverbial mustard seed...I see red.
Because my faith is much smaller than that. The mustard seed is all-in, in trust. Its faith is focused.
I'm human, and I'm not.
Statements like that are a slap in the face, bringing bitterness to boil. I don't want to be like that.
And I'm afraid of losing the hope that keeps me waiting for the new day. I don't want to lose that feeling of anticipation that something good may happen.
Perhaps there is a time to give up earthly hope, and to turn to the expectation of Heaven.
But I'm not ready!
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine this, but suffocating/not breathing is one of my greatest fears. You are not ready, and that's okay. To admit this is huge, though. You have faith in the midst of fear. Daniel may have had wet pants when he was lowered in, but he didn't quit believing.
The furnace was blazing hot but the Hebrews believed. "Even if not, O King..."
We are praying for you. You are a fighter and the fight against the world and how we're trained to think?
You are wielding a mighty pen, brother.
"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." John 15 to you tonight, blessed Andrew. Perhaps Barb can read it to you or you can find one of those soothing British chaps reading it on YouTube.
Love,
Tammy
Tammy, I so appreciate this comment - you have honoured me so much, here, and all I can really say is, thank you.
DeleteI will have B read this to me. He has overcome the whole thing. Yes.
Love back, from all of us.
It's okay to be like that, it's human. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Leon. It's hard to be so scared, and so human...
DeleteWe so appreciate the prayers.
We're all proud of you, and I think God must be, too. You're touching lots of lives - more than most healthy people do. I pray for you every day and wish God would take your pain away, but He knows better than I do and it's what happens in the long run that counts.
ReplyDeleteJan, thank you so much for this. It's hard to believe sometimes that so many people read my words...the only worthwhile legacy I can leave is one of love, and this blog is something of a love letter, to tell anyone out there that I've been down this road, I care, and that life's worth living.
DeleteWe sure appreciate your prayers. The past few days have been bad and getting worse, but I'm still here, and will stay on the job as long as there's breath in me.
Not out of an idiotic machismo, but because it's just the decent thing to do.
Andrew, how hard this must be for you. Even in your pain you have been a bright spot of hope to many of us pointing us to our Savior. I pray that He would wrap you in His loving arms and hold you close in this time of so much pain. Much love to you and Barbara! You have touched my heart and many others, too.
ReplyDeleteGayl, it is hard, harder than I ever thought possible. I had always walked with a precise step, and now I drag my feet...when I CAN walk. The next step I take is as far as I can plan.
DeleteAnd yet...I've learned so much. Today I was considering the Bucket List question - a fantasy for me now - and came to a surprising truth that will be written for the next FMF post.
We really appreciate the prayers. It has been tough
Dear Andrew, I truly can't imagine what your world is like these days. Our humanity will not allow us to always be unafraid, our all-knowing God knows it's not possible. But Christ in us will allow us glimpses of "fear not" moments. I pray God will grant you relief and that he will continue to give you strength and encouragement for as many days as he gives you breath. BTW, as resident aliens in a foreign land, it's ALWAYS right to look for hope in Heaven. It's what keeps me going--no more tears, sorrow pain, no more wolves in sheep clothes, no more ugliness and no more precious friends with horrible life eating diseases.
ReplyDeleteAnd for heaven's sake turn off the stupid tv preachers. There are many great solid preachers that don't preach false doctrine of "just believe hard enough and you'll be healed." How about radio? Shane used to work for Bott Radio Network; solid Bible teaching there or desiringgod.org is filled many great with podcasts.
Christy, to be honest, I wouldn't wish my physical profile onto anyone, not even my worst enemies (and believe me, I had had BAD enemies!).
DeleteI do find that I think of Heaven more and more. There are so many people waiting there for me, in the low-rent part, to be sure, but their incandescent smiles are the light I hope to see.
I have abandoned the TV preachers, and am now watching - on repeat - Ken Burns' PBS series on baseball. It summons good memories, and it gives me hope, for surely "Batter up!" is one of the most oft-heard cries in Heaven.
Oh, Andrew, I'm so sorry for the anguish you are going through, compounded as it is by hearing such carelessly thrown away comments on TV. The onus for healing isn't on you. It rests on Christ alone. It isn't how big or small you perceive your faith to be, but how big our God is. Because our faith rests in God's ability to perform, not in our ability to believe.
ReplyDeleteRight now, struggling for breath as you are, it is God holding you, loving on you, lifting you, supporting and comforting you with His presence. And it is the prayers of so many who love and care for you, that provide wings underneath your hurting frame. I am praying for you to sense that support, lean into the Lord and rest all thoughts of not having enough faith or being enough for anyone. May God bring swift relief from the pain and retching and supernatural peace to soothe your soul. May you be given grace enough to cope with your extremely challenging circumstances, hope to hang onto in the darkest days and wisdom to know you don't always have to try to be strong. It's okay to not be okay, really it is. With gentle hugs and love to you and yours.
Joy, I do feel the Lord's presence, more and more...and there are other signs that I may soon be called home.
DeleteI hear the voices of the beloved dead. In every near-death experience I've had (several), there was a 'welcoming committee'...but now I hear their voices as if from another room, and Barbara hears them too.
The pain is awful. but the lessons still shine bright, and I will try to pass them on as I can. It's just the right thing to do, I guess.
Thank you so much for the prayers. We truly, truly appreciate them.
Praying for you Andrew!
ReplyDelete