This week's word is PASS.
I have to confess that Kate gave me the word early. Stopped breathing for bit on Sunday (click here if you're interested), got canine CPR, but still am shaky and slow. Words are hard come by.
For all the difficulty, I don't want to pass from this life. I don't want to die.
Yes, it hurts, yes, I'm exhausted, and yes, I dread what tomorrow may bring.
But it is worse to look at the routines I have, the imprints of myself in this place...and to see them soon to disappear.
I hate that.
I hate thinking of the dogs who won't hear my voice and whose just-for-me gestures will be seen no more, the tools that will gather dust, the projects I began and couldn't finish developing a patina of rust, and then being put out into the weather to return to their elements.
Death comes to all; every story ends.
But I don't want mine to, not just yet. There has to be some coda yet to hear, and I will fight hard to stick around for it.
Update - "Emerald Isle" just went live on Kindle.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Oh Andrew, praying for you. Love Helen xxxx
ReplyDeleteHelen, thank you. I so appreciate the prayers and love! xxxx
DeleteFather, please bring Andrew comfort of mind as he struggles with mortality. Remind him constantly that Your love endures forever and that while he will be greatly missed here, that you what You have stored up for Him in Heaven is immeasurable. Help our dear brother, Andrew, to be fueled by You each day. Bring him comfort, peace and rest. Push the negative away from him and shield him from the worries of the world. Remind him that You, Lord, have this and remind those who love him, even the dogs, that nothing can separate us in the Spirit realm,in Your realm Father. In Jesus Name, I pray. -Amen
ReplyDeleteLove you a ton Andrew. I can't say my heart isn't heavy each Thursday as I "wait" to see if there has been any news from or about you, but I can say that I know without a doubt that when the Lord does whisper your name and call you Home, that you will experience peace like no other. (((hugs))) Thank YOU for always being a reminder to embrace each moment, good or bad, because we don't know when our names will be called either. <3
~Marisa
TrendingMama.com
Marisa, love you too...I always look forward to your comments, and the light, gentle touch of your faith-filled heart.
DeleteThank you so much for the lovely prayer. It means so much to me!
Andrew, beautiful, poignant post. I so wish I had the perfect words to respond with, but the truth is I don't. As many of us who tell you you will never be forgotten (and you won't), the facts are life changes when one passes beyond the veil here and into heaven. I'm praying comfort for you, for Barb, for the dogs. I can't imagine how difficult it is to consider that first day life goes on here . . . without you physically present.
ReplyDeleteI know God is with you. He will prepare you for each thing you need preparation for. He will strengthen you and comfort you as you live each day. He will give you what you need. I'm praying His presence and His peace on you and all your household. And I'm thanking Him for you each and every day.
Gentle hugs, friend.
jeanne, thank you so much for this. It isn't easy, none of it - and it gets harder - but God's presence becomes ever-more-immanent.
DeleteHe's here, constantly. Sometimes silent, sometimes quite insistent that I KEEP GOING.
And I will.
Thank you so much for the prayers, and the hugs!
Andrew, yes all of our times do come. But it's so hard to say goodbye when the time does come. I choose to cling to the words from Romans "If we live, we live to the Lord. If we die, we die to the Lord. So then whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lords." My heart is heavy friend. I hate seeing you in pain and I selfishly don't want you to go either. Praying always for you and Barbara. I'm in the #5 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteI love that Scripture, Tara. Thank you so much for sharing it!
DeleteI think it was Richard Bach who wrote that goodbyes are said, but are necessary to be able to meet again...and meeting again is certain for those who are friends.
My friend!
I continue to lift you and Barb and the non-human family members up in prayer, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteAnita, thank you so much - they are appreciated and needed. I am the caregiver today; Barbara has a migraine.
DeletePretty tired.
Andrew, you won't have to say goodbye. God always gets "the last word". I can see you trying, though.
ReplyDeleteRemember your dream? I'm still so encouraged by it. Let your anxiety ebb as you imagine racing on a heavenly motorbike and open the throttle wide!!
The best is not here.
More later. I just did 3 hours of teacher
homework.
You know why I am "odd"? My birth year ends in a "1".
Love,
Tammy
I had never heard this song before 2002. I was asked to sing it to honor my Grandfather. It's called "Until Then"
DeleteMaybe you have not heard it either.
Blessings tonight, Andrew. You are held and you are loved.
"My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heartache here is but a stepping stone
Along a trail that's winding always upward,
This troubled world is not my final home.
Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.
The things of earth will dim and lose their value
If we recall they're borrowed for awhile;
And things of earth that cause the heart to tremble,
Remembered there will only bring a smile.
Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.
This weary world with all its toil and struggle
May take its toll of misery and strife;
The soul of man is like a waiting falcon;
When it's released, it's destined for the skies.
Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.
Tammy, thank you, thank you, thank you! That is a lovely, lovely song. I had not heard of it, and now will never forget it.
DeleteI remember the dream. And I won't let it die, even as I am.
Odd, eh? Yeah. You're not alone.
In an email today, I referred to one of David's mighty men as Uriah the Hippie.
Tie-dyed armour and bell-bottoms, making strategy by lava lamp (I have one).
Great fodder for Monty Python?
David duels Goliath in a disco dance-off.
DeleteTammy, yes! The disco dance-off would be much better for Goliath's health, too!
DeleteThough two entire armies might die laughing.
Number 70 this week
DeleteHi Andrew, you are brave and a source of hope. Don't worry about whether you stop by or respond, I understand. I do read sometimes to keep up with your progress. You are safe in the Hands of God...I choose not to worry but to prayerfully lift you and your family up.
ReplyDeleteHugs friend.
Ifeoma, thank you so much for being here today! Your words always brighten my life.
DeleteWe so appreciate the hope and faith in your message, and most especially your prayers.
No words. Sorry it is so hard. Still praying.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Norma. I so appreciate the prayers.
DeleteThank you for sharing from such a real and raw place. It is humbling to read your words and I am moved by you. Praying for peace, for fulfilment and for enlightenment of what you are holding on painfully for.
ReplyDeleteEmma, thank you for your kind and gracious words; they honour me, and illustrate to my heart why I fight rather hard to go on.
DeleteIt's all about community.
Thank you so much for the prayers. They are needed, and appreciated.
You know Andrew, I'm feeling ya...I love life, my life. I like to look at things and enjoy them. My mom loved life too, she entered the gates at 86, and one of the first things Spirit shared with me after she was gone? "She just couldn't believe how much more THERE was better than HERE." I'm not suggesting you stop fighting. I'm just encouraging myself to know when Sophia doesn't show up in the lineup that I know you are 'there' and actually glad you're not 'here.' Does that make any kind of sense? xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteIt does make sense, Susan. Perfect sense!
DeleteA part of me looks forward to that Place, and the cessation of pain (the absence of which I can no longer even imagine).
But I wonder if they're ready for me. Have they put away all the breakables? Has God laid in enough beer?
And what will they think when I get through the pearly gates using a breaching charge?
I'm sure Luther has plenty of brew to share with ya brother! And like the wine at the wedding feast, it'll be better than any human can make here.
DeleteYou've left me speechless friend, and that is hard to do. Phil 1:21 Paul says: For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. (I LOVE how the New Living Translation put it)
ReplyDeleteChristy, what a perfect Scripture, and such a great translation.
DeleteThank you for this, my friend.
Andrew, you are a saint for still publishing, commenting, gathering others around in this days. What is there to say? But that you inspire us all. Your fortitude and heart. Your ability to write out the pain and the truth of it. We are the better for your presence, and always will be.
ReplyDeleteOh, Christina, thank you so much! Your words do me great honour...and it is such a privilege to be a part of this community.
DeleteIf there is god in me, it's very much a learned good, and I learned it from my friends...right here.
My heart goes out to you, Andrew. Praying for you friend!
ReplyDeleteRachel, thank you so much. They prayers are very, very appreciated. These have been hard days.
DeleteEven in your pain, Andrew, you continue to think of others; your family (including your CPR-professional!); your readers; even your projects that may just get tossed back into the elements. You are a Man of God; and He is not ready for you to leave this life...praying for you in your pain and desire to not yet go.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, your words mean so much...thank you.
DeleteI do believe that God still has work for me here ('Emerald Isle' went live on Kindle today...maybe that was part of it).
But in part it may be that He's not quite ready for me up There. I suspect they are still securing the breakables, because Asian rugby players party very, very hard.
God bless you, Andrew. May He bring you comfort this day. Praying for you and Barbara. Soon you will no longer see darkly, everything will be clear and understood and you'll wonder why you didn't want to go.
ReplyDeleteJune, your prayers mean the world to us. Thank you!
DeleteAnd you're right; I think that as I pass through the veil I will feel so at home that it will be an, "Oh, of course" moment.
Until then, not out of the fight.
The influence you've had on all of us who read your posts and messages will never disappear. When you get to Heaven you'll see how God is using you here.
ReplyDeleteJan, thank you This community means the world to me...it IS the world, because it's only here in the 'virtual' world that I am part of a greater whole.
DeleteThat I have some influence and touch lives...that's the greatest honour I have ever had.
sent a prayer up for you
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Kristina. It's appreciated, and needed.
DeleteWe don't want you to pass either, Andrew. Praying you hold on and squeeze out every drop of joy and fulfillment in this life before passing to the next. I'm excited that your book, Emerald Isle is on Kindle! Kudos to you for keeping with your book projects in spite of the pain and challenge each day. I pray your book blesses many!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Beth. I am chuffed that Emerald Isle made it...and it wasn't really my doing. Carol Ashby took it up and brought it to Kindle-ready completion, along with incorporating a few needed changes to bring consistency to the narrative.
DeleteGod's hands at work. I am so grateful.
I continue to pray, Andrew. I pray for God to envelope you in His peace and presence, especially today. Your words bless your readers. We thank God for you.
ReplyDeleteJulie, thank you so much. I so appreciate your lovely affirmation, and your prayers!
DeleteI continue to pray, Andrew. I pray for God to envelope you in His peace and presence, especially today. Your words bless your readers. We thank God for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're still here. Praying for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteCarly, thank you...today was dreadful, but I'm glad I'm still here, too. And we very, very much appreciate your prayers.
DeleteYour imprint, your legacy, your work lives on ...
ReplyDeleteLinda, thank you so much. That means a lot to me.
DeleteThank you for being here, my friend.
I don't presume to know if you've read them, but the very end of C. S. Lewis' Narnia chronicles always catches me up short and puts a lump in my throat, and it's what I thought of when I read that you don't want your story to end. So indulge my bibliophilic tendencies as I share that end with you:
ReplyDelete"... but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has every read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."
And I'm pregnant, so today I didn't just get a lump in my throat. Today it made me cry. Stick around here for as long as you can, please -- but Chapter One is something to look forward to.
Stacy, congratulations! I am so happy for you!
DeleteI've read the narnia series many times...and finished "The Last Battle" on the latest re-read in March.
I love that passage. Thank you so much for sharing it!
And, as Gandalf said, "Not all tears are an evil."
Indeed not; they can be the only thing that can wash away the grime of the world, and truly let us see God.
Thank you so much for being here, Stacy.
I love the way you put this, Marie..."we are eternal creatures trapped in mortality".
ReplyDeletePerfect. And you're right, it's not how it was meant to be.
But I am finding, dimly at first and more clearly, that there is nonetheless glory in what is.
Thank you so much for the prayer!