This is my first contribution to Five-Minute Friday, hosted by Kate Montaug. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.
I was introduced to this unique way to deal with a Thursday evening by Jeanne Takenaka. Thanks, Jeanne! (She has a terrific blog - visit her!)
I think.
It's tough.
The paragraphs below were done with about three seconds to spare.
Dealing with what my doctor says is a terminal illness - that will kill me quite nastily - makes for some pretty long days and some longer nights. There really isn't anything that relieves the pain any more, so I just have to deal with it.
Minutes can seem like hours sometimes.
But I don't have the worst of it - what's long for me is unbearably long for my wife. She has to watch the man she choose to marry decline long (that word again!) before his time. She has to make plans for a long future without me, without making me feel like I'm becoming excess baggage.
It's something that I would not want to do. Something that I don't know I COULD do.
I have the easy bit. I just have to fight an enemy that is unseen but very active, and I can devote my full energy to that. I have to - and sometimes that makes me less than a nice person.
Survivors don't survive because they're nice. They survive because they are, on some level, ruthless. With themselves, to ensure that they don't back down when the going gets rough; and with others, because pity is weakening, and can't be accepted.
Yeah, I think she longs for the old me, and the times before I had something in common with Patrick Swayze and Luciano Pavarotti.
So do I.
What honesty and sensitivity toward your wife. And such a beautiful, selfless sentiment in the midst of your own suffering. Thanks for sharing your journey here- I'll pray for you and your wife now. And thanks for sharing your gift with words. It was a blessing to be linked next to you tonight. Peace, brother...
ReplyDeleteKaren, thank you. I appreciate the kind thoughts, and most especially the prayers. As Tennyson said, thus is the whole world bound with gold chains around the feet of God.
DeleteWell, that's pretty close, I think. It's from "The Passing of Arthur", the last poem in the "Idylls of the King" cycle.
I agree with what Karen said! What a powerful honest post that is so loving and honoring to your wife... and still stating the facts of where you are and what you are battling. Fight on, brother! Praying with you and for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karrilee!
DeleteI'll be fighting on, every day. No one ever taught me how to surrender. I don't think I'd be much good at it.
You have such empathy for your wife's situation. What a blessing for both of you that you can see how difficult this is for her as well. I will be keeping you both in my prayers, because we all know that God is there in what seem to be the darkest of our days and nights.
ReplyDeleteHe sure is, Sherrey! It's funny...one of the "forgiving" steps I have found I have to go through is "forgiving my illness". I fight it, hard, but it's a fight devoid of resentment.
DeleteI can't imagine what life would be like if I had to live with bitterness. Ferocity is one thing - but in a lot of ways this fight is like a life-or-death rugby game. Does that make sense?
Andrew, I love this post and your compassion toward your wife. Your love shows through.
ReplyDeleteYour determination to live well inspires me. Continuing to pray.
And thanks for the shout out! Very kind of you. :)
Jeanne, thank you, and you're welcome for the reference...there have been days when reading one of your knew posts, or rereading an old one, has gotten me through.
DeleteHey Andrew ... I hope that you'll find this 300 seconds of writing to be a great boost to your spirits and a challenge to your writing chops. It's been that to me.
ReplyDeleteMay there be whispers of peace in your weekend ...
Thanks, Linda! It is a challenge, but I enjoy it. It sharpens me.
DeletePeace would be nice. Tonight is starting to look, well...scary.
You have such courage, Andrew. You're facing down an ugly enemy who doesn't fight fair. Yet you keep pressing in instead of giving up. I'm just returning home from the funeral of a friend who died from cancer. I'm reminded again that we often need to forgive our own bodies for the way they betray our will. Praying you get through this day, this night, this hour, this minute.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you joined in for Five Minute Friday. I hope it's not the last time. Thank you for writing raw and for writing real. My heart goes out to you, and to your dear wife. May the Lord sustain you both during this immense trial.
ReplyDelete