"Any man out here who's not afraid is either dead or a liar"- attributed to Capt. A. A. Haldane, USMC, at the Battle of Peleliu, Sept. 16, 1944
I'm scared.
Scared to die, sure. I believe in God, I believe that there's a Heaven, and I've had some experiences that objectively support that belief...but the transition is frightening.
And I'm afraid of more pain. Today (Sunday October 19, as I write this) has been almost intolerable. Worse is unthinkable...but that may be where it's going.
I mentioned this to someone close today, and was told that if I had more thoughts of Heaven I wouldn't fear the pain so much.
That was not exactly the best thing to say. It calls to mind retorts that typically end up sounding like, "Oh yeah? let's trade, and you try it."
I'd love to have the serene faith and trust one typically ascribes to church martyrs, but I have a sneaking suspicion, from this end of the pond, that they were more scared than we know...it's just that they didn't quit.
After all, Jesus was scared! When He was sweating blood at Gethsemane, He certainly sounded frightened. Good reason, too.
So I guess I'm in good company. And too ill, at the moment, to write more.
If you get the chance, please drop by my other blog, www.dailygracequotewordpress.com, for a quote and commentary on grace in marriage.
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI wish I had words of comfort for you, friend. I know that God never leaves us or forsakes us. I did stop by the other page, it was down. I will continue to stop back. Praying for God's continued mercy and grace for you.
Kim,thank you. I know God is here...and that He hates this ordeal as much as I do.
DeleteThe other page should be up now. I'm still not quite used to Wordpress! It was my mistake.
On the post - I got the website wrong. It's
Deletehttp://dailygracequote.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/mirrors
I appreciate your honesty. And I'm so sorry for your pain. :( I just lost a friend to cancer last week, and she had been in some bad pain. It wasn't pretty--and to gloss it over as such would be wrong. Her husband got her some stronger pain meds her final week (not knowing it was her final week), and with those she had some peace at the end.
ReplyDeleteEven those of us who think we're not afraid of death should still carry a healthy respect of dying. It's the pain that I fear too. You're living it, and I ask God to alleviate it as much as possible and to help the medical community to rescue you from as much of it as they can and that you'll accept.
Thank you, Lisa. This is definitely a hard road, and I would not wish it on anyone. Sometimes I think that if this had to land somewhere...better on me than someone else.
DeleteI'm going without pain meds. I went down that road and lost a part of myself; it wasn't worth it. Medical science is great, and I'm all for the help it can provide, but there are limits to what someone with PTSD can take.
Also, I can't afford them, which makes the decision simpler!
Oh, I can't imagine enduring such a trial. May the God of all comfort be your source of comfort and strength, now and always.
ReplyDeleteKate, thank you. He is.
DeleteBut sometimes He comforts me in the way I need it. When I fall, He doesn't put His arms around me. He yells in my soul.
"GET! UP!"
"NOW!"
I like that kind of God. He's yelling with a smile.
Praying for peace and comfort for you! You are in good company with Jesus and I hope that provides you some of the peace you need today. Blessings!
ReplyDelete