Folks have said this...write your story.
Publish your poems.
Leave the words that have defined your life.
And I don't know how.
Cancer is a process, not an event...and so is faith.
I began with attitude...you-can't-kill-me!
But it can, and it will.
Then there was acceptance...well-OK-God's-will-and-all-that.
And this brings us to today...I'll-go-as-hard-as-I-can-for-as-long-as-I-can.
This isn't The Last Lecture, or Tuesdays With Morrie. I have no wisdom to impart, and I can't tell you how to achieve your dreams (aside from saving stray dogs, I don't even know what mine were...but maybe the stray dog thing is enough for one lifetime).
I'm just a bloke who found God in life's roughest neighbourhood, and I'm OK with dying horribly because I'm not alone. There doesn't seem much more to say.
I mean, things are physically terrible. Can't walk a few steps without running out of breath, the tumours in the throat (mentioned last week...yeah, there's another one just came up) really hurt, and mealtime's kind of like a heavy weightroom session. Painful.
Let's not talk about sleep, and especially not about dunny breaks. Please.
And I'm happy. I believe in God, and that there's purpose here, and not knowing the Why is OK.
What, my friends, might you want to hear? PLEASE tell me in the comments. I'm at sea here.
Normally I do not re-use sonnets; bad form and all that, but this one, written for Steve Laube's post about the books he's looking for, does seem to fit.
I wonder if this story
is one folks want to
hear;
it's testament to glory
amidst the thorns of
fear.
It's not about a cuddle-God,
but One who's stern and
straight,
and even though my life
was flawed
and cancer is my fate,
in my heart He doth
abide,
and walks beneath the
blue-sky dome
always, always at my
side
to speak of my eternal home,
and forsking all His
dignity,
in the night He weeps for
me.
Music from John Tesh (at Red Rocks) with Trading My Sorrows (please click here if the video doesn't come up on your device).
Everyone has a story worth telling :). We never know exactly who needs to hear it, and so we just keeping telling our story with humility and grace.
ReplyDeleteAnita, thank you...these are good points, and a way ahead to tell the story.
DeleteOur story - I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith, I habe won the race!
ReplyDeleteFiona, this is perfect! Thank you!
DeleteAmen Andrew. His(story) begat our story. May God keep you running the good race with us. Blessings
ReplyDeleteFNF#5
Paula, I love this, that His story begat ours. Blessings back!
Delete(((((Andrew)))))
ReplyDelete(((((Barbrar)))))
Annie in Texas
((((((ANNIE!))))))
DeleteWe're so glad you're here!
"I wonder if this story is one folks want to hear; it's testament to glory
ReplyDeleteamidst the thorns of fear" - this is so apt; I often wonder the same thing but I carry on sharing because I know I have no other to testify about God.
So true, Wemi...we can only testiy to His Love with what we have!
DeleteAndrew, it has been so long since I have heard that song! May you keep telling your story for there is purpose in every post, every word. May you keep fighting the fight and running your race! Praying for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteJoanne, thank you so much for this affirmation...I'll keep this going as long as I am able.
DeleteAnd I'm so glad you like the song!
What might I want to hear? You have written so much, so well, already. Your life and faith have been a testament to me. Your story has been a precious gift for me and all who are reading your posts. Keep on keeping on, my friend. Prayers -as always- continue for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteKaren
Karen, wow...your words and thoughts here mean so much to me, and are such an honour!
DeleteAs are your prayers, and we deeply thank you.
Andrew, keeping you and Barb in my prayers. I love telling and hearing stories. I've learned so much from yours. Thank you brother.
ReplyDeleteDuane, thank you, for your kind and affirming words, and especially for your prayers.
DeleteSomeone wrote, I don't recall his name, "dont speak unless you improve the silence". That may not be verbatim, but the message is the same. We will never know the why. Why can't I figure out how to get my stories and 800 poems off the screen? I wrote another yesterday. I title it "Laughable"
ReplyDeleteCome, let us count the stars before the donning of dawn!
Hand in hand we unravel our dreams
Only to find infinity has
Neither beginning nor end
To me, it all became laughable.
For me, your words, your story improves the silence.
What if our words are for one person? I know yours are not, but what if they were? Is it enough? Maybe to God, it is. He gave His Only Son, just one.
You and Barbara are truly in my prayers, by name.
Mary, I thin you nailed it with the question, what if our words are meant for just one person?
DeleteI think David's psalms were just that, meant or God.
And the poem you wrote, it's just lovely. Thank you for sharing it.
Always love reading your thoughts - thank you for being a light! I cannot imagine the pain you are in - but thank you for shining light on what you are experiencing. I lost my gran to cancer 18 months ago and it still sucks. All I can say is "thank you." Many blessings Aliyah
ReplyDeleteAliyah, thank you for this...and I'm so sorry for the loss of your Gran. It does suck, and sorrow has no expiration date.
DeleteAndrew I wouldn't want any part of your story to involve the pain you are going through currently. I am so sorry. I love your poems and stories you share of your life they are inspiring to so many and you put many of us to shame with your fantastic can do attitude. God bless Loretta visiting from fmf
ReplyDeleteLoretta, your words do me such honour...there's nothing I can ay but a humble Thank You, truly.
DeletePerhaps it's time for us to write, and for you to listen. Reading your blog reminds me a lot of the tales of The Old Man and the Sea. Only instead of two days or three, you've been out for years and ye, won't be released or brought to shore, before your time has come, no less no more. Hold tight brother.
ReplyDeleteLeon, thank you for this. There are times I do feel very much at sea, being blown further and further from any safe shore.
DeleteIt's in my long bones now.
Holding on, but it really hurts.
Being happy and knowing God...what more can one ask for? We're pretty darn lucky! Keep looking at the bright side! Jennifer
ReplyDeletejennifer, to quote Lou Gehrig, I feel that I'm the luckiest man alive.
DeleteI know love, and I know God. That's enough.
Andrew, I was in tears by the time I got to your "And I'm happy." Thank you for sharing your life. It's a reminder to pray for those going through way tougher things in life than I can possibly imagine. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteCindie, I'm so grateful for your affirming words, and most epecially your prayers.
Deletehow you see hope. That's what I want to hear. Where do you find it? what does it look like? How has God shown it to you in your life? I've seen glimpses of it everytime I stop in. :)
ReplyDeleteAnnette, I see hope in each sunrise (we have a clear horion here, and I can usually see the sun's corona peek up), feel it in the desert breeze, hear it in the sound of fifteen dogs happily snoring in the middle of the night, and touch it in my dear wife's chee...because all o these are from God, and are the blessings of my life
DeleteYour posts and sonnets have been a real blessing and encouragement. In fact, I have saved many of them. You have touched me more than you know, and I'm sure many others as well. Thanks for sharing your story with us. You and Barb are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Grams -- visiting from #35
Grams, you just flat-out mae my day...I'm so delighted that what I've said has found value in your heart!
DeleteWe thank you so much for your prayers. This has been a truly dreadful week. I will try to get to your post later today.
It seems I write you late at night. That's when I read your posts. Today the clerk at the grocery store was talking about her husband and his tumors and treatments with the lady ahead of me. She was young, maybe thirty-ish, but upbeat and joyful. The customer was sharing her story...she'd lost 200 pounds, then lost her house in the CACamp Fire, hadn't had a house since, gained back 100 pounds, now back to walking again. They talked about Jesus being with them, giving them the grace to bear up. I chimed in about their resiliency. Sometimes I'm so proud of people and I don't even know them. The week before, a scruffy young man helped bag my groceries for me. He looked like he'd been hard at work all day, and he just stepped up and wouldn't take no for an answer. That blessed and surprised me. There's some good out there and that helps. Andrew, you've been my friend on your site for like five or six years. You've kept the faith and brought smiles here and on some of the other sites. You have a quick mind and I envy that (in a good way). I appreciate you. By the way, I didn't get anywhere with my book proposal. I don't have the followers (and probably other stuff), so, back to square one. Maybe I need to reinvent myself. Haha! You wanted me to let you know, so there you have it.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Norma, thank you so much for being here, and for sharing these stories. There is indeed good out there, the kind of good that begets hope anew, every day.
DeleteI'm so sorry the book proposal hasn't gone anywhere, but please, keep at it and don't think about reinventing yourself. You're loved just as you are.
Sometimes, when people are going through tough times, they just need to hear they are not alone. And not alone in just that moment but also in that circumstance. Maybe, by simply sharing your story, you would be helping someone else to go through the process and find it to be less scary. We all need glimmers of hope to cling to and I believe God gives us our story to help others through theirs. Praying for you, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteThis is Deanna from wisdomfromafather.com, by the way...
DeleteDeanna, thank you so much for this encouragement...I do try to write in a way I hope will help others find 9and keep!) faith through the dark times that life can bring, and as you so aptly put it, to make it all less scary.
DeleteThank you so much for your prayers!
I love your honesty and your willingness to share this end of life journey with us. I have walked through cancer with more then one person that I love (including myself). The diagnosis is always heartbreaking but the end doesn't have to be, a life well lived will speak volumes to those you leave behind. Praying for God's mercies on you today.
ReplyDeleteBarb - FMF#42
Barb, you said this so well...the diagnosis is heartbreaking but the end doesn't have to be.
DeleteThank you for this, for your presence here, and for your prayers.
I'm so sorry that you continue to get worse, Andrew, though we all knew these things were coming. And I can hear in your voice a sense of discouragement over your writing, which I can totally understand, given your circumstances. I've actually been surprised it's not surfaced sooner. I don't know what to tell you about what else to write about. As most have said here, keep on sharing your experiences and very wise insights. You don't know how wise and encouraging you are, do you, Andrew?! Also, do you have some British or Canadian background? I see it in your terminology and spelling sometimes. Just curious! Praying!
ReplyDeleteBeth, yes, there is some discouragement...I want to share this, share the chiaroscuro of despair and joy intermingled, but who would want to read it? It's a conceit to say that 'only someone who's been here can unerstand, and the rest don't want to'.
DeleteI want to share this. I want to share the fact that hope can bloom when all is truly hopeless. I don't know how.
And yes, you caught me! I am a British-educated Mongol who spent perhaps too much time with Australians
That song was a favorite in the Celebrate Recovery group I helped lead. Yep, we're acknowledging our pain and our sorrows and all the ugly stuff. But we're focusing on the joy of the Lord.
ReplyDeletePreach it, brother!
Linda, Barb was rehearsing this or her church's music group (she's vocals and percussion...I tell her she looks like Phil Collins).
DeleteIt's a good song, and does clarify focus.
Our own stories often don't seem unique and special to us, but they provide encouragement and can point to God and help others not feel alone in their troubles and what seems ordinary life. I think our stories can be the glue that binds us to others, connecting us in ways that nothing else can. We know our self, but only when hearing the story of another do we get a peek into them and their life.
ReplyDeleteTheresa, I love this thought, that our stories are the glue that binds us to others. That gives me,personally, such encouragement, an a way ahead.
DeleteThank you for this.
I agree with Carol. You could the same thing over and over and over again, Andrew, and my heart would revel in its Light - that looks into all my dark places and still sees hope. ❤ ❤ ❤ Looking forward to a couple of spins around heaven's block with you some eternal day.
ReplyDeleteJane, I'm looking for a few turns 'round heaven's block with you, as well.
DeleteI'm so grateful for your presence here, and your friendship.