Your Dying Spouse 665 - Lost And Found {FMF}

Life takes.

And cancer takes even more.

It is easy to focus on what's been lost; I can't raise my arms above head-high without pain (tumours in the neck), or bend over without the prospect of passing out (tumours in the abdomen), or walk fast (tumours in the lung).

I don't have the energy to do more than what's absolutely necessary, and a bit of writing; just my blog posts, and comments on other blogs.

The future's kind of foreshotened...there were so many plans...

For someone who used to be almost frantically active, it's a hard adjustment. I want to do stuff; and I can't.

But that's less than half of the story, because I've also received a lot, and it outweighs the loss.

I live every moment, now; there's no such thing as 'killing time'. (What an ugly expression!)

I've learned, I hope, a bit of humility. I thought high achievement made the man; no achievement certainly resets one's heart.

I've learned to truly care for and about others, because the love I can leave in their lives will be my only legacy.

In losing, I've gained.

In dying, I live.

Lord, I've lost so very much,

it's been taken from my hands.

If it's not wrong, asking such,

what on earth are your plans?

I dreamt of reaching out in words

and rising up in flight;

how could this have been untowards,

did I somehow dim Your light?

"My son, you look at what's been lost,

and I understand your tears and pain,

but know, with you, I've paid the cost,

and My tears for you remain.

If you'll but move clenched fists apart,

I've got something for you  My whole Heart."

Music from Engelbert Humperdinck, with Another Time, Another Place. Remember it?

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 664 The Adult In The Room

Canine society is interesting, and service dog self-organization is just fascinating.

Chris is a yellow Lab, and before I got sick he had a job as Best Pal for our senior dogs. He truly has nursedog instincts, staying with the oldsters and helping them, steadying them when they walked, and making sure they ate properly.

And then he moved on to me, and I think that he franly found my canine care a bit ragged. He's got Ladron (Service-Dog-In-Chief), Sylvia, and now Belle whipped into shape, his vision for how duties must be done.

He's organized them into 'watches', so that they are on duty  looking after me, helping when I need steadying (and encouraging me to eat), and hiding my tools when I'm too sick to work.

And, yes, 'hiding tools' includes a summay closing of laptop. Hard to open it when you've got a hundred pounds of dog lying across the thing.

Chris, of course, is always at my side.

He's the Adult In The Room.

He's older than the mesa

and skinny as a rail,

but his mind's like a razor,

backed up with waggy tail.

He has a certain set of rules

that other dogs must follow;

if they rebel, act like fools

there's trouble that they borrow.

Chris is, of course, the Alpha Beast;

woe betide who do not heed.

He's not shy, not in the least;

even old teeth make you bleed.

We both see the approaching end,

and I'm glad to call him as my friend.

Music from The Lion King, with Hakuna Matata.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 663 - Lie To Me

This one's for the caregivers.

Sometimes you have to lie.

Facing pain and death, the person you're caring for sometimes has to hear that you believe that they can make it, that there's still hope.

Even if your heart says there isn't.

Lie.

Because we can't do this alone, any of us.

I need you, friend, to tell me

that things will come out right,

that there will be a new bright day

beyond this endless night.

I need the focus of your mind

to judge, and make the call

that there's no final truth behind

the writing on the wall.

I need your hand upon my shoulder,

a quick firm squeeze to make it clear

that even though the times grow colder

you will still be here.

I ask this most of all, dear friend,

reassurance that it's not the end.

Music from Breathe, with the somewhat paradoxical Don't Tell Me Lies.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 662 - The Enjoying Of The Air {FMF}

When you were a kid, did a friend ever dare you to see how long you could hold your breath?

And to remember that painful shuddering exhalation at the end, and how sweet the next breath was?

That's sort of where I am now, a large tumour (yeah, lymphoma) on each side of the neck, making every new breath something of a relief.

Even more, a pleasure. I never thought I would enjoy breathing before.

And I don't want to stop.

As spiked with pain as every moment's movement is, I enjoy the little things so much more now.

Like breathing. The pace of breathing is the cadence of life. (And pace is the Five Minute Friday writing prompt this week.)

I don't want to lose them.

I wonder if His human side

did not want to be killed,

to bear the spear that pierced His side

that Divine could be fulfilled.

I wonder if He closed His eyes,

and drank so deep of air

that He did, with breath's reprise

beseech Father with this prayer:

"Abba, let Me stay awhile,

let Me feel the wind and rain,

to forego the day of mortal trial,

and the coming wave of pain.

Dear Abba, am I wrong to ask

another ending to this task?"

Music from Aliotta, Haynes & Jeremiah, with Lake Shore Drive.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 661 - The Strawberry Beast

Looking for a service-dog-in-training, you could do worse than a young Bullmastiff.

Strawberry turned up one summer day, brought to us by the son of a neighbour. She was caked in mud, very thin, and very, very sad.

Now she's noisy, attentive, bossy, and she can stand on her hind legs and put her front paws on my shoulders.

Had a pain spike while walking her a few days ago, and she dragged me into the best shade that sage could provide.

I'm glad she's here.

A hundred pounds of lightning

that waits to be unleashed

for fun, but not for fighting,

and thus the Strawberry Beast.

She was sick on coming here

and would not touch a bite,

recovering on Miller's beer

and strawberry Pedialyte.

When she runs she is quite quick

but when it comes to turns,

she hasn't really learned the trick;

she crashes and she burns.

She'll be groggy from the dust-cloud roll,

then run again, full heart and soul.

Music, of course, from The Fab Four, with Strawberry Fields Forever.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.