Your Dying Spouse 587 - The Impossible {FMF}

And this has been a really hard week. Hate saying that maybe as much as y'all hate reading it.

I was outside two days ago, enjoying a mellow late-winter sun, when something went 'crack-thump' in my chest. It was more felt than heard (but it was heard), and brought both pain and a lot more trouble breathing. Feels like my right lung isn't working, but that's probably just my imagination. There's also another swelling on the chest wall, there. UG-ly.

A couple of more swellings in the neck make talking very hard; Barb's brought home communion from church so I can have it every day, and she has to say the Lord's Prayer. I can't get through it without losing my voice and coughing.

And life is still good, and joy far outweighs the misery.

I can't control what happens to me; I don't want to die, but this latest thing kind of disregards my opinion.

I can keep a positive attitude, looking to what I can do rather than mourning what's lost.

While tomorrow looks and feels writ in stone, it's not. I'm not talking about a miracle, here, though that would be nice.

It's more about drawing on the strength God offers to prevail, even in a small way, over that which besets me.

A small victory today can set the stage for a larger one tomorrow.

Or not.

But a small victory is still a win.

'Twas a thump within my chest

from somewhere deep inside,

to add to cancer's manifest

from which I cannot hide.

I choke with every inhalation

and every step's a trial.

Agony is life's formation

here in durance vile.

Despair, though, has not yet won,

although it does its best.

If I can greet the rising sun

I will have passed the test.

And the Son was rising, on His way to die,

on the road to Calvary; if He could, so can I.

Music by Patrick Doyle, with Memoriae Tuae from the wonderful film Sgt. Stubby - An American Hero. It's an animated and acurate telling of the story of the most decorated dog in American military history, and is a reminder of a war that should never be forgotten. I strongly recommend Sgt. Stubby for all ages. (I linked to Amazon, and as this blog is not monetized, I get no 'cut'; I just think you should buy or rent the movie. Wall-to-wall five-star reviews.)

Martis nec gladius, belli nec ignis impiger
vivim monumentum umquam memoriae tuae consumet

"Nor Mars' quick sword nor his fire shall burn
the living record of your memory."

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 586 - Deathbed Confession

We all have secrets.

Some, we take to the grave. Others, well...

There is a secret that I keep,

and hesitate to share;

do not to a conclusion leap;

I'm not having an affair.

There are no wild gambling debts,

and I'm not inclined to smut;

these would be serious threats

that could cause your heart to shut.

I do not go on shopping sprees,

though I want a Barrett rifle,

and I come to you on bended knees;

confession's not a trifle.

Time to come clean, so what the heck:

"My dear, my role model is Shrek."

And Barb said, "I knew that from the first. Why d'you think I married you?

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 585 - Only If {FMF}

So many blog posts and sermons and books center on the theme of If Only.

If Only I had asked her for a date, If Only I hadn't married him, If Only I had taken that job, If Only I hadn't robbed that bank.

Useless. What's past is past.

Let's turn that on its head, and look at Only If.

Only If you give up on your life does cancer win.

It's not about dying; everyone dies, including a certain carpenter who was God become Man.

No one here gets out alive, but if we throw in the towel, we give the devil his victory.

It's also not the feel-good twaddle about 'not giving up on your dreams'; that somehow, a Santa-Claus God will give you a way to achieve them.

Your dreams are not validated by achievement; if they are given you by the Almighty, they are validated by the way you care for them.

If you stay true to their purpose when you can't advance an inch to the goal, if you hold their value in your heart when the progress you've made is torn asunder, then you've remained true to the reason God gave you them in the first place.

The devil can win only if you let him.

Here's a wonderful clip from Avengers: Infinity War that illustrates the point (and yes, there's a poem below)..

The season of cancer came,

and before it my soul quailed.

I wanted my old life, the same,

but my heartfelt entreaties failed.

Without insurance, I surely learned

of the full extent of pain,

but the resentment I might have earned

proved unworthy of the name.

In my private hell, I fully saw

the Saviour's bleeding Passion,

and it's with a kind of awe

that I can mirror this, in action.

I'm not the Christ, but if I yet Love

I am no stain on God above.

And if you want music, here's Enya with...what else...Only If.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 584 - Why I Am A Christian {FMF}

I wasn't always a Christian, and some people have asked how I came to the faith.

Pretty simple...by logic.

I realized early on that there was 'something' inside me that pushed me to choices I would not otherwise have made, choices that went against stuff like self-preservation.

It became kind of a vital question one day when I was on my knees next to a burning car, helping pull out the driver and waiting for the vehicle to blow up during the process. I didn't know the driver from Adam, and I just happened to be there at the time.

I sure didn't want to be there. But something inside said, "You gotta."

Much later, when I got sick with the thing that's killing me now, I went through the whole pain-and-despair thing, and again, there was this 'person', not me, but definitely Someone, saying "Hold on, and keep doing your best." Again, I sure didn't want to. I wanted to curl up in a foetal poition.

Sounded suspiciously like what I'd heard Christians talking about, so I looked it up.

There was a historical Jesus, verfied by contemporary non-Biblical sources.

He had followers who, after His 'death', caried his message when they knew it would kill them.

Anyone who'd do that was either nuts, or was following something true. There really wasn't a middle ground. And nothing in the New Testament remotely suggests that the Apostles were loony-tunes, out for a spiritual self-immolating ego trip.

The preponerance of evidence was convincing.

Christianity is logically true.

And I guess that begs the question of how I retain faith in the face of terminal cancer.

Again, pretty simple.

I don't have the courage to do this every day, much less the sheer mental and physical strength to cope with something far worse, physically an emotionally, than I have experienced, or imagined.

Breath comes around tumours like rocks, pain stabs lymph nodes in the chest, neck, and groin, and the slightest effort results in a cough that's deep, painful, and turns into dry heaves...and sometimes worse.

It's also exhausting. A minimal daily routine is all I can do, and the prospect of a visit to the lav can be daunting.

There's no meaningful pain relief, no medical care, no nothing. I've fallen through the cracks of the 'care system', but that's another story (and one I'm not interested in telling).

I do a lot to build morale and motivation, but the limits of moto stuff were reached and exceeed long ago.

The strength is given me.

I think St. Paul said somewhere that he could do nothing remotely cool on his own. I get that.

There's one Entity that can do all this, and He goes by the name of God.

I did not come to Christ's door

through a blazing epiphany.

No bright light knocked me to the floor,

nor visions did I see.

I simply came to feel and know

of something inside, not I,

that braced against the blow

when 'I the man' wanted just to die.

The hope that rose had human touch;

He'd walked this road to Calvary.

And He held me in value, such

that He'd bear the pain again, with me.

The road to come holds desperate harms,

but I'm safe-carried in His Mighty Arms.

Music from the U.S Army Field Band, with The Battle Hymn Of The Republic.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.