Don't know what's more amazing, that I've survived this long or that I screwed up the order like that.
A couple of days ago there was a sermon on Trinity Broadcasting by Robert Jeffers, on what we can expect in Heaven.
Barb was curious that I didn't want to watch. I mean, the likelihood is that I'll be going soon...why would I not want to know that balm to which my aching heart and body could look forward?
I told her that I'd find out soon enough, but that's not the whole reason.
The big thing is sorrow...because I really do love my life here. And I'm sad to be leaving.
Yes, it hurts to breathe, and to move, and now bones are fracturing under normal use, which really can't be good.
Yes, food is all unappetizing, and sleep doesn't come, just eerie dozes with weird dreams, like playing golf with a chimpanzee, and being Tom Clancy's chauffeur.
And pain. Did I mention that? As I type this I want to scream. It hurts so damned much.
But in spite of all that, I don't want to go. I want to continue praying for Barbara, and to see her grow professionally and personally.
I want to take care of my dogs, who have taken such good care of me by providing laughs and warm furry hugs.
I want to watch my friends from cyberspace develop their writing skills, and climb that hard mountain of success.
I want to be here for them.
And for me. Sure there are tears, but a smile through the tears counts for something, yeah? I'd like to think, something big.
Heaven's probably a pretty swell place.
But it's not my place. Not yet.
Music from the Alan Parsons Project, with Closer To Heaven. It's a lovely song; please give it a listen.
Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.
I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Reminds me of a comment Kara made... something like this: her father coming to pick her up from the grand ball early. Oiy. :( I've thought on that at times. Hard. So hard. And that's just hypothetical thinking. I wish we didn't have such limited thinking, cuz then I'm sure we'd just want to be there and not here. But limited we are and i'm just so sorry. -Emily
ReplyDeleteEmily, I love that quote from Kara. Thank you so much!
DeleteLimited thinking's OK. Lets us make the most of the time we have here. And we wouldn't BE here if He didn't think it important.
Awww, Andrew. Such a beautiful post. I love your heart for Barb, for your dogs, and for your cyber-friends. I'm praying for you and Barb daily. I can't even begin to imagine how how hard this season is for each of you. And in spite of it, your light, your hope, they come through every fought-for word you type. I'm praying for as many days as God is willing to give you, and I'm praying that He continues to prepare your heart for your real home.
ReplyDeleteYou, my friend, are a huge blessing.
Jeanne, thank you so much for this. He IS preparing - and guarding - my heart.
DeleteAnd in the meantime, I'll write Hope, because that hope is His. And mine.
One day all of us who love reading your posts will see you in person there. And the pain will be gone!
ReplyDeleteJan, what a day that will be! And for the friends I've made - like you - the pain has been worth it.
DeleteWishing you joy in the pain, love in the shadows, happiness in the star-studded night, warmth in the darkest of hours, and sunshine in the glorious hours. Some day you will be free and soaring, and it will be resplendent and tremendous unlike any experience before known. How do I know? I don't, but I believe it. There have been moments, seconds, really, when I've seen the clouds roll back and the glories shine forth. I asked myself, what did I just see? One cannot adequately describe it.
ReplyDeleteSo, my friend, you continue on with a broken body but a spirit alive and celebrating the goodness of being alive. Thank you for remininding us of the gift of now. Thank you.
My dear Norma, dear friend, thank you so much for this. The clouds have been rolled back for me; He is holding me in His Arms, and whispering of the Glory.
DeleteI would not have missed this for the world.
There have been two times in my life where I suspected heaven was near, for me. And then there is the reality that I have seven beautiful babies there, waiting... (and three incredible dogs, because I believe that.) and a mom... and a grandmother. Quite the greeting committee awaiting my arrival- (plus... JESUS!) but, I love my life here. I love my people, and my time. I love smells and flavors and just BEING. There have been times when I've felt tremendous guilt about this, but God wants us to love our lives. They are His gift to us. He understands where you are coming from and how you are feeling better than anyone else can. That being said, I suspect when my time comes, I will share your sentiments exactly.
ReplyDeleteAnd honestly, when you join the celestial cheering squad, I will likely remember so many of the eloquent and breath-startling things you've written.
Misty, you're so right, that God does want us to love our lives. And those who are waiting...the babies and the people and the dogs (how could Heaven be Heaven without them?)...for them, it's just a moment until we're there.
DeleteI'm so grateful for this, Misty, these lovely words you've offered.