It's getting ugly.
Literally...I've got these big nasty sellings where the lymph nodes live, along the side of my ribcage under my arms...and in the abdomen, here the pancreas lurks. And starting up on the neck. Not a Kodak moment.
Yuck. And they really, really hurt. I'm constantly doing a Moses, arms outstretched, to avoid contact-pain. Aaron and Hur go by the names Ladron and Sylvia, keeping the arms up.
It's been suggested to me by many who sincerely love me that it's time to let go - to fall away into Jesus' arms, and to let the pain end.
It's even been suggested that I consider assisted suicide - legal in my state. Pain is bad and fixin' to get worse. A LOT worse.
Why not just skip it? I mean, three near-death events in three weeks, and it does look like God is calling me home.
Perhaps He is, and perhaps I'm a fool for not answering His call, but...
...I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep...
I promised to do my best in this life, and even though the scope of my abilities is drastically reduced, I can still do something.
I can keep writing this blog, to witness to the fact that even in pain and humiliation, we can choose to make our lives worthwhile.
I can encourage friends I'll never meet in this life not to give up on their dreams, that their dreams are God-given and important to Him. Dreams make a difference.
I can pray for my wife and for our friends and for those people for whom a single prayer can to the balance for hope.
I can say a kind word, and then say another one. I have to pause for breath between each word, yeah. But a pause is not an end. (And pause is the Five Minute Friday prompt this week.)
I can share my blessings, as long as I have one breath left to give.
To. Give.
And so, over to Laura Story, with Blessings.
Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.
I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And Marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Andrew, yes you still can inspire and encourage with your prayers and your blog! You are right - " But a pause is not an end." So thankful you are still here and I could read your words again. Blessings and love to you and Barb.
ReplyDeleteGayl, thank you so much; this means a lot to us. Blessings and love back!
DeleteThank you, Andrew. I read your blog every Thursday night as I type up my FMF post. I never really know what to say, but I am glad that you have this outlet to share your life with us. I pray that you honor God with the rest of your days and that are led to do what is right in His eyes. I know you are in pain but there is hope on the other side. I am sure you know this very well. Thanks for always being encouraging through your writing. #6 at FMF.
ReplyDeleteMaryann, FMF has honestly been a huge factor in keeping me going; I'm supported on Love. I'm so grateful for your kind and honouring words, and especially for your prayers.
DeleteMay your pain pause. May your heart swell in good feelings, and may your continue to know that your words matter. That we at FMF read them, and your books have been downloaded to my ipad and likely many others. Words last. We won't. However, your words have eternal significance for the hearts of others who read them. Praying for you and our friend Tim who both have the cancer pain presently.
ReplyDeleteJenn
Jenn, thank you so much, and please forgive my delayed response.
DeleteThank you so much for your prayers, and we will be praying for Tim.
Andrew, I am grateful for your determination to live on and be a source of inspiration and encouragement. The Lord will take you home when you have done all. Till then, sweet man, may you & Barb hold onto Jesus knowing He is surely holding onto each of you. Praying for you both this morning!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Joanne. He will indeed take me when the job's done, and till then, we're holding tight to Jesus.
DeleteThank you so much for your prayers!
Andrew, your bravery and continual faith in the face of suffering. I know this sounds cliche, but you do inspire me, in your fight to live, despite the pain. Your words continue to have power and encouragement to all of us.
ReplyDeleteBethany, I'm so grateful for your kind and honouring words (and please forgive my delay in replying).
DeleteThank you for your courage to share your pain, Andrew. I am thankful you are continuing to bear witness to all the Lord has done.
ReplyDeleteSteph, thank you so much, and please forgive my late reply. In the midst of the pain there are so many blessings; I'm honoured to bear witness.
DeleteThank you for continuing to share, even from the depths of your pain. May the Lord bring the same comfort to you that you have so willingly given to others. Praying for you and your wife through these days.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this time with us. Sending love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI was really encouraged to read your blog post today - especially your honesty about other suggesting that you opt of the pain through assisted suicide. But your choice to live every day you have been given is a courageous and beautiful one. I believe it honors the God who gave you this life, because it surrenders to His timing and submits to His purposes. He has already used your life in powerful ways and every day you yield to Him will be a gift that others will be blessed through!
ReplyDeleteWe think of death here as the end, but I think this is the prologue. The real story is God's work in our lives and the one to come. Many blessings!
ReplyDeleteWow! I echo what Marie said above! And Blessings is one of my fave songs. You and Barb are a blessing to us all!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely give encouragement to many in the midst of your pain! Thank you for making the effort to keep writing! And Blessings is a favourite song of mine too. As always, praying for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteYou are still making a difference. And I admire your courage for not giving up.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. You're so valued and loved. What an awesome warrior of God you are. Asking for angels to minister to you and grace and peace to surround you. Blessings upon blessings to meet your every need.
ReplyDeletePraying Psalm 31:15 over you right now from afar, Andrew ... 'My times are in your hands'
ReplyDeleteMay there be some beautiful pockets of peace and rest this weekend for you and Barb ...
You nailed it. Dreams make a difference...a single prayer can [make the difference] to the balance for hope. To give. You've done that my friend.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, Andrew! Thank you for all the times you have stopped by my blog and left encouraging words. My prayers and heart go out to you. May God lead you in the way everlasting.
ReplyDeleteNO ONE who comes here would ever hold it against you for giving in and telling Jesus you're ready to go. Andrew, you've absolutely gone above and beyond what anyone ever expected you to do here on the blog and in real life. Your testimony in your words here WILL live on... forever for others to see. God will have someone, somewhere, stumble this way at just the right time to read just the right words they need in that moment. That's how it happened with me. You have given me much to think about, pray about, and use in life as Jerry's wife and caregiver. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for lifting my spirit in moments of frustration and agony. I thank you for showing the ugly side of caregiving, and being cared for, but still getting through it all with God's grace and love and guidance. I thank you for not hiding the struggle of it all that you and Barb have lived through. You have given much to all of us in so many profound ways. You are a warrior, that's for sure. Eventually warriors must rest. You will know when to lay down the sword and take the hand of Jesus. We are covering you in much prayer!
ReplyDeleteI've often thought of the difficulty of living as you and Barbara live: The waiting, the fighting it with all you've got, the hardship, the tough as nails... survival strategy, and much, much more as one endures to the end like in the great human tragedies with laudable endings. I'm so proud of you, and proud of Barbera. You two live with grit and grace intertwined day in and day out. There should be a medal for that! Courage, my friend. The Lord bless you and keep you. Jesus will welcome you with joy as he welcomes you home, and that's not sad, but glad. I can imagine it as blessed and beautiful. I think you will know when the time is right. There will be acceptance and peace ... and a knowing. Trust God with it all. Your beloved will have a new husband, Father God, to protect and keep her. I am facing these same realities with my sweet mother. I'm having to trust her to God's timing and love. He will welcome her home and usher her into his presence. That will be precious. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteYou do indeed encourage others! Every week I'm anxious to read your posts and I'm grateful to see your name in the list. Every week I marvel at your strength and perspective in the midst of your situation. Keep on going and dreaming and inspiring!
ReplyDeleteYou can always do something more to encourage and lift up, Andrew, and you do! I'm certain that is what keeps you going and going--albeit painfully. Thank you for being a constant supporter and friend to me and my blog, Andrew! I truly appreciate your efforts to encourage me, even when you barely can stand the pain. And I know you do this for countless other bloggers who have become your friends, even though we've never met in real life. Someday we will meet in heaven, though. And that will be some grand party we will all get to attend and enjoy! You and Barbara are always in my prayers, dear friend! And I'm grateful for every day and hour the Lord allows you to have beyond your expiration date. I'm just wishing and hoping that it wouldn't be quite so painful.
ReplyDeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeleteThese words are beautiful. I realize you may not see my words to you. But, I just had to say...
Your tenacity in the face of pain (and death) is inspirational. God may be calling and He will take you home when it's time. In the meantime, know that your words have given me courage to face life. Nothing I'm going through compares to yours. You have strength and courage that shines through your words. I will try to pursue the God-given dreams.
Thank you for taking the time in the midst of your pain to write. I know it cannot be easy; but, I believe the Lord is using you.
Peace,