Your Dying Spouse 443 - Barbara on Caregiver Guilt {FMF}

More from Barbara...and here's a picture of her, with her BFF, Bray...

Sick caregiver, guilt is part of the duty.

It's been a difficult week.   We live on 1 1/3 acres and a corner lot. One of our neighbors is a prominent employee of the police department with a military background.   I say this because he's typically doesn't get alarmed about much. But Sunday Andrew collapsed at the drive-in gate.   Our neighbor was on the roof and heard moaning and immediately ran to Andrew's aid.  He was not prepared for Andrew bring up blood & his legs were paralyzed, a daily occurrence we've become accustomed.  (With the high levels of pain,  the nervous system shuts down stops function to non-vital body parts and places the energy to vital body function,  this includes certain brain function.) The neighbor called 911 and got immediate response because of his position.

I was grocery shopping and received a call from the wife,  luckily I was on my way and about 6 miles to the house. Once I arrived,  education of all present commenced.   The neighbor left everything in my capable hands. Thankfully,  I have POA and DNR (power of attorney and do not resuscitate) for situations like this, of course I had to prove it. EMTs helped get Andrew into my truck using a sheet as a sling.  Through the processes Andrew kept passing out for 1-2 minutes,  something I'm accustomed.   Each time I had to win his confidence to know he was safe (PTSD).   I finalized all the necessary paperwork for the EMTs liability,  while they tried to thoughtfully console me.   At this point,  actually it is my job to console them,  they feel helpless since there is nothing they can do.   Transporting Andrew will kill him or leave his body in a state of shock that once at the hospital the health professionals would try to counteract.   Those efforts would only increase Andrew's issues and potentially he would not leave the hospital alive or in a state that I,  his only caregiver, could not handle.

So after 3 hours Andrew could slowly walk on his own with a cane, minimally helping with dog duties.  

The remainder of the week, I had to work long hours arrive home an hour before bedtime duties for Andrew.  Needlessly say,  I did not eat as healthy as my body is accustomed.  So now I have the upper respiratory virus again.  Needless to say caregiving had not been my forte,  and thankfully must things Andrew can still do on his own.

No, the guilt of not caring for his needs never goes away, ever. And Andrew's preferred living conditions makes it impossible for extended family and friends to assist. So how do I now keep guilt at a minimum?   Honestly years & years of practice and I've grieved so much all the way through these almost 16 years that part of me is numb.

I've learned how King David felt for seven days (2 Samuel 12:16-23), except mine has been extended and a harsher reality has been endured. And of course,  why Andrew's condition exists is not an action of our own but another (a botched surgery).   Nonetheless,  the grief have occurred mostly, and deliberate action of survival moves each day to the next. That's not to say,  I still get stressed,  mentally overwhelmed,  and physically exhausted. I do!

Arriving to this point is a gradual process, emotionally painful process, and a faith trying process. The key,  is to allow the depth of grief occur,  don't let others, even health care providers, tell you to buck it up or stop being a martyr.   The loss is real and the weight of duty immense.   In your grief,  you have to ask God all the doubt questions on your heart and mind,  the key is to ask and NOT  dwell.   If you must dwell,  then dwell in the shadow of His Wings and be ministered to by His angels of comfort and peace and quiet and stillness of mind. I'm very blessed that God gave me such refreshment in my sleep. 

Music from Amy Grand and James Taylor, Don't Try So Hard.

If you're interested, you can find Andrew's books on Amazon.