Pain's off the scale, nausea's off the charts, and the dry heaves have me convinced that this is how I shall die, retching uncontrollably, with consciousness fading, and perpetual light dawning.
But in the meantime, it really hurts.
I have been lowered to my hands and knees, trying to catch my breath and wailing, "I can't do this! I wanna go home!"
Ask Barb. She was there. On second thought maybe don't, it's a moment I am sure she'd prefer to forget.
I'd like to say it was pain talking, but that isn't accurate. It was me, all right, the part of me that I used to disdain, and for whom I now have to find a measure of compassion.
It's not easy. I can't strap this Weaker Me to the rack and tell him,"Don't worry about the pain, It's just weakness being forced from the body."
I can't make him do a thousand moral press-ups to build the musculature of fortitude.
Moto sloganeering doesn't work, and he can't comprehend something like "Only in agony's crucible can we find out what God wanted us to be".
He's not that interested in hifalutin' goals. He just wants it to stop. "Love thy neighbour as thyself," he reminds. "Compassion for others is worth little when you don't extend it inward."
Sigh.
I gently shut him back into the basement of my psyche, and return to my world.
The good may die young, but badass lives forever!
But I haven't locked that cellar door, because I know in my heart that badass will one day be broken, and it'll be left for that compassionate, gentle individual to return blinking to the light of day, pick up the shattered remnants of My Strength That Was, and carry them...US...to the Throne of Grace.
August 9 was the 15th anniversary of Barb marrying me, and while courting, I would sing her this song. Here it is, peformed by the great Jo Stafford...You Belong To Me.
Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Dear Lord, Hear Andrew's plea for relief. Thank You that he shares this journey with us with honesty, and even in dire pain and suffering, with some humor. Hold he and Barb close as You comfort them as only You can. Amen
ReplyDeleteDebbie, thank you so much for this lovely prayer. We are so grateful!
DeleteDear Brother Andrew,
ReplyDeleteMy heart grows heavy as the battle becomes even more fierce and bends you in two. I pray for a deep peace for you and Barb (happy anniversary) and also for some alleviation of the pain my friend. You ARE a badass, but sometimes being willing to surrender to true peace someday isn't a bad thing. I hope you know how loved you are. I hope you know how much your words matter. I hope you know how much your life matters and how much of an impact you've had on me and all of us at FMF. And how you love all those four legged creatures that pour their love right back into you. Be upheld in our love and prayers.
janel (viepourcettetemp.wordpress.com)
Janel, we appreciate this comment very, very much - and thankyou for the anniversary wishes! The love and prayerful support from this community has meant more to my heart, and my physical survival, than I can say. I try to make it from one Thursday night to the next!
DeleteMuch love from all of us here, those with four legs and those with only two! :)
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteDon't despise the soft one that has had enough. His tenderness and vulnerability have always been there, hidden by the tough shell that grew from a need to protect.
Look at him with the eyes of the Father who knew he needed to just be loved and accepted for who he was. Barbara didn't fall in love with your bravado, but with the sweet, stubborn romantic man inside with a tender heart.
We love all of you and are continuing to pray. Much love and Happy Anniversary!!! Only two years ahead of us. :)
Love,
Tammy
Tammy, whoa...what? She DIDN'T fall in love with the bravado? And I didn't need the leather vest with the skull embrodered on the back?
DeleteYou're right, of course, and thank you so much for this. I'm learning not to despise that part of me that has had enough, because even the hardest part is reaching his limit.
Thank you for the anniversary wishes, and we ARE kind of caught up...as we divorced in 2003 and remarried in 2004!
Love back, from all of us.
Prayers for you. Happy Anniversary! And God is close. In this place, I read this verse today, and maybe it will be a comfort to you. God sits with you as well. "Rejoice not against me, O Mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
ReplyDeleteSarah, thank you so much for the strengthening Scripture from Micah. This means a lot to me.
DeleteAnd we thank you for the prayers and anniversary wishes!
Andrew, you have been in my prayers. I am so sorry for all of the pain you are going through. Asking that God lighten this load for you. Thank for continually sharing your life with us.
ReplyDeleteBarbie, thank you so much. Your prayers truly mean the world to me; without the prayers of my friends I would be lost.
DeleteFather in Heaven, Thank You for blessing Andrew and Barbara with 15 years of love! They belong to each other, but together they belong to You first and foremost. Surround Andrew with Your loving arms, bring him peace and relief, guide him through those dark corridors to Your everlasting Light. Put Your Loving Arms around Barbara, give her strength and comfort as she cares for Andrew. God, we know they may bend with the burden of everything they face, but we rejoice that You will always be present in their suffering. We pray this in Jesus' precious Name. Amen!
ReplyDeleteMuch love and many more prayers for you guys! Happy Anniversary!
To God be the Glory!
Diana, we are so thankful for this lovely, loving prayer. Words fail me, except to say, again, thank you.
DeleteAnd yes, to Him the Glory, always!
Andrew, Happy Anniversary. Hard way to celebrate, but 15 years! That's a testimony. You two have lived "For better and for worse" and you inspire so many.
ReplyDeleteAs I read this post, I kept thinking about the two sides. You've got a toughness I've never met in anyone, and yet, it's tempered by the encouraging, caring side of you. Both of these aspects of you give you strength. It's the side of you that has enabled you to impact so many lives. Mr Badass gives some physical determination, but Mr Tender draws people closer to the Lord in ways no one else can.
I truly am beyond sorry for the pain and everything else you're walking through. I'm continuing to pray for you and Barb, my friend.
P.S. What a beautiful song for you to sing to your Love.
Jeanne, thank you so much for the anniversary wishes. It has been quite a hard way to celebrate it, but we'll take it, nohow!
DeleteI really appreciate the way you defined the different aspects of the division that I have presented. Badass can be vital, but he can only go so far...and then Tender has to carry him, and thereby show the Lord's mercy made manifest in flesh. A lesson it took me a long time to learn.
We truly appreciate your prayers...and I am so glad you liked the song. There is a story there, and I will one day tell it.
Father God, I lift up Andrew to you. He's in pain. He's exhausted. He needs you and your comfort more than ever. Please draw close to him and his wife. In Jesus' name, Amen.
ReplyDeleteAnita, thank you so much for this prayer...and you're dead right. I'm exhausted, I'm hurting, and I'm scared.
DeleteAndrew, working backwards, that song "you belong to me" really hit me in the feels for some reason; thanks for sharing it. I am praying for you and grateful that Five Minute Friday brought us together. <3
ReplyDeletePaula, the song has a special meaning, and soon...perhaps in the next FMF post...I will tell the 'story of us'. It's quite a ride.
DeleteI'm so glad to know you, and we're so very, very grateful for you prayers.
For better for worse...in sickness and in health. The two of you are role models. Your names are constant in our home and hearts. Prayers for relief and peace. So much love...
ReplyDeleteSusan, we are honoured beyond what we can say. Thank you so much. Words fail me, but tears are taking their place as I type.
DeleteI remember one time our entire family had a wretched stomach virus. One of the littles started first, but then the second son wretched so violently I'm sure the neighbors heard him. The oldest mocked him, thinking he was just being a drama king. About 3 hours later, the oldest son walked into our bathroom and began wretching, with an "it's my turn attitude, but I'm not going to be a drama king about this." About 3 hours into it, the neighbors probably heard him, too. I'd say he'd managed to swallow some humble pie that night (By the time I'd got it, I'd picked up a prescription for nausea so the baby and I didn't spend hours retching so the neighbors could hear). I understand that compassion born moment - you handle it with wonderful wry humor - that's a gift you have. Happy Anniversary! Aug. 9 is my birthday- August 13 is my anniversary! Thank you for always using your storytelling gift about how to live courageous in mortal battle! Your story shows me how to give myself and others grace in the very hard! Bless you, Andrew! You are in my prayers! ~ Maryleigh
ReplyDeleteMaryleigh, thank you so much for sharing this! We don't have close neighbours, but they have heard me...and have come to my aid when I was outside and the retching started. I had a couple of Mexican labourers who live in a trailer in the next field carry me gently to the house one day...and then another day. They always drive by very slowly, to see if I'm OK.
DeleteAnd a belated Happy Birthday to you...and a one-day-premature Happy Anniversary! (Barb and I were divorced in 2003 after our Aug. 9 2002 wedding, and remarried in 2004...on her birthday.)
Many, many thanks for the prayers. They are needed.
Oops! retched - I misspelled most of the way through!
ReplyDeleteNo worries about mis-spelling, Maryleigh. I do it all the tyme.
DeleteHappy anniversary, Andrew and Barb! Sorry to hear that you had to celebrate it in such pain. Lots of strength and always a glimpse of "home" in front of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Katha. It was a hard way to celebrate an anniversary, but being HERE to celebrate is pretty good.
DeleteHome is indeed waiting.
Praying. Asking for comfort for you. I don't know you, but I'm praying for you and several others who are battling this thing I hate... The c word, I won't give it a voice by speaking it's ugly name.
ReplyDeletePraying for an overwhelming blanket of grace and peace from Holy Spirit to wrap you in a cocoon... swaddle you like a baby held close to Father's heart.
Lisa, thank you so much for your prayers. I don't like giving the Thing a name either. The c word...little 'c'...works for us.
DeleteI love the image of a baby held close to Father's heart, and as I write this...that's what I need most. Thank you.
Lord, may Andrew and Barb find a comforting place under your weeks. Touch Andrew's body, Lord, give him relief and strength. Meet him and Barb where they are and may they feel your closeness, love, comfort, mercy, strength, and grace.
ReplyDeleteSue, thank you so much for this lovely and heartfelt prayer...we truly appreciate it. And we need it, more than we can say.
Deleteoops that was supposed to be "under your wings" not weeks, but I'm sure God knew what I meant. LOL ;-) Continued thoughts and prayers.
DeleteSue
~ https://suewmil.wordpress.com/
Andrew... You & Barb & the dogs are in our prayers. Love you & your courage - thank you for including us in this journey.
ReplyDeleteAnnie, thank YOU for coming along with us. We truly appreciate your company, your stalwart cheerful heart, and your prayers.
DeleteThank you for your transparency, Andrew. I'm so sorry for the crushing circumstances you face. Please know your story encourages others. Praying for peace that passes understanding.
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you for this. The blog can be really hard to write, and knowing that it may be of help to others, that makes it all worthwhile.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers!
Congratulations on your anniversary! I'm so sorry for all the pain you are enduring but thank you for sharing the journey with us. Praying for you and Barb.
ReplyDeleteLesley, thank you so much for the anniversary wishes...we truly appreciate it! And we are so grateful for your companionship on this journey, and for your prayers.
DeleteI am in awe at your strength. I have a teeny tiny bit of pain and it really takes my thoughts in strange places. Your place is sure.
ReplyDeleteBusyB, I'm praying, right now, for your pain to be relieved. It can never be comparative, and pain simply hurts.
DeleteAnd yeah, pain does take your thoughts to strange places. For awhile I apparently really thought that Barbara was Elvis (yes, THAT Elvis).
Thanks so much for being here!
I thought of this verse as I read your post:
ReplyDelete2 Corinthians 12 9But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. 10That is why, for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Lord Jesus have mercy on our friend and brother in Christ. And strength for his dear wife Barb as she watches him suffer.
Christy, that is a wonderful Scripture. Thank you so much!
DeleteWe truly appreciate your prayers. Barb, especially, because it harder to watch the hurting.
May God have mercy and take you to that wonderful place. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, thank you. It is getting on for time be going Home.
DeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeleteI am praying. Our heavenly Father knows exactly the place you are in and He is not just watching. He is holding you, He is loving you, He is thinking of when you are going to say it was worth it and it most certainly may not be today. I am not at the place where I can say I would do it all again. NOPE. Not there! Thank you for being here. Oftentimes writing saves me. #57 this week.
Mary, I so appreciate your prayers. And yes, He is holding me.
DeleteAnd I will say now, it was and is worth it, because of the love and community I have found here, and for the ability to see clearly how compassion can only spread under the wings of pain.
I'm looking forward to reading your post. It may be a couple of days; I'm not in good shape here.
Oh Andrew, you, my friend, have been such a trooper. I know you are growing weary. "Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest." Preying for God to bring you comfort and rest. Love you brother!
ReplyDeleteTara, yes...I am very tired, and it's getting to be that time to go unto Him for that rest and refreshment He promises.
DeleteBut not quite yet. Miles to go before I sleep. promises to keep.
Thanks for the prayers, and love back, from all of us.
It is always good to read your posts, Andrew - but I am so sorry you have to go through this. Yes, the platitudes must wear pretty thin by now. Praying for release from this pain in God's time.
ReplyDeleteJeannie, thank you...and yes, the platitudes are a bit shopworn. I do look forward to that release, but there are a few things to finish first. With God's strength, and by His grace.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers!
Dear Heavenly Father,
ReplyDeleteI ask that you be with Andrew and Barb. Please give Andrew comfort, and help Andrew to know that you are near. Please strengthen Andrew, and give him rest. Please give Andrew and Barb peace from You. In Jesus name, Amen
Congratulations on your 15th Wedding Anniversary! Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us.
Mom to 3, thank you so much for the prayer! We're deeply moved, and honoured. We do need His peace.
DeleteAnd thank YOU for being our companions on this journey. Not the road we might want, but merry company lightens every load.
And a special thank-you for the Anniversary wishes!
We share an anniversary! I've got a few years on y'all tho...Jeff & I celebrated our 31st. ��
ReplyDeletePraying for some relief, Andrew.
Happy Anniversary Lynette!!!!!
DeleteBut I bet we have more anniversaries than you do...with a marriage in 2002, a divorce in 2003, and remarriage in 2004, we have TWO anniversaries to celebrate.
And thank you so much for the prayers.
Ha!!! Yep, y'all have me beat. Much love to ya, friend.
DeleteOh man, Andrew, so, so tough :( thinking of you as you battle the physical and emotional pain right now. My grandma is saying that she wants to go home a lot now... the pain and indignities are just getting a bit too much for her to handle... such an awful position to be in.
ReplyDeleteEmma, your grandma's got it spot-on. The pain and indignities can get to be too much for anyone. We can only go so far.
DeleteYou, and your grandma, are in my most fervent prayers. You've been such a faithful friend, and I hope that I may grieve for and with you?
Just finished praying for you, Andrew. I do hope you feel better, though I know that's not likely. Just hoping you feel our love for love for you and your ministry. You have blessed us so much!
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you for the prayers, and they were needed. In the parlance of the millennials, today, and particularly this evening, SUCKED. Big time.
DeleteI do feel the love, Beth. It's what keeps me going. A thread in a tapestry may break, but those around it keep it in place. That's me.
Andrew, one day we will meet in the hereafter. I look forward to that! Until then, know that though we've never met, we are brother and sister in Christ--and you are in my prayers even as I write these words. May our faithful, loving father grant you moments of clarity and comfort even as He ushers you with love to the gates of our heavenly home. Congratulations to you and Barbara and 15 years of living and loving. May God comfort her as well and give her peace.
ReplyDeleteSuan, yes, we are siblings in Christ, and I am so honoured that such is the case!
DeleteWe truly appreciate your prayers, and your anniversary blessing. Seeing someone you love slowly die is the hardest thing, and Barb really needs the prayers.
Big time.
Hey Brother its Janel Again
ReplyDeletejust reading through all the comments of love, encouragement and prayer and I've got tears running down my cheeks. You two and the dogs are so loved. And the comments every week and on social media speak to me of this relationship that we all have with you guys. My heart is so heavy at the thought that crossing over may be nearer than anyone hopes...but I also don't wish this excruciating for all of you. Hold on as long as you must friend, but don't beat up the softer you. He is fighting in his own way. Janel
(viepourcettetemp.wordpress.com
Janel, I wrote replies to these lovely comments on the last of my pain med reserves, and through a veil of tears, yeah.
DeleteI have been so blessed, and with whatever strength is left in me I hope I can witness to the love I've received, from my wife, from this community, and from the Almighty.
The rest will come soon. Meanwhile, I'll be here.
Doesn't sound like a great way to celebrate an anniversary, but I'm glad you've got each other. Of course I'll keep praying for you. Thanks for being an inspiration to us.
ReplyDeleteJan, in a way it was the best way, because we knew that we were both there, and it could easily have been otherwise.
DeleteIt was low-key. A gentle kiss - hugs hurt me too much now - and the words, "I'm glad you're mine!"
Thank you for being our faithful and stalwart companion.
Marie, thank you! And my life is also much richer for knowing YOU. I'm also smarter for that, and hopefully more nuanced, and no less badass.
ReplyDeleteYou're always in my prayers, and the song makes me cry, too. There's a story there, and I will tell it for the next FMF post.
Sending love, grace, peace, divine pain relief, angels to minister to you. Rest in Him, Andrew. Blessings according to your needs!
ReplyDeleteMari-Anna, thank you so much! God is near; I do feel His Presence.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Andrew, for the real and the raw. I'm sorry that it's especially hard right now. Praying for rest and relief.
ReplyDeleteMichele, thank you for this, for being here, and most especially for the prayers. They do help.
DeleteA belated Happy Anniversary to you both! Congratulations on 15 years! Thank you for your example of love for better for worse, in sickness and in health.
ReplyDeleteRachel, thank you so much for this! You are always in our prayers.
Delete