Your Dying Spouse 357 - A Fine Sense Of Abandon {FMF}

And, yeah, another personal worst last night. My screaming brought poor Barb running, and she stayed by my side until the spasms in my gut passed. She said I was screaming loud enough to wake the dead, or at least our not-close neighbours.

And she had to go to work today. She wonders how long I can keep going.

I, in turn, wondered "How much more will I have to give up? What's the final cost here gonna be?"

The answer is, everything. (And yes, this is Five Minute Friday. The prompt is neighbour. It's in the first paragraph.)

We give everything, especially our hearts, to Jesus, and in return we gain a kingdom.

Thing is, if Someone hands you a kingdom, you've really got to take hold of it with both hands. It would kind of hurt if you let it slip, and a whole complete kingdom landed on your little toe.

And embarrassing. Imagine all those angels laughing.

So we have to come to Him empty handed. We have to let go of the things we would most like to keep hold of, and trust Him when He says that nothing good will be lost.

We can let go. He's got this.

But what are we really releasing? I think it's our sense of control. The nagging back-of-the-mind thought that, well, just in case God's busy elsewhere, we' better fill His shoes.

So we worry about our spouses and our health, our children and our parents and our dogs (my hand raised, here!) and the hobbies we love.

We worry about our ministries and our friends and our jobs.

And did my daughter really just get a nose-piercing???

I believe that God wants us to let go the control, and live with a sense of the abandon that it implies. You can't undo the piercing (is that a BONE through your nose, young lady?) and you can't worry yourself to health.

You do your best, but after your due diligence, you've got to let God handle things.

And no looking over His shoulder, either.

It's easier for me, I think; it becomes ever-clearer that I'm not going to see the golden years of retirement (and just as well, I'm not made for that stuff). My hands are being forced open by circumstance...I have to let go of so many things.

I have to let go of the books I'll never finish writing...and I can. Instead of "I've got to get this into the world!" I figure, well, God read it already, He knows how it'll end, and He's the reviewer I want to please anyway.

I have to let go of the aeroplane whose parts surround me. In the past I imagined it complete, and imagined the thrill of flying it...but now the greater thrill is in the completion of one more bracket, one more rib, as an end in itself...and a worthwhile one, because Jesus, after all, was a craftsman of wood before He turned to crafting Salvation.

I have to hope my wife will meet a good man, and soon, and find love that will help her ride through the sorrow.

I hope the dogs will, in that man, find a kind and loving friend.

And so on.

I know now that I could never control a desired ending...and in letting go of control I am finding that, like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes.

I can love Barbara more, love the dogs more, by putting into God's hands what's best for them.

I can't be their Saviour; Someone Else already has that job.

And He is pretty good at it.

The musical accompaniment today is inspired by by friend (and FMF colleague) Leigh and her wonderful blog, Tokens of Goodness.

Aside from a wonderful sense of faith and brilliant writing, she's also got a picture of one my favourite singers, who will now perform for us...

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 356 - Back In The High Life Again

This was supposed to be a post on what can happen when parents or in-laws want to be part of the caregiving team for one's spouse. I even have a cool title picked out - Dueling Caregivers.

Alas, I'm way to ill to make that happen at the moment, so this will have to do. It'll be pretty short.

This wasn't where I expected to be, at this point in life.

I went to the trouble of getting a doctorate in structural engineering, thinking I'd be teaching into those golden autumn years, surrounded by respectful students and admired by my...

Aw, crap. I can't go on. I'm laughing too hard.

I mean, seriously, what did I expect? A peaceful end? I'm a fighter, not a lover, and war is in my DNA.

I was made for this place, this time, this role, and this witness.

Can you imagine me as a white-haired grandfatherly type, sage and serene?

Sorry, just cracked up. Laughing hurts but it's fun...and I am back in the high life again.

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 355 - Feel Free To Dance

This evening, after a bad weekend leading to a thoroughly miserable last few hours, I said to Barbara, "This does not feel survivable."

"It's not," she replied.

A few minutes later I ran out the front door and threw up in the yard, much to the horror of Denali The Happy Husky, who thought I was about to throw up on her.

And then I danced. Moved to the rhythm of a tango playing in my head.

I mean, why not?

Should I really double up in pain and self-pity, moaning about circumstance and beseeching God to help me?

Yes, I ask for His help, and He's giving it.

He's putting music in my head, and leading me in the dance. (That feels really weird for a dude to say.)

And moaning about my fate? Aslong as I can dance with God, how have I NOT got it made?

Here's the music; it's by Richard Rodgers, from the score to Victory At Sea. I'm sure you'll recognize it.

And feel free to dance!

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 354 - Freedom...From Pain {FMF}

Pain is a subject I find myself revisiting, because it keeps getting worse...and finding new ways to strike, keeping me off-balance. (And this is my offering for Five Minute Friday, written ahead of time, by necessity.)

It can be hard to deal with; a cliff that can't be climbed, or perhaps a precipice above an abyss.

There are some good resources out there, that offer genuine help. C.S. Lewis wrote The Problem Of Pain, a theological look at why pain has been allowed to enter our world...and he does not shrink from considering the pain that animals suffer, not dismissing that question with "well, they're just dumb animals." A masterful book.

Kara Tippetts offers some insight into the pain that medication can incur in a good cause, here. Reading kara's words from 'beyond' always make me tear up. How I wish I might have met her!

And then there's me; I'm not a learned evaluator of literature and theology like Clives Staples lewis, and I don't have Kara's ability to connect the mundane with the transcendent (hence, I guess the title of her blog, Mundane Faithfulness).

So I have to try to figure this out with a head that has occasionally been used as a hammer (not kidding; I used to use the back of my head to drive in wooden wedges when truing up concrete formwork).

So many of you have prayed that I get freedom from pain, and recently, I realized that it's happened. It just needs an extra comma.

Freedom, from pain.

On January 6, 1941, Franklin Roosevelt gave a State Of The Union speech in which he articulated four basic human rights, to shine as a beacon in a world stumbling toward global war. These 'four freedoms' were later immortalized by Norman Rockwell in a quartet of paintings.

Source

So I guess this is a good place to begin, about how pain has set me free.

Going clockwise from the upper left in the picture, let's start with Freedom Of Speech.

I can tlk about anything now; it took a long time, but I've come to realize that talking about incontience and someof the other issues that come with terminal illness doesn't take away my dignity. It's tempting to stretch it and say that the willingness to talk actually enhances dignity, but that's ego and let's not go there. Just saying I'm free, now...that's enough.

And I'm free not to speak. Talking is hard and painful and tiring, and I weigh what I'm thinking of saying, these days. And there is o much that can be left unsaid! So many words were spent to erase I quiet that I had feared, but now, instead of erasing, I embrace the silence.

Freedom Of Worship...well, God's certainly become a larger part of my life...the dominant part, actually. But that's not what this means. The freedom I have gained is the ability to drop both tradition and legalism, and to relate to God in a Scripturally true sense. And not 'all of Scripture'; I don't have time toreconcile the Old and New testaments. God loves me, He came to Earth to live as a man and be killed to pay my sin-debt...and when I accept that, it's all I need to know.

And I'm not afraid, so pain has given me Freedom From Fear. I'll hold this distinct from not fearing death, because that's implicit in Freedom Of Worship. Rather, the things I might have feared...more pain, more humiliation, more loss of independence...require too much imagination to consider. It simply hurts too much to live in the future. Pain pegs me to the moment, and I need not consider what's coming. Dealing with what's here is enough.

And finally, the most liberating of all...Freedom From Want. I'll have to confess that I'm going to be creative...instead of reading 'want' as 'lack' (as the speech and painting define it), I'm choosing to say...I don't want stuff.

I was pretty materialistic for long periods of my life. I wanted a Ferrari (sat in one, once), and cool firearms (did that), and a lot of messing about with aeroplanes (got someof that). I also wanted 9and, yeah, still do) a tank. Now I live where I can drive one, and the neighbours will be if not pleased, at least tolerantly amazed.

On the whole, though, I have what I need. I don't need to spend energy wanting. I can just enjoy what's here. and let the rest of it go.

Except the tank. Still want that. An M18 Hellcat tank destroyer, to be precise...WW2's fasted thing on treads.

Illness has narrowed my life, so I have little and need less...but pain has broadened my heart.

What I want. most of all, is to feel compassion for those who lack the things I may take for granted...a roof over my head, good food, clean water, and love.

Having that compassion, I am rich beyond measure. There's no want here.

But I'd still like to have that M18...

I'm tempted to use "Tanks For The Memories" as the musical theme, but that's really too awful a pun.

So how about WHAM!, with Freedom? It's a fun, engaging video, filmed when WHAM! was the first Western pop group to perform in China. I hope you'll like it.

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 353 - Groundhog Day

Remember the movie Groundhog Day, in which Bill Murray relived the same day, over and over? (Another take on this is found in the 2011 film Source Code, which I highly recommend.)

This is what life can be like for a terminally ill patient and his or her caregiving spouse.

The days seem to blur together, a swirl of assistance and medication and work (for the caregiver in the workforce) and trying to keep some kind of life-focus (for the homebound patient).

It can be exhausting for all concerned, and the source for a lot of frustration. It can be soul-wearying in the extreme, because it feels like life is slipping away, sucked into a black vortex of illness and medication schedules and doctor visits.

What to do?

The first thing is to try to differentiate the days. If going to church is impossible, designate Sunday morning the time for 'church TV', and hold to it. Even Joel osteen has something to say to the terminally ill.

For other days, try to have things like 'board game night', 'movie night', and 'pizza night', if the patient can still stomach even a little bit of that mircle food.

And, yes, if it's possible, 'sex night'. I won't be specific, but sexual activity can mke a patient - and caregiver - feel both connected and, at least for a little while, part of the normal world. There are many options; put aside prejudice, and do some research. It's importnt.

Next, dress for the day. Pajamas may seem the most comfortable for the patient 9and for the caregiver on non-work-days), but in the long run they are a bad idea. on't go business-formal., but upon rising put on clothes that will allow a walk or drive in public. And no bathroom slippers. Get some comfortable cross-trainers, or desert boots (thanks, Susan and Christy!).

Avoid the medical we, as in "How are we feeling today?" It robs the patient of individuality, and sets the caregiving spouse at a 'professional remove'. bad idea.

Look forward to something. If the patient cn still get out, plan on seeing an upcoming movie...or, if homebound, look for the release date on Netflix of Redbox, and make a date night around it.

Start new traditions...like, maybe, poker night, if your terminally ill wife is an inveterate gambler? Or quilting Saturday, for the cancer-fighting husband who has discovered a love for the oft and gentle? (Any resemblance to the author and his wife are purely coincidental. Or not.)

Whatever you choose, the caregiver has to take the lead. The patient-pouse already feels like a burden (trut me!) and asking for anything special can be really, really hard.

For some appropriate musical accompaniment, there's no one like Mick and the gang...

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 352 - Death And Charlottesville

The weekend was a personal-best (?) crappy, so this will be short (it's also late, and I am sorry).

There's a definite connexion between recent events in Charlottesville and terminal illness. In both, things are made worse by anger and resentment.

The only thing that replaces anger is love.

But then, the Fab Four knew this when they wrote Revolution. The last verse says it all:

You say you'll change the Constitution,

well, you know...

we'd all love to change your head.

You tell me it's the institution,

well, you know...

you better free your mind instead...

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 351 - This Will All Be Over Soon {FMF}

This is another FMF post that almost wasn't written.

Last night I went out to look at the sunset, and couldn't get back to the house. My pancreas went into spasm, and the pain prevented me from moving. I just stood there, to weak even to call for help.

Fortunately Barb was home, and she was able to help me back to shelter. Baby steps, and each one like a dagger.

She was sad. I used to be able to run, to hike, to climb to build. And now this.

It's been a long fall, and it's going to get worse.

But I am surprised to find that I have no need for sadness. Surprised, because I've lost so much...shouldn't I mourn?

No, I shouldn't.

First, I'm grateful for the life I've had. I have a wonderfully loving and supportive wife, who is patient with all of the necessary accommodations that terminal illness requires. She wishes she could do more, but she does everything she can.

My friends - you guys, reading this - have been both support and inspiration. Your prayers and help have meant more to me than I can ever say.

My dreams have generally not come true, but better things have happened. I wanted to have a life of flying, and got some of that, but more was sacrificed to keep a large group of dogs healthy, happy, and safe. Welive near an airfield, and I look up daily to watch the aeroplanes overhead, but am brought back to what has truly mattered by cold noses and wagging tails. Aeroplanes can't love you back; dogs can.

I've had some influence through writing, with a couple of novels, a couple of short non-fiction books, and this blog. People have written and said that my words helped them, people from all over the world. I am so grateful to have had that opportunity, even if my slow death has been an integral part of what I've written.

The days are good, even with pain and nausea and other stuff. I can;t focus on reading as much, but I find comfort in re-reading books I've loved...and we have a local library that has a good collection of VDs. Can't watch fore than 20-30 minutes at a time because, again, I lose focus. But right now I am working my way through the remake of Ben-Hur, and savouring it. (Better than the original, in my view.)

And occasionally I can take hacksaw to metal and fabricate one more part for the aeroplane upon which I have not given up. One part, yes, but that's one part less to build.

I'm too busy enjoying life to be sad.

And perhaps the happiest thing is the hope and the knowing, inside my heart, that there is someone out there who will step into my shoes and into Barbara's heart, a good Christian man who will help her walk through the sorrow, and who will love our canine family.

And who will help her feel love and hope again.

And I hope I meet him before I die.

It seems that this will all be over soon; I will have to step away from the blog (but not FMF!) to try to put it into some coherence so that others may benefit from it an an e-book.

And then, it will be time to say Goodbye.

But not today. Not quite yet.

So...music! How about the Fab Four and the original video of Yellow Submarine?

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.