Your Dying Spouse 339 - Revelation and Forgiveness

My fatal illness was not an accident of nature, nor a judgement or test sent by the Almighty.

It was done to me. Not deliberately, but through negligence.

(And this is my post for Five Minute Friday, being written, necessarily, ahead of time. I will try to work in the keyword when it is given.)

(It's COLLECT.)

Many years ago (I won't say when or where) I had abdominal surgery, which was done laparoscopically and should have been routine. An overnight stay in hospital, and I was out.

Recovery wasn't routine. There was a lot of pain, and I went back to see the surgeon.

This individual (I won't specify gender) didn't think much of my complaint, inferring that I was a hypochondriac, and left the exam room.

Three hours later the receptionist opened the door and asked exactly what I was still doing there, as the office was closing. The surgeon had left to play golf.

So I went home, and toughed it out. Barbara and I were due to move to a new home, and I was to drive a u-haul loaded with aeroplane parts on that 14-hour road trip.

When we got to where we were going, Barb had to carry me from the truck to the house.

An ER trip led to an appointment with a gastroenterologist, and he was horrified at what had happened. After several ERCPs (they stick a flexible fiberoptic telescope down your throat into your gut and look around) and CAT scans, he told me that I had been leaking bile into my abdomen, had cold sepsis, and that my pancreatic duct was damaged. He was kind of surprised that I was still alive.

He referred me to the Mayo Clinic, and they tried a procedure that had a mortality rate of 70%' worth a shot, eh?

But it didn't work, and I was told that there was nothing that could be done. Pancreatic cancer was going to be my fate, if acute or chronic pancreatitis didn't kill me first. It would be highly unpleasant.

And here we are.

For years I carried a load of hate in my heart, directed - understandably, I hope - at the original surgeon.

I wanted, in the worst way (there are a few meanings to that phrase) to personally introduce that individual to the devil, for it was there that I was sure that was where the road lay.

Every time my right leg gave way (the head of the pancreas is on the right side of the upper abdomen, and refers pain with a kind of unholy glee), I imagined gory medieval scenes in which the surgeon was the principal.

The interest I collected on my investment in hate didn't make me a lot of fun to be around.

And then...I remembered an old adage which has served me well. Hatred had driven it out of mind.

Never ascribe to malice that which can as easily be explained by stupidity or incompetence.

I was being grossly unfair. The surgeon didn't want to kill me, or make me sick. This individual was simply going off a body of experience and literature references, and made a judgement that was very wrong.

Oops. But that's all it was. Just, oops.

And I was left holding a bag whose bottom had been burnt out by the acid from my own heart.

Forgiveness does not come easy, because in this case, forgiveness is not required.

It was a mistake. There's nothing to forgive, or hold in hatred.

It was unfortunate, and that's all.

It's frustrating. A part of me wants to hate, and a part of me wants to feel oh-so-Godly and forgive, but neither is an acceptable posture.

So wat IS the acceptable posture?

LET IT GO.

And move on. Sure it's unfortunate, sure it's unfair, but so what?

Is hate going to make anything better?

Is feeling righteous in setting aside wrath for forgiveness going to make me a better person...or just someone who thinks so highly of himself that he can't see that mistakes happen, bad things happen, and the only real way to deal with them is with a smile, and a firm resolve to look ahead, however close the horizon of life has become?

Time to let go.

And let God.

Time for some cheerfully high-spirited and fun music from Guster, with Do You Love Me?

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.