But I'm not up to writing that. I'm sorry.
Instead, it's perhaps appropriate for the caregiver to consider this...that your dying spouse is actually running for his or her life, using mental techniques and sometimes physical ones to keep the reality of dying at bay.
It's easy to dismiss this as denial, but I think there's something deeper involved...the desire to leap over that wall of one's own death and to continue living in the world.
For the unbeliever, I suppose it's a desperate grab at immortality...but believers do this, too.
I think it' more about not wanting to say goodbye. I know that's true for me.
As the caregiver, what should you do? If you go along with this kind of thing, are you enabling a fantasy? Are you making it easier to shy away from the end-of-life decisions and stock-taking that really need to be made?
Yes and yes. And it's something you should do. (Within limits...if the 'planning for a future that ain't gonna happen' involves large expenditures of money or the making of plans that can never be implemented, yeah, don't go along with that!)
But the point is that death's going to come, regardless...and personally (and selfishly) I have no desire to go through my books and tools and portion them out to appropriate recipients.
I should do it, I know...but it's going to get me really, really depressed (kind of depressed writing about it!), and I think that might be worse for Barbara than leaving her holding the baby, so to speak.
So I'll continue, as strength permits, to build parts for an aeroplane I'll never finish, let alone fly...and I'll plan to see the next Avengers movie when it comes out...and the one after that.
So now, let's change the mood...here's Boy George and Culture Club to the rescue!
Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
I've often felt this is what my hubby Jerry is doing... he goes through such awful times with his medical issues, and then *poof* he's okay for a while. I cannot explain how I struggle myself seeing this going on with him. And it's been going on for nigh on two decades now. Times I thought he just wanted to give up... but then he did "run for his life." We both know he'll never be as he once was, but he keeps going. It's hard to watch the person you love so much living in such pain, all the while it seems at such slow-motion speed which makes it worse. Am I seeing him get better? Wait, no, he's getting worse. Thank goodness we have a God Who is bigger than anything we go through!
ReplyDelete(Did any of this make sense or was I just rambling? Ha!)
Our prayers include you and Barbara and those doggies every day. Blessings to all of you.
Diana, this made perfect sense, and I suspect that Barbara would describe things just this way as well.
DeleteI count it as my good fortune that I'm conditioned never to give up, but I know that this makes it hard for Barbara at time. I'll keep going long past where I should curl up into a ball and wait to feel a bit less awful, and it does hurt her.
We thank you so much for your prayers, all of us...and you and Jerry are in ours.
Andrew. I don't know you. I really enjoy your writing. I care. I look forward to meeting you in heaven one day. Along with many many others. It's going to be great! See you then. Anne ps. I also have ptsd. I was in the military and was injured. Don't really want to elaborate. Jesus is the man.
ReplyDeleteAnne, thank you so much for being here, and for commenting. It will be great to meet you one day.
DeleteFor what it's worth, I started doing a lot better with PTSD when I realized that it wasn't a deficiency; I had been 'tuned' to a higher level of performance that no civilian could ever reach, and the manifestations in daily life were a result of the world being the wrong one for me...and not vice versa.
God bless, and He is indeed The Man!
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteJesus did say "occupy till I come." He doesn't want us to just stop planning what we can plan. Live your life to the fullest (in whatever capacity you're able) till he comes to get you. I am a caregiver, not for my dying spouse (well, that can be debated), so the points you make are quite valuable to me. Leaping over a wall as opposed to denial, hmm, perseverance, give it all ya got while ya here. We can all learn that lesson! Thanks and I love the music!We are all chameleons more times than we want to admit.
Mary, you're so right, and thank you for bringing this..."occupy till I come".
DeleteAnd yes, give it all you have while you're here...because you're giving to others who are heartened by your example. Brilliant, Mary!
I am so glad you're here, and SO glad you liked the music...one of my very favourites!
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI admire how much you give it your all...even to the point of keeping us all involved. I can only imagine the strength of heart and will that it takes.
Thank you so much for allowing us to be a part of your life...lifting you and Barb up to the Father, and learning so much about our own lives in the process!
Praying for you every day, friend!
Pat, thank you so much...your words mean a great deal to me, and your company along this road heartens me in ways that I cannot even describe.
DeleteWe do nothing alone...we are first aided by God, and by His Hands made manifest in this world.
People like you, Pat. I am so blessed.
When my mother was dying of cancer, my father did not tell us she had only 3 months to live. I was shocked when her time came so soon. I think it was unkind for him to withhold this information. I think truth helps one to deal with what is, sometimes. I believe denial happens when someone is gypped of the facts and does not get answers to their questions. If someone has time to cherish their loved one before the final curtain, they should do it with all their heart and soul.
ReplyDeleteSophia, your father was in a hard place...but I do agree with you. You, as children, needed to see the reality.
DeleteI practice denial all the time, in my heart and actions...but there is really no escaping the imminent death that awaits me. Especially after a day like today was.
And I do make sure that my wife knows how much I love and appreciate her, every day...because you're right...
One day, there will be no tomorrow.