When you're a caregiver for your spouse, people want to help. Usually, they try to help with encouraging words.
And sometimes they choose the wrong ones. Please understand that the sample comments listed below are presented with no intention of disrespect. They were just the wrong thing said at the wrong time.
"God is testing you." - Gee, I hope He grades on a curve!
"This must be bringing you closer together." - Yes, wiping someone's back end will do that.
"One day you'll see that this has been a blessing." - More blessing like this I don't need.
"God is on your side." - If this is God being with me, I'd hate to piss Him off.
"Just fall into Jesus' arms." - How do I do that when I've got to stand up for my mate 24/7?
"I'll bet you're glad you have insurance." - Want to see my credit card bills?
"If you prayed harder you'd have a healing." - And if I prayed harder I'd need knee replacement.
"Why don't you get rid of your pets so you can concentrate on the person who means the most?" - Sometimes the dogs are the only thing that keeps us sane.
"I know a faith healer..." - You think we haven't TRIED that?
"I know someone who can cast out demons..." - Thanks, but, uh...no. Bring that to my spouse and the demons won't be the first thing cast out.
In replying, you've got to remember that the speaker means well. It's just that they've got no filter in this situation, and they're telling you what they imagine they'd like to hear. You can't be mad at someone who's living in an echo chamber and doesn't realize it. (Well, you CAN, but it's not productive.)
Another thing you've got to keep in mind is that there's no use arguing. The comment that you can't abide comes from a place of sincerity, and if you speak in opposition, you'll just force a defence. And you may hurt the feelings of someone who really does care.
What's the best thing to say? In my experience...
"Thanks so much for caring, and I'll think about what you said."
What sort of unsuitable remarks have you heard? What kind of reply do you think is best?
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update...he's probably going to be moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
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Oh yes! I'm sure you and Barbara hear a lot of well-intentioned but painful things all the time. I'm sure that I've said some things that were hard to receive, especially when you're in the trenches and want so desperately for things to be different for yourself and for Barbara. It's an easy thing for those of us "on the outside" to do since we've not walked where you and Barbara must walk. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for any untrue or hurtful things I've said. And I do hope that through your wise and honest posts people learn how to respond more graciously and with greater sensitivity! Prayers being lifted for Barbara's recent sickness. It must make things SO much harder in your situation.
ReplyDeleteBeth, please forgive my delayed reply...and please know that you've never said anything that was hard to hear. You've challenged me, yes, but that's what I would expect from a stalwart friend.
DeleteThe prayers for Barb are appreciated; she's getting better but the effects do linger.
It's always good to read posts like this so we can all learn what helps and what hurts. Thanks for sharing these with us, Andrew. I'm sure I could add to the list of other stupid things I've said myself to people in pain. Ignorance is only an excuse for so long; when we have opportunity to learn and change, we should. Blessings and grace to you.
ReplyDeleteLisa, thank you! This was a hard post to write, and one that I put off for a while because the things that are said are always said with a good heart...and I didn't want to obscure that.
DeleteOh my. Lord have mercy. Trite, pat answers can be so discouraging. Thank you for pointing out these common remarks that only drain more energy away from already difficult situations.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate your wisdom, Andrew ...
Linda, please excuse my delay in replying...and you hit it squarely right...the trite and pat answers, however well-intentioned, can really drain energy. That's the perfect way to say it; thank you for this!
DeleteI don't think people mean to be anything more than kind. Sometimes it is just hard for us to hear these words, but unless you have walked in the shoes of a dying person or their caregiver, you just don't know what to say. I think what bothered me the most was after Richard died people would say, "he's in a better place". I hated hearing that since I thought the best place ever was right here with me. Sending you love and hugs, Andrew!
ReplyDeletePaula, you're so right! people mean to be kind, but your example points out the ultimate in insensitive comments..."He's in a better place."
DeleteIt's so cruel...unintentional, yes, but crue nonetheless.
Thank you for sharing this. I know the memory had to hurt, and I truly appreciate you.
People always feel the need to fill the silence, don't they. Open mouth, insert foot. And then you kick yourself all the way home, wishing you'd just remained quiet. I had a friend lose her husband to suicide recently ... I had absolutely no words for her ... just I love you. I'm praying for you. There is no way I'd begin to tell her how to proceed or manage ... but I can ask "how may I pray for you?" You know? And you are daily in my prayers. I've had a busy fall ... I think things are about to slow down. :) Much love to you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteShelli, that's so true...the silences in the face of pain and tragedy can be hard to live with, and one simply wants, with all good intention, to fill them. I know I've done this.
DeleteBut your words, "I love you. I'm praying for you."...they're perfect. Exactly the RIGHT thing to say.
We so appreciate the prayers, my friend. Love back, from both of us (and the dogs!).
That is a very kind and gracious response that you recommend! I will have to remember that.
ReplyDeleteOne of my least favorite comments is the one that goes something like this, "If you would just go to my doctor, my doctor would cure you!"
My husband is usually the one to receive these kind of comments. I guess because he is the one who is "out and about" and I'm the one who is usually confined to the house. But I do occasionally receive these type of comments, and I struggle to know how to respond with clarity and kindness. So I'm glad to have your suggestion of a response.
Oh, Rachel, the comment about "If you'd just go to my doctor..."...I have heard that one too, and I feel for you!
DeleteBarbara's the one who gets these comments now; I am housebound, and verbal communication's so hard I don't often try. It's a hard burden for her, as I'm sure it is for your husband. But we are blessed with the people in our lives, yes?
Thanks so much for being here.
I commented yesterday, but somehow, I guess it got erased. Sigh. Thank you, Andrew, for the reminder of how important both words and grace are. People don't usually set out to say something hurtful. Keeping this perspective in mind is a good thing. I love your gracious response to words spoken that are hurtful.
ReplyDeleteFor me, when we walked through infertility (nothing near as serious as what you're walking through), we were told, "If you have more faith, God will answer your prayer." Though this was hurtful to hear, it challenged me to better understand what faith was . . . and wasn't. It also helped me to grow in trusting God more, for His plans to be played out in my life.
Praying for you and Barb, my friend.
Jeanne, sorry for the lost comment...and please forgive my delayed response to this one. Hard days.
DeleteYou're right, that people do mean well. They sometimes just lack the filters that would help them understand!
And the 'having more faith' thing...that has always galled me, because it reduces God to the the level of a fairy-tale magician. If you believe hard enough, the magic will be real!
I would HATE to think we are the children of that kind of God!
Thank you so much for the prayers, and for being here, Jeanne.
I imagine there are even more comments you have heard that you didn't write down. You are right in saying that they mean well and your response is perfect. I also know how you must be scratching your head when people say these things to you. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMary, you're right...though barbara hears most of the comments now (as I am housebound), when I could still get out and about I did hear my fill!
DeleteAnd yes, some did leave me sorely puzzled, with the thought, "Why does this individual even THINK that???"
But...sigh...they were doing their best!
Thanks so much for being here.
Yes, Andrew, often I am at a loss for words in a given situation; I pray what comes out when I comment on your posts is at least helpful to you...and know that it does come from a place of caring and wanting to say the right thing! But, doesn't always come out right...but to "not comment" because you know they do mean well, is showing them grace and the appreciation that they do care and are concerned.
ReplyDeleteThanks, as always, for sharing your views. Always something to ponder! Hugs and prayers!!
Barbara, your comments have always been kind, relevant, and balanced...you've never made one that left me wondering "why did she say THAT?"
DeleteYou've given me more grace in your words than anyone has a right to expect.
Prayers and hugs appreciated, and back at you from both of us!
We had foster kids with special needs for years, and heard some comments from people similar to the kind you get. I remember once we were in a park when our autistic boy had a melt down and I was holding him to keep his tantrum from escalating. A woman walked by and said, "If you'd spank your kid he wouldn't behave like that." A few minutes later another woman glared at me and said, "If you didn't abuse your kid he wouldn't behave like that."
ReplyDeleteOh, Jan! I can't imagine how frustrating those comments must have been.
DeleteThank you so much for sharing this.
We've all probably offended one time or another, sad to say. The Christian cliche's roll off the tongue a little too easily. Not very pleasant that sort of thing, even if there is an element of truth in the saying...like, lean into Jesus. I do that when I'm stressed and it helps me, A LOT! But that doesn't help when it is given as a pat answer type of solution and your suffering is great.
ReplyDeleteWe're pulling for you, Andrew. Still praying.
Norma, exactly right...and there is always some truth in the advice given, which so misfires. It's the truth of a caring heart, and in framing a reply I always had to keep that firmly in mind. (Barb fields those comments now, as I don't get out any more...and I don't envy her.)
DeleteThanks so much for the prayers, my friend, and for being here.
Sorry I just saw your friend request on FB, I have been laying low more often on there. I saw this post and remembered I wanted to read it very much. I know I have been on the wrong end of this for sure in different situations, possibly here. Listening more and speaking less is gold! I also love the comments, couldn't have agreed more.
ReplyDeleteMeg, thanks so much for accepting my friend request! I don't use FB much, but am trying to learn the paradigm. It's not a 'natural' thing for me.
DeleteI know I've been guilty of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time...often. That's why I have a big mouth - has to be, to fit in both my feet!
So glad you're here, my friend.