Your Dying Spouse 213 - Lethal Lessons {FMF}

Time for Five Minute Friday, the timed and keyword themed writing challenge hosted every week by the wonderful Kate Motaung.

One again, I'm writing in advance of knowing the keyword. I may not be well enough to address it in timely fashion when it's revealed, but beyond that, there is a story to tell.

(The word is COLLECT. I think I can use it.)

If I can work the word into this narrative, I will. But I do ask your pardon for not playing the game.

September sucked. No other word. It started out with Barbara getting the flu, and me getting pneumonia which almost killed me.

Which, in retrospect, might not have been an unwelcome thing.

Barb's beloved 18-year-old canine companion, Mocha Java, died. Barbara discovered the body; I was running behind in letting the dogs out for walks, and had not gotten to Mocha.

Barbara should not have been subjected to that.

Two weeks after that awful day, I was unforgivably negligent. The enclosure in which one of our young pits lived was deficient, and I had not gotten around to repairing it, and had too much pride to ask Barbara to fix it. She offered, as the dog had gotten out when she was around, and had to be coaxed back in.

I didn't do anything. She got out, and now she is dead. It's on me. She was only three years old.

Sloth is the devil's debt, and the devil came to collect.

Some might say, well, it's only a dog...but I have found that dogs feel love and pain and hope and fear and joy and sorrow to the degree that many humans do, and more so than most people I've met. I have service dogs; I rely on them when I can no longer communicate even with my wife.

That argument doesn't wash, not for me.

The raw fact is that God entrusted me with the care of these guys, and for Pitunia, I failed, and she was the one to pay the price.

It's hard, or maybe impossible to forgive myself, but I realize that I don't have to. I've already bee forgiven. I believe in God, and I believe that He's seen the remorse in my heart, and His forgiveness is there. It will take me time, more, perhaps, than I have, to take that offering, but God is patient.

It's hard not to hate myself, but again, I don't have to worry, because I believe that God does love me.

It's OK to be in the abyss for awhile. It's not something I have to fix, healing takes time, and in this case it may take more time than I have in this life.

That's also OK.

I may smile again one day; or not. Time will tell. But I will be here in this corner of cyberspace.

But I doubt I will ever be what I was.

I'll be what God makes of me from here on.

No musical accompaniment this week. Doesn't seem appropriate.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.