The word this week is...WANT.
Today, I realized...I want that.
Barbara rented a DVD of 13 Hours for me, the true story of the debacle in Benghazi on September 11, 2012.
And seeing it made me homesick for the person I used to be.
Sheer lunacy, of course, and even addressed in the film when one of the guys says, "Why can't I go home?"
He's told that warriors aren't trained to retire, but the truth is...sitting on a rooftop in a crappy foreign neighbourhood, holding a machine gun and surrounded by people who wanted to kill him, he was already home.
And I want to go home, too. I don't want to die by degrees, screaming in the night because my belly hurts (that was the past few nights' experience, and it sucked).
I want to go home to a place where life seems normal, and where death makes sense.
Welcome to my world.
And, as promised, a couple of pictures of Strawberry...
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Strawberry is absolutely gorgeous!!! And would that be you in the pic mayhaps? Praying for you, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteLynette, please pardon my late reply...and thank you so much! Strawberry is doing well. And that is a somewhat Photoshopped me. I do have a Gimli-esque physique, but the rest is modified.
DeleteStrawberry is a gorgeous dog. So much THIS: "want to go home to a place where life seems normal, and where death makes sense."
ReplyDeleteTara, thanks so much (and sorry for the tardy response). Strawberry's a gem, and she's learning to play. Her coordination has not yet caught up with her ambition.
DeleteWonderful photos. Thanks for sharing them, Andrew. So agree with Tara- so much this: "I want to go home to a place where life seems normal, and where death makes sense."
ReplyDeleteAnd thought I'd share this pic to remind you that He's holding you in the palm of His Mighty Hand- our Maker of heaven and earth: https://mobile.twitter.com/AnnaLSmit/status/741147387838799872
I love that picture, Anna! Thank you so much, such a lovely, lovely sky. Enchanting. And I am so glad you like Strawberry!
DeleteYou nailed this one, brother. I get it. I really do. Strawberry and who? xo
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you so much - you've made my day! (And please pardon the late response.)
DeleteStrawberry and a photoshopped me. I do have the build of LOTR's Gimli, but the rest is...altered.
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ReplyDeleteBeautiful!This is my first time to "Stumble across you," but I am moved. I'm praying for your comfort and healing. In reading your post, I realize that all the believers I know are "heart sick" and ready to go home.
ReplyDelete*Love the orange design...It mkes me feel hopeful.
Tammy, thank you so much for visiting! I truly appreciate the prayers. And orange truly rules!
DeletePrayers for you. I want for you to feel peace!
ReplyDeleteAnnie
annierim.wordpress.com
Annie, thank you so much...peace isn't, unfortunately, my profession, but perhaps the Almighty will see fit to send me to another special school where I can learn about it.
DeleteI'm so grateful for your presence here. Your blog brings so much joy to my life.
hi andrew:) i left you a reply on my post, but started falling asleep last nite b/f i could get commenting. i will never understand the mind of a soldier, but i do understand the desire to go down fighting and when your time is up, to have it over and not drag it out. i did enjoy your post today andrew. i always love getting to know a part of you a little better.
ReplyDeletecontinuing to pray for you and Barbara during this painful and hard time.
who could have imagined that in the middle of it all, strawberry would come into your lives? what a sweet blessing:)
Martha, thank you so much! I am really glad you're here, and your comment lifts my spirits.
DeleteThe prayers are very much appreciated...and Strawberry is somehow an answer to some of them. Her sweetness and kind of helpless innocence give my heart strength. Can't ask for more.
Strawberry looks great! Every time I face change, I feel a longing for what was 'known and normal'--I think maybe it's the human longing for heaven that C. S. Lewis talks about mixed with our sinful nature (becuase in the clear light of day, what I find myself longing for isn't usually that great).
ReplyDeleteThanks, Anita...I passed on the message to Strawberry, and she's thumping her tail. It's LOUD.
DeleteI think you're right about facing change, and longing for what we know...even if what we know best would be terrifying to others.
It may be mixed with our sinful nature, but I would prefer to think that our longings recognize the seed of Grace, and only in that retrospect do we clearly see God...by the fingerprints He has left in our circumstance.
And please pardon this late reply!
Love the pictures of Strawberry. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteCarly, thank you so much for the prayers...and Strawberry appreciates the compliment!
DeleteWho is that in the photo with the wonderful dog?
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you should read the book, How to Speak Dog by Stanley Coren. It's all about how dogs communicate. Maybe your local library has a copy and Barbara can get it for you.
Jan, that's me, but altered. My physique does resemble that of Gimli from LOTR, though.
DeleteBarb just bought a copy of 'How To Speak Dog"! When she's finished I shall read it. Thanks!
Great take on the prompt! I guess we all would want to go back to the person we used to be. And we all long for home. Looking forward to when home is never far away.
ReplyDeleteSomehow I can't publish with wordpress, so I use my google account (even though that blog is inactive)...
Katha, thank you so much for taking the pains to be here. I truly appreciate it.
Delete"Looking forward to when home is never far away." That's just PERFECT. Thank you for that!
Nice to see Strawberry. I bet she's an angel.
ReplyDeleteNorma, Strawberry sure is an angel. A big, slobbery, completely uncoordinated angel who is just learning how to play. It's hilarious.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
Thanks for sharing! I get what you're saying. May God be your all in all in this season. Remember, this is only a season. Blessings and grace to you! Shalom Shannon stopping by from FMF #11
ReplyDeleteShannon, thank you so much for being here...and you're right, it's only a season. Gonna put that up on the refrigerator as a reminder - thanks!
DeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeletewhen you're not made for the Earth, the longing for your real home is real. But, in Strawberry's defense, you really need to have been here for her. ;)
She's gorgeous! And if that's a picture of you, I can see why you're anti-walker and any other wheelchair aid. You're as strong as can be. The lack of a sombrero or cowboy hat, though. Really, I expected to see a little more southern flair. :) Ole`!!
Thank you for continuing to post. Fingers crossed that I'll get to read your sequel!
Love,
Tammy
P.S. I made it! School's out!
Tammy, yes...I had to be here for Strawberry, and no matter what, I have to remain. When she wanders off in the yard, she'll suddenly get insecure and come running back and give me a big knock-me-down hug.
DeleteAnd yes, that's me, though the details are altered. I do have the build of LOTR's Gimli.
Love back, my friend. I am so glad you're here! And congrats on surviving another school year!
She is beautiful Andrew. You made me cry... I often feel that way with my PTSD... like life was somehow better, familiar, when I was abused. Maybe because it was my normal for so long? There is something about "normal" no matter how BEEEEEEPed it is!! <3
ReplyDeleteOh, Marisa! I have no words, only prayers for your heart.
DeleteAnd there is something about normal that we long for. No matter how bad it was.
Hang in there, my friend. You're loved.
Strawberry is a sweet, beautiful little girl; so welcome by you in your home, I'm sure! And, Andrew...yes, there are times when we ALL want to "go home"...wherever that may be...
ReplyDeleteHugs and Prayers and Thoughts and Concerns and...still with you and Barb on this journey...
Strawberry says thanks, Barbara...and she is a great, welcome addition. She's incredibly polite.
DeleteNot going home yet. Going to see things through for the baby. And thank you so much for the prayers!
Gorgeous dog! She looks a lot like my Kaylee. We suspect she is a lab / mastiff mix. :)
ReplyDeletePraying that you!
Thanks, Sarah! Lab/Mastiff is a great mix. We have a couple of labs...one, Chris, we call Captain America because he's so very pleasant (and STRONG). The other is named...well...Labby.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers!
Your posts are always so authentic and heartfelt, and my heart goes out to you and your wife. My son was playing this song recently by Linkin Park called "Castle of Glass." For some reason your post made me think of it. I guess bc you could probably identify with it. http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?lyrics=26591 On a brighter note, Strawberry is beautiful! I pray for God to comfort and strengthen you and be close to you and grant you relief. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
ReplyDeleteGayl, thank you for this...I know the song well, and love it. It does speak to me. (As does LP's "Iridescent'.)
DeleteStrawberry is wonderful, and has an delightful, polite personality. God sent her, I think, to give me just a bit more strength for the fight.
Thank you so much for being here.
Andrew, I'm currently reading 'Faith in the Night' and can see where the desperate longing for home comes from, especially when circumstances on earth are dire. Strawberry is an aptly named delight! How lovely. I'm also curious to know if the handsome gent with her is you. If so, then you look stronger than you feel.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear of the intense, intractable abdominal pain you are currently experiencing. No fun whatsoever. Pain like that really takes us to the wire, extremity testing in every way. Do you approach it with a soldier's steady, steely-eyed glint at the enemy? I imagine you have reserves that few of us know about.
But if it makes you crumple and whimper like a wounded puppy, then that is totally understandable and nothing to be ashamed of. There are few things as demanding and draining on mind and body as relentless pain. Howl away if you need to, my friend. Praying for the pain to abate and for you to have some needful rest, ease and peace.
Joy, thank you for the kind comment about "Faith". I truly hope that it speaks to you through its pages.
DeleteThat is me with Strawberry, though the only part left digitally unaltered is my build. I do look a bit like Gimli. For many years I had to maintain an extreme level of fitness, and that has helped me last this long. (My workout schedule typically took three hours...every day.)
Pain's a shifty enemy, and one has to be adaptable; a single approach can leave one vulnerable when it changes. And it does. Sometimes mental toughness is the key, and sometimes one has to peg one's endurance in physical strength, letting the mind go 'slack'. Hard to describe.
I don't whimper, but the past few nights I have been screaming. Unavoidable, and rather embarrassing, as it keeps Barbara awake.
Thank you so much for being here, Joy.
Strawberry is one good-looking dog! Looks like a worthy companion. Since we were designed for heaven, I think the closer we get to it, the more homesick we get. Then I start thinking about all the people I love who are already there - and it makes for a bittersweet yearning. Praying for you and your family - for peaceful sleep, restful dreams, clarity of mind, and moments of the beautiful, rich good stuff.
ReplyDeleteStrawberry says, thanks, BlueCottonMom...and she likes sharing a colourful name with you.
DeleteA bittersweet yearning. Yes. Exactly. A longing to be there, but a stronger resolve to be HERE. I want to watch Strawberry grow!
Thank you so much for being here today.
Hey friend, I LOVE the picture of Strawberry. She's beautiful. And, sometimes home is where we are, not a building. It's where we're comfortable, where we feel safe . . . often surrounded by people who "get" us.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, Andrew.
Jeanne, Strawberry says thank you...in her very quiet and polite way. She also offers a paw.
DeleteAnd you're right. Home is the community that gets us. You said this perfectly.
Prayers are so appreciated!
Strawberry is beautiful! I sometimes reflect on the person I use to and often yearn for the past. But I am where I am today, and who I am today, and I know that God has a plan. Thank you, Andrew, for your always inspiring and honest posts. If you'd like some help putting buttons on your sidebar, I'd be happy to help you!
ReplyDeleteBarbie, Strawberry says thanks!
DeleteI agree with you...God always has a plan. And what I find interesting is that a lot of stuff is being cleaned off my soul, showing the person I used to be in sharp relief.
And yes, I would be most grateful for help...posting the buttons has really defeated me.
Andrew, each time I see your post appear I am thankful that we get to hear your voice and experience your reflections for the week. I just started reading the book that movie was based on last night. Fascinating and yet so hard to read. Thank you my friend for your blunt honesty and for never shying away from letting us know bits of your story.
ReplyDeleteIt is good to see Stawberry. It is so beautiful for me to reflect on the fact that you needed and need each other. Prayers and blessings my friend
janel, thank you so much. I am thankful to be here!
Delete"13 Hours" is tough to read; I knew some of the guys who died. Not well, but I did know them.
Strawberry's a delight. She is very polite, yet her playful side sometimes collides with her natural decorum, and she doesn't know quite what to do!
And she gives me a reason. I want to see how she develops. She hugs me, every morning...I fancy it means, "Daddy, don't GO!"
No fear, Strawberry. I won't. Not all of God's angels could drag me from my post.
And thank you so much for the prayers!
Oh Andrew, I think every Christian longs for home, some days more than others. Especially with the evil and ugly things of this world. You're situation I'm certain, makes your longing so much more. Hello beautiful Strawberry and Andrew. Prayers always friend
ReplyDeleteChristy, your message to Strawberry's appreciated, and her tail's a-waggin'.
DeleteThere's the longing, but it's outweighed by resolve...Strawberry just came aboard, most specifically for me. She loves barbara, but follows me around. I won't leave her.
Thank you so much for the prayers, my friend.