It's getting down to time to embrace the suck.
And that is not entirely a bad thing. Having a life in which every day has become a survival situation - as in, how on Earth am I going to get through this particular 'episode' - it does lend a certain perspective that is probably hard to obtain anywhere else.
But it can't be shared, except through these words, and they are only marginally effective.
The people around me have their own lives and concerns, and things that bug them kind of roll off my back. An unmown lawn, for instance...that's pretty far down the list of annoyances for me. (OK, I'm on a mesa in New Mexico, and there is no lawn, but you get my drift.)
It's my own private Alamo.
But there are voices...
"I prayed to God to heal you, and got an answer...He said No." (Gee, did you really have to tell me?)
"We've been expecting this rapid deterioration for a long time." (Well, gosh, at least you don't have to live it, eh?)
And there are plans made, of which I can never be a part.
It can be pretty discouraging. This can be a pretty lonely path (especially when you're lying o the kitchen floor, too hurt and tired to move), and those voices make it lonelier still.
The word this week is cheer, and I guess I can work it in here.
These voices bring to mind - unfairly - a verse from Siegfried Sassoon's poem 'Suicide In The Trenches" -
"You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
who cheer when soldier lads march by,
creep home and hope you'll never know
the hell where you and laughter go."
Yes, it's unfair of me to think this when others are just living their lives, and responding as best they think they can to mine. It's harsh, and cruel of me to even think this...but life has become harsh and cruel, and the only way I can survive each day is to be harder than death itself.
But there is also the good cheer of a soul reduced to the honed edge of killing steel...
There are other voices...
"You are never out of the fight." - from Lone Survivor.
"The only easy day was yesterday." - the SEAL motto
"I ain't got time to bleed." - from Predator.
"Come on, Lakotas, it's a good day to die!" - Sitting Bull
"On the third day I will rise again." - my boss, the Jewish carpenter.
Voices. All depends on who you listen to, I guess.
The musical inspiration for today's post is Russ Ballard's 'Voices' (remember the 80s?)
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
"I prayed to God to heal you, and got an answer...He said No."
ReplyDeleteDID SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAY THIS TO YOU?!? CAN I COME PUNCH THEM?!? Or did YOU at least punch them?!? Because seriously. What a jerk. (I almost said another word that wasn't nice but decided to keep it PG as I don't know your cuss-word opinions).
Anyway, I'm sorry this is such a lonely path. I hate it when people say "i know how you feel" when they truly DON'T. There is no way I can know how you feel because I've never been through this. But I can say: I'm sorry. I love you. I hate this. And I'm praying.
Those are the only voices you should be hearing on this chapter of yours, friend.
If you have the energy, Emily McDowell has an AWESOME line of empathy cards that might pique your interest. they're all about expressing empathy towards someone struggling as opposed to saying something stupid and hurtful. (language warning): http://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards
Love you friend.
Yes, Jordan, someone did say that. I tend to a quiet reserve, and the only way anyone can discern a homicidal rage is by the way my eyes twitch. I was, definitely, pissed. (And I have NO problem with cuss words.)
DeleteThank you so much for the kindness and the love, Jordan. Truly. You make a difference in my life.
I'll definitely check out the Emily McDowell cards. ('Emily' is a lucky name for me...we had a deaf Heeler called Emily, who, though now across the Rainbow Bridge, has left a definite bark...uh, mark.)
Love you, my friend.
Andrew... I may just have to have a bumper sticker designed in your honor. "Embrace the suck."
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, I don't trust people who tell me things they've heard... I know one lady at our church that I do think has that gift.
Cheer...your pups bring cheer and joy. I guess we can go back to focus and voices. Some people have a vote, some have a voice, and some have an opinion. Don't let the opinion level have a vote! 😊
Hoping to post. So glad to be on your cheer squad at FMF!
Love,
Tammy
How about a bumper sticker AND a t-shirt, Tammy!
DeleteI also have a bit of a problem with people who claim a direct line to The Man. I don't doubt it exists...but its proof is found in compassion, not a slap.
And I won't let the opinions have a vote. No worries. It riled me up right good. A resupply on moral ammo.
Love having you in the cheering section, Tammy. Thank you!
I made it in at #68
DeleteHey, we work for the same Jewish carpenter, and it cheers me to know that I'm not in the trenches alone :). Praying for you and Barb and pups!
ReplyDeleteNever alone, Anita...never alone! And thank you so much for the prayers!
DeleteAndrew, it really does depend on who we choose to listen too. Oh and "embrace the suck" I can, like Tammy, see that on a bumper sticker and maybe dome tshirts too. Glad you are still here. I'm #7 this week.
ReplyDeleteExactly right, Tara. Listening is a choice, and sometimes we really DON'T have to give everyone a fair hearing.
DeleteSometimes we have to shout them down.
I'm glad to still be here...and so glad you are too!
"Go ahead, make my day" Clint Eastwood
ReplyDelete"You mock my pain" Buttercup "Life is pain, Anyone who says differently is selling something" Wesley, The Princess Bride
And one of my personal favs because my 10 y/o daughter mimics it so well:
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!"
"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Forrest Gump
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” ― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal. -Thomas Moore
and just because it made me laugh like crazy:
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
I hope laughing doesn't make you hurt more. I couldn't resist the quote theme :) I hope they cheer you as you suffer. Love you friend! Praying always.
In the 6 spot tonight
Oh, Christy, I LOVED these! Thank you so much! And especially the last one.'
DeletePerfect, and you gave me a big smile!
Love you, friend, and so appreciate the prayers.
Your insight is profound and it comes from a real, raw and hurting place. We always have the choice of who to listen to, as much as that might be a slim comfort when you are experiencing such pain and sorrow :( Thinking of you and your gut-wrenching struggle :(
ReplyDeleteEmma, thank you so much...and you're so right. Listening is a choice. We're taught to be decorous, and that all views should be given consideration, but I think that this is sometimes taken too far. There are those whose words do real damage, and they need to be cut off at the knees.
DeleteIt is definitely a gut-wrenching struggle...quite literally...but it's amazing how deep one finds one's resources when there are no options left.
Chief Joseph said, "I will fight no more forever." I amend that. I will fight on...forever. NEVER out of the fight.
Thank you so much for being here, Emma. I appreciate you.
Well, I know some (FMF fam) who cheer you on from week to week. But, I also am beyond glad, and okay-with, knowing you will be one to CHEER us on from glory (see my post). Love to you and Barb. And, hey on this weekend? I want to thank you for serving me and this country. You make us proud. xo
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you so much! That really, really means a lot to us. XOXO and wag-wag-waggy!
DeleteWow! You have some pretty dark voices being directed at you,huh? But hey, we've been warned huh: 1 Peter 5:8 (NIV) "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." He's definitely prowling load and clear in your quarters. Glad you're listening to the Carpenter's voice and not the enemy's.
ReplyDeleteI'm cheering you on as you fight that enemy with your alert and sober mind...he's already been overcome and he knows it all too well!
Yes, Anna, there are dark voices...and all the more dangerous that they are well-meant, and being bent by the enemy. But I know my Shepherd's voice. I am a relatively smart sheep.
DeleteThank you so much for the cheers!
Reminds me of Jesus rebuking I think it was Peter and saying "Get behind me, Devil" Yes, sadly we too can be susceptible to the devil's evil hand.
DeleteI was just praying for you and Barbara and this verse came to mind: Zechariah 9: 12 "Return to the stronghold, O prisoners who have the hope; This very day I am declaring that I will restore double to you." There is much being taken from Barbara and you daily, but be encouraged that each thing being stolen will be restored double through the Hope of Glory resting in you both.
Andrew, my heart goes out to you and your wife. I can't imagine all the suffering you must go through. How can anyone be so cruel as to tell you they prayed for you to be healed and God's answer was no? I can't even... You really are amazing and I'm glad you're part of #FMF. I pray that God would comfort and strengthen you and that the only voices you hear would be healing and encouraging and life-giving. Blessings to you and yours, dear one. Oh, and thanks so much for commenting on my blog!
ReplyDeleteGayl, thank you so much for this affirmation. This life does get kind of hard sometimes, and the voices from the darkness, as it were, can occasionally have a false ring of truth to them (if that makes sense).
DeleteAnd thank you so much for the prayers!
Stunning the things that people will say. Hopefully, they realized how bad it was and knew they had just stuck their foot on their mouth. I'm new here, visiting from FMF and will be returning. In the meantime, you are added to my prayers.
ReplyDelete#37 FMF
Maxine, yeah, it can be surprising...and I wish I could say that the mistakes were realized, but the individuals involved continued on their blithe conversational path. Up to me to pray for g
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers...and for being here.race (and, perhaps, a useful brain) to be extended to them.
Andrew, you continue to help me put life in perspective. Thank you. You hit the nail on the head again with "Voices. All depends on who you listen to, I guess." Amen to that. Keep listening to your boss. I'm doing my best to do the same. You are loved, brother. Continuing to pray for you, Barbara, and your dog family.
ReplyDeleteJulie, thank you so much! I'll keep listing to the Boss, bet on it.
DeleteWe so appreciate the prayers!
Andrew, as always, your transparent honesty moved me. I'm sorry someone spoke such disheartening words to you. Sometimes it is the voices speaking death that seem the loudest, but it's the words of life that are the truest. I'll be praying God's words of life fill your mind and heart.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what you're going through. When I pray for you, God sometimes gives me a clear glimpse of how to pray for you in that moment. Other times, I'm guessing at what you're enduring and praying to that end. You're right, we need to make sure we're listening to the right voices.
Praying for you, Barb and the dogs, my friend.
Jeanne, thank you so much. A lot of what I write is now kind of automatic, in the pushing through pain to find the right words is beyond me...and rereading what I've written I cannot remember having actually written it! I'd blame it on pain meds if I could afford them, but in the absence of morphia I guess I will just hold the Holy Spirit responsible.
DeleteWe so appreciate the prayers...and yeah, just let God direct you. Works best!
I love the quotes! But it is true. Words are sometimes the most hurtful thing in the world but I am so glad that our Boss gave us words to focus on when we are hurting. God has put you on my mind this week. Continue to pray when He does so.
ReplyDeleteKristina, thank you so much. I'm glad He thought of that, too, to give us exactly the handhold we need when clinging to the cliff.
DeleteI so appreciate your prayers!
Andrew, know that you certainly are NOT in the trenches all alone! You have, at least that Jewish carpenter...though, if you look above my comment at all of these followers...these are your cheerleaders! We are all here with/for you, and many many others!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, my friend...Embrace the suck! (I don't usually use these kinds of words; but for you...and am in agreement with Tammy B. and others that this would make a great bumper sticker, t-shirt, and whatever else it takes!!
Hugs and prayers and thoughts continue to be with you and Barb.
I'll hang in there, Barbara. Never fear. It is hard sometimes, but h-a-r-d is not spelled q-u-i-t. That's what I always tell myself.
DeleteThis community is a large part of the reason I won't quit, as well.
We thank you so much for the prayers and hugs!
Wow. Loved the quotes, love all the encouraging comments and the love that is shared here with you. Sad, though, that there were those other deflating (and hurtful) words. The worst part was the insensitivity in saying them. BTW, I don't think we're usually privy to such knowledge. God often says .. persevere on..., and then we choose to do so. Be of good cheer, the carpenter has overcome the world. That is victory, not defeat.
ReplyDeleteNorma, you are absolutely right...His victory is our victory, and in the end, what could be better cheer?
DeleteAnd I am so grateful for this supportive community. I have no words, really, to describe the depth of that gratitude.
honestly andrew, emily mcdowell might like your "embrace the suck" idea for one of her cards! they are very funny in a dark-lived-through-cancer kind of way that cancer patients wouldn't laugh at coming from me.
ReplyDeletei wish i had been there to punch person #1 in the face too! boo! but then again, i know i've said a lot of dopey things too:(
one of the true things? I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU. even here, He doesn't leave and often carries us...no matter how lonely we feel.
praying for you andrew as the darkness seems to settle in...that His light will be with you...and your wife.
Martha, from the reactions I've read...for the punch in the nose to person #1, there will evidently be a line.
DeleteThose words...I will never leave you nor forsake you...offer a lot of comfort these days.
And we are so very grateful for your prayers!
Andrew, this: "But there is also the good cheer of a soul reduced to the honed edge of killing steel" reveals the strength you've developed to deal with suffering and the rapier wit you exercise here to slice at the painful edges of it. And it reminds me of how the word of God is a sword searing its truth deep into heart and mind.
ReplyDeleteYes to the honest wisdom of these words: "time to embrace the suck" and to T-shirts, cards, posters, DVD and mugs! Your words deserve to be kept for posterity. They speak of life's raw and hard and have great potential to help others similarly situated.
May you cling closer to the Nazarene Carpenter, see the caring callouses on His hands and the way He still shaves and lathes away the dross and detritus, working the oil of His goodness and grace into the hard wood of our circumstances. Let His be the voice you listen to most, and His the arms that hold you close. Praying for you, Barb and the canine family as you lean harder and fall softer. Thank you so much for finding time to stop by my place this week. Bless you, brother. I'm so glad to be a part of your cheering squad.
Joy, this is great...thank you so much. I love the way you married the Carpenter's work into infusing of grace into the hardest circumstances. You're a virtuoso!
DeleteAnd I am very, very honoured by your presence here. Thank you.
Andrew, the suckage gives an unusual light and perspective. One most of us won't know until it's too late. You seem to embrace both with gusto, which teaches us all because of how you live. In response to your celebration over at my blog: Strawberry Hill is one lucky pooch! Your compassionate heart for God’s creatures—so beautiful. Sounds like you’ve found that place where the world’s need and your passion meet. Inspires me to nurture this quality in someone close to me.
ReplyDeleteChristina, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. I really appreciate this.
DeleteStrawberry Hill is doing well, and I think she's grown...since dinner. At the moment she's fast asleep, but has been gaining confidence through the day. And she can be willful!
Thank you so much for being here!
Thinking of you, Andrew, and sending you my most positive energy and warmest wishes, Helen xx
ReplyDeleteMuch appreciated, Helen. Truly. I think of you often, and pray for you daily. xx and some wagging dog-tails
DeleteOh, Marie, you gave me a smile! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...the very Light of the World.
I cannot believe how some people can be so heartless. Andrew, you are in my continued thoughts and prayers as well as Barb. Your perseverance is a testimony of the greatness of God in you. You are never alone1
ReplyDelete