Your Dying Spouse 152 - Death Letter

"To be opened on my death."

As a caregiver, do you want a voice from the grave, form your husband or wife, wrapping things up, so to speak, with final thoughts of What It All Meant?

Or would that be just too painful to read?

Regardless, some people, facing the end, do find it necessary, sometimes urgently so, to get something down on paper. It's a call to legacy, to show, first, that I Was Here, and second, that My Life Mattered.

It's a message to a future that this individual will never see. (Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture is a book-length death letter to the kids he'd never see grow up.)

So, dear caregiver...what's your role in this? What kind of encouragement can you bring? How can you help. even if it tears you up inside?

First, don't throw cold water on the idea, if your dying spouse brings it up. That's the flat-out worst thing you can do, because even though you don't mean it, the interpretation is that you don't want to look back at the shared life you had.

Second, be open to exploring those shared memories...and, sometimes, doing some research to spark them. For someone who doesn't have a tomorrow, and for whom today is both painful and frightening, yesterday assumes huge importance.

Yesterday becomes the definition of a person's life, and a definition of value.

Third, try to keep hope, or at least anticipation alive. The doctors may have given up, but you can give your mate something to look forward to. You've got to take on the role of Cruise Director for this last voyage, by planning meals that can still be enjoyed, and watching - together - DVDs that you may have seen many times, but that still bring a sense of involvement and purpose to the dying.

Barbara did just that this evening; she has an early day tomorrow, but she stayed up with me to watch Star Trek - Into Darkness. It was her suggestion. She knew I'd had a miserably uncomfortable weekend, and she sacrificed her sleep to bring me this gift.

Because, you see, writing a death letter focuses on the direst of prospects, and it's easy to get caught in them.

Finally, show interest. If your mate wants to talk about what he or she is writing - to you - be present, and listen.

Because it's really a cry for help -

Tell me that I mattered..

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

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