Your Dying Spouse 139 - Family Gatherings

We're linked with Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday.

The season of family gatherings is coming...graduations, weddings, the Fourth of July, :Labour Day...and having a terminally ill spouse can really put a damper on the fun.

Sometimes the question's already answered, and you simply have to send regrets. You can't go, and you can't leave your husband or wife...or don't feel right doing so.

But you can participate through the telephone, or Skype, or Facebook...and you should. Stay involved, and help your mate be a part of a larger whole for as long as possible.

Then there's the gray area...your mate may be encouraging you to go, to get some time away, and he or she seems able to handle things...but you're worried.

If your husband or wife can realistically stay alone for a bit, by all means, arrange to go. Just set some things in place, first.

• Have a support system in place, so that in case of emergency, your mate will have help on call. An emergency may not be a rush to the hospital; it could be an attack of severe loneliness, or fear.
• Shop ahead, and get bills paid. Take off pressure and chores to the degree that you can (but don't do everything, because even the dying need to be useful
• Keep your cell phone on, and be mindful. This may seem to encourage 'clinginess', and perhaps in some people it will, but be that as it may, you've got a responsibility that transcends social etiquette.

If your spouse can accompany you, great! Enjoy the trip.

But be ready for questions...

• The super-concerned How are you may be genuine, but don't take over from your mate and give a rundown of test results and prognoses. Those who need to know, you can tell under other circumstances.
• Gauge your activities to your mate's level of energy, and be watchful. Don't push someone who's ill to the point of exhaustion, and don't let them do it to themselves
• When answering the questions of children, be careful. Parents have the ultimate say, and teling a kid, "Yes, Uncle Andrew is going to die soon" can result in emotional issues that the parents will have to deal with down the road, especially if Uncle Andrew is well-liked.

There's no reason that the Season of gatherings can't be a pleasant time, for both spouse and caregiver...even if both can't go.

Just plan ahead, and be realistic about what the situation is.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them