Actually, it feels like I've been shot, and I know how that feels.
So...apologies to Kate and everyone...if I can add some words on This Week's Word, I will. Doesn't look good.
But I can still do five minutes' writing.
To begin...
I know quite well that something wonderful is waiting for me on the other side of Death. I've had a week to think about it, and the memory of the Near-Death Experience from last week is still fresh in mind...
Fresher and more vibrant, in fact.
And still there is this melancholy, because I don't want to leave.
This place...it's not Heaven, and the difficult days are nothing like what they will be there.
I cannot remember what it is to be pain-free. I can't remember what not having the dry heaves that wouldn't stop feels like.
And yet, I'd rather be here, and I will fight to the death...hahaha...to stay. I'll leave claw marks on the pearly gates.
But why? Even writing this, it seems ludicrous, and faintly stupid. I mean, offing oneself is clearly wrong, but why not a calm and gentle acceptance?
Why do I intend to face, sword in hand, the angels that will come to bear me off?
I guess there's one reason, and one reason only.
This is my home, this life, and I think it's worth defending.
If the life I'm living has no more meaning than it could just be put aside for the benison of eternal good times, that I could down tools and walk away when I see the chance to split, then none of it ever had any meaning at all.
And that's not the case.
The meaning here is writ larger There, and the love I give it, in gladly choosing pain over deliverance, is the proof of the value of that which is loved.
The meaning of Meaning is Love.
It's the validation of Heaven.
That's it.
The musical inspiration for this post came from the Foo Fighters, with "Walk", part of the soundtrack for Thor.
It contains the line "I never wanna die!"...and if you watch it you'll get a very good idea of why taking me to a hospital is a bad idea.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
My husband once told me that he thought the entire Bible could be summed up in one word: Love. I'm praying for you. You are surrounded by love right now. Peace and rest, brother.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Melinda
Melinda, thank you so much; the love around me is that which sustains me.
DeleteAnd thank you for the lovely, wonderful card; please pardon my tardiness in not offering thanks before. The Scripture rom Lamentations is spot on!
Praying for you Andrew. Sorry about your pain. Each day that you remain with us and are able to write is another day that God is giving each of us to learn from you, and for you to learn from Him. It sucks that you have to be in pain for us to benefit but I am so thankful for you and your faith. You are an encouragement. Love and big (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteWell-said and true. I feel the same as you have expressed.
DeleteMarisa and Norma...thank you from the bottom of my heart.
DeletePain is a kind of grace, really, and a day like this, by far the worst, forbids looking forward or back, and compels the present, and the appreciation of its small and great blessings.
The pain does suck...but I would not trade it away, since I've been able to look, at times, on the unveiled face of God.
And thank you for the hugs!
I'm in agreement Andrew. If life is disposable then it had no worth. You have blessed us by sharing so much of your life here on this blog!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad that you have continual pain, but I am thankful that you are still coherent and sharing life here. Death is an unknown and an avenue for fear, but you are bravely facing it and giving strength and courage to others.
Great post again.
-Tammy
So I'm linked up over at #56.
DeleteHere's a lighter note for you.
We used to joke that Daylight Savings Day was the national day of mourning (morning) because we had to get up early.
I would rather stay up until 3am finishing a task, because I can sleep peacefully knowing it is complete-than to get a good night's rest and arise at 5am to complete the task.
God's been making me more of a morning person than I used to be.
Hoping the sunrise is as beautiful as the work God has been doing in your heart that has come through your words these last three months. You have changed and transformed so well, Andrew. It's like you're a monarch and your chrysalis is clear now. We're seeing you struggle to completely break out of it and it's hard to watch. We're unable to help, but we will all rejoice at the splendor of the King when you burst out and are able to fly. (and we'll be crying at the separation until it's our turn, but happy for you just the same.)
~Tammy
Tammy, I loved the "Day of Mourning/Morning" joke! And Barbara completely agrees.
DeleteToday was by far the worst day ever, and I'm not sure how far I will get in replying to comments, but with pain (and other stuff) comes a clarity that is not unlike the dawning of a clear day.
If God ordained this to be my purpose, I won't ask that the cup pass from me. I'll drink every drop, and witness His glory and love, for as long as I can...and will turn a deaf ear when He tries to call me Home.
He's just gonna have to come get me, Hisself.
I'm thankful for your words again, Andrew. You encourage my heart. And your love speaks volumes. I'm sorry your pain is awful. I wish I could take that away from you. I thank God for your strength, your tenacity, and your life. You, my friend, are incredibly special.
ReplyDeleteJulie, thank you...it IS awful, and today was the worst yet, but there is something here, a light from On High that's piercing the dark wall. It's not so much that God is supporting me, but He's shining a 'lamp unto my feet', that enables each step, and washes away both plans for the future and regrets of the past.
DeleteI can live in His present...and I wouldn't trade that away.
So sorry for your pain dear friend. One day...pain and dry heaves for you will be a distant memory (will they? Now that I write it, I'm not sure) Will we have memories in Heaven? It's something to ponder...always praying for you and Barbara. There will be a day when our prayers will cease, but your life will be new. It will be a bittersweet day for those who have been blessed to know you. Do the bet you can until you can do no more. I believe the time will come when you will be ready to leave the home you have here and you will know it'll be okay to let it go...I'm sure your pups will defend it in your stead.:)Until then I'll continue to pray
ReplyDeleteChristy, we so appreciate the prayers!
DeleteMemories in Heaven...well, from my limited experience, they're not really needed there. The good things, the love, we take them with us, and they are all 'in the present'...and the bad is like the snake's shedded skin...something to at last shrug off, because the new skin has been glorified.
Will the pain be forgotten. though...not really, because it's a part of what made me the person I will be 'there', and the good in it will surely be remembered.
Separation is part of a fallen world...you will miss me, but I will see you the moment I walk through the gates, in the unity of God's now.
Prepare to be hugged.
Praying for you and your wife, Andrew! And as I read your post, I couldn't help but think that all the good things we cherish here are but a faint foreshaddow of the wonderful blessings we'll experience in the presence of God, unencumbered by sin, sickness, and everything else that trips us up here. He's preparing a place, and it's going to be good.
ReplyDeleteYes, indeed, Asheritah...it's going to be better than you imagined, because the things you love here will be transfigured by His love...and by yours.
DeleteThe really wonderful thing I learned from my experience is that Heaven is a place of growth, and challenge...to paraphrase Richard Bach, Heaven isn't a static swamp, and God ain't no Swamp-Cookie.
He gave us the capacity to thrill to accomplishment...and that will only be sharped in His presence.
I continue to lift you and Barbara and all of your non-human people up in prayer. Keep on loving!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Anita...the prayers around me feel like a warm summer's day.
DeleteAnd I will definitely keep on loving...as Paul said, "all you need is love"...wait, I meant the other Paul..."the greatest of these is love"...but aren't they both right!
Just remember you will be up in Heaven rejoicing with our Lord!! Keep your head up and keep fighting!!
ReplyDeleteYour fmf friend parked at number ten this week
Today has been a fight, Miranda...but I'm still here, and looking up!
DeleteThanks so much for being here!
love you friend.. Going to pick up a card to mail ya tomorrow (I finally got stamps, huzzah!). We want you here, too. I'm praying for you and Barbara. Thanks for loving all of us so well.
ReplyDeleteJordan, thank you for loving us, and praying for us. It means the world.
DeleteAndrew, you so beautifully express the battle that wages within each of us. HERE is what we know. It's where we find meaning. Your life, and each life holds meaning. And great worth. I couldn't agree with you more: the meaning of Meaning is LOVE. Thank you for your profound thoughts, for your inspiring example and for your beautiful honesty.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, friend.
Thank you, Jeanne...and a large part of what I have learned about meaning came from your writing. You've opened my eyes to a kind of grace I had never imagined.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers. They are needed tonight. It gets worse every day, but the clarity increases...and I'll accept that cost!
Yes...love; Gods love always always wins. I hate hearing you talk about being in pain, but I'm so glad you are still here. Your life does indeed have so much meaning friend. We're so thankful you've blessed us at #fmfparty. We will miss you when it's time for you to go. But you are going to be in the most awesome place with Jesus. We all can't wait for the day we will meet face to face and we can break bread together. Love you brother! I'm over in the #14 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you...I hate having to write about pain, but it's really a messenger, and as the days go by the message...that God really cares...comes clearer and brighter.
DeleteLove you too, Sis!
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ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this! I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I'm so grateful you reached out to me on Twitter with the invitation to come here and read your words. So, again, thank you for writing.
ReplyDeleteEmily, it's a privilege to have met you through Twitter. What I'm going through hurts...a lot...but there is the compensation of clarity that I would not have found on another road. That more than makes up for both the hard days and the dreams that will remain unrealized.
DeleteTh clarity of meaning, and love...it's beyond price.
You've touched lots of lives here on Earth and your legacy will continue while you enjoy Eternity.By the way, Eternity isn't just time that goes on and never stops.It's completely outside time and space. In Heaven it will always seem like you just got there so you won't miss being here.
ReplyDeleteExactly right, Jan! There will be nothing to miss, because everything we 'would have missed' is already right there...and always has been. That was the key point of the NDE, the 'a-ha!' that I brought back.
DeleteAnd thank you so much for the kind words...this writing, this community...I am so blessed!
I wonder, Andrew, when your time actually does come if you will suddenly feel differently. Not about this life having meaning, of course it does, and we are to love it {to a point} and defend it, etc. But if I know you at all, and I admit I only know you from what you share here, I somehow doubt you will meet Jesus with a sword. The angels, maybe, but not Him. I believe it will be He Who comes, my friend. To bear you up . . . to peace eternal. You and Barbara remain in my prayers for daily strength and comfort.
ReplyDeleteWell, June, maybe not a sword...but I'll sure argue the point with Him! I have a feeling that He made this iron-skulled Chinaman just this way...and He'd be ever-so-slightly let down if I didn't put up a good fight.
DeleteWe thank so so much for the prayers. They are a blessing, and a balm.
Andrew, I have no way to even start to identify with where you are, but I admire you greatly. May God give you the peace and relief that only He can give in His way.
ReplyDeleteLeah, thank you...He does bring a kind of peace...what Sheldon Vanauken called 'a severe mercy'. Perhaps the amputation of a life, to save a soul?
DeleteI don't ask that this cup be taken. I appreciate the blessing, however much it hurts, and I'll drink it down. Not sure if I'll ask for a refill, though.
This is so strange to me. I find it very difficult to find meaning on earth. I would much rather die and go to heaven. For me it's more of a fight every day to not just give up like down and die. That you, who are clearly suffering more than most, would fight death is astounding to me. This is inspirational
ReplyDeleteOh, Alchemist...cool handle, by the way...I do understand what you mean. There are times that I nurture the hope that there is hope that I will continue to find the meaning.
DeleteI truly appreciate your being here.
all we need is love ... you are embraced by it, and will find peace in it. don't fight it, welcome it. the best is yet to come ...
ReplyDeleteYes, Cindi...the best IS yet to come. And I do feel the Love!
DeleteI am in pain right now also. Not as bad as yours, but it is bad enough at times that I do not want to go on. You inspire me to hang in there even in the midst of my pain. I can't imagine spending another few years like this, but for my wife and family I must do it.
ReplyDeleteMick, your words mean so much to me...I salute you. You're in our prayers.
DeleteYour resolve to fight the good fight and to remain doggedly here in the pain you face relentlessly, Andrew, is nothing short of inspiring and amazing. We all are grateful for the gift of another day for you, though I still pray that each day is less painful even in the face of deterioration. I believe that sometimes God gives a special grace in those darkest times in the valley of death. That's my hope and prayer for you, dear friend!
ReplyDeleteDear beth, He does indeed offer a special...and severe...grace. Today, more than ever, it has been the clarity of knowing that the moment He gives us, right now, is really all we have. Regrets are vain, and the future is not guaranteed.
DeleteBut now, whether in pain or not, is suffused with His presence, if we'll only look into His eyes!
Thank you so much for being here!
"I know quite well that something wonderful is waiting for me on the other side of Death"...I know for sure there IS something wonderful waiting for you; for us all. Yet, I'm with you; I am not ready to leave this earth and head over there to the other side. But, I also know that one day I will, just as one day you will also. And who knows, perhaps I'll get there before you do! Only God knows the outcome of that!!
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts and prayers, Andrew...you and Barb and your "companions" too. I'm pulling for you to hang on as long as necessary to complete your tasks, whether it's your writing, or whatever! We are here for you; we are praying for and with you!
Barbara, thank you so much...we truly appreciate the prayers.
DeleteIt's true, we don't know the exact time of our death, but we can rest secure in that uncertainty, because God's got us in His hands...and He doesn't drop things.
Once again, I find inspiration in your words. Thank you my friend for continuing to write despite your pain. Continuing to pray for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Michele...we so appreciate the prayers.
DeleteWriting is getting harder...but it's the job that God wants me to do, so I figure that He will hold me up to do it.
Into His hands I commend my work...and my spirit. There's no other way, and I'm glad to have learned that in time to tell of it.
Love... some many wonderful things in this post but I choose to focus on love. Because life is the love we give and to want to hold on to it is acceptable. as someone mentioned, it is not disposable. Our dreams, hopes and breaths are contained in this life.
ReplyDeleteMaria, you said this beautifully. "Our dreams, hopes and breaths are contained in this life". Genius.
DeleteAnd it's not disposable.
Thank you so much for being here!
You have answered the question I have often wondered, why it is you have resolved to stay in the fight for as long as you have. I think of the broken hearts your dogs will have when the day comes to say adieu. They are loyal and faithful. That, in itself and like the rest of this difficulty, is almost bittersweet. I admire your courage and your fortitude. Your readers see your heart, and it is a good heart. We want to fight with you, to keep you here as long as we can. The Serenity Prayer is applicable. God bless you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou are fighting alongside me, Norma...and more. More often than not this community is carrying me, because the strength contained within my body is spent, and that in my spirit is very depleted.
DeleteReaching out to others is survival, as reaching out to Christ is salvation.
And yes, the Serenity Prayer is perfect. Love it!
"The meaning here is writ larger There, and the love I give it, in gladly choosing pain over deliverance, is the proof of the value of that which is loved." Wow, I never thought about it that way, but it's so true. Our life on earth has meaning and we want to be here as long as we can. I'm sorry about your pain, but I admire your heart and your strength of character. May God bless you and grant comfort and some relief in your pain. You are an inspiration to all of us. I'm visiting from #WeekendWhispers.
ReplyDeleteGayl, thank you so much...for being here, and for your prayer.
DeleteGod does grant comfort, and while He hasn't relieved the pain...it's pretty awful as I write this...He shows me how to walk through it. One step at a time, depending on Him to keep the stones out of my path.
I can understand why you want to fight to stay here. This is the only home we recall, this is where our family is. I know I'd be resistant to leave my children. Praying you find peace in knowing that God will continue to care for all things here.
ReplyDeleteExactly, Carrie...this is home, and it's supposed to be home while we're here. Our lives are no accident, and while circumstances may be harder for some, we're still enjoined to love that which comes from Him...here.
DeleteI do find peace in the knowledge that all is, finally, in God's hands. I can't control much, but I can control my faith.
Thank you so much for being here!
These are such powerful words, Andrew: "The meaning here is writ larger There, and the love I give it, in gladly choosing pain over deliverance, is the proof of the value of that which is loved." They speak of insight from above and a gift of its forever love. Our days dwindle down to how much we love and are loved. They're the bare bones essentials. And the very things God wants us to major on.
ReplyDeleteFriend, you astonish me each time I read your wrung out words here. Pain is all pervasive and a stark reminder of our humanity. In this post I see you fully embracing that and the divine stamp on your life. It is truly humbling. Praying for you as you hang out in death's hallway. May you go gently into that long Goodnight and not kicking and screaming and leaving "claw marks on the pearly gates" as you envisage doing. Your soul and your spirit will go on, whatever happens..
Joy, thank you...and I love how you put it, "hanging out in death's hallway". It's WAY better than what my doctor says (well, after he says, "You're STILL alive?").
DeleteHe calls it 'circling the drain'. Ugh.
I do think that embracing pain gives it purpose. It is sometimes tempting...like, right now...to ask for a kind of narcotic bliss and escape, because along with everything else, it's exhausting.
But I'd rather take God's arms, and drink the cup, rather than the arms of Morpheus. There are few minutes left. I don't want to miss any.
Thank you so much for your kind words, your prayers, and your presence. You are a blessing.
You remind me of one of my favorite parts from Chesterton's Orthodoxy:
ReplyDelete“It means a strong desire to live, taking the form of a readiness to die. ‘He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,’ is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors and mountaineers. . . . A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. . . . He must seek life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine.”
Stacy, yes, exactly, and I LOVE Chesterton!
DeleteIt's also codified in Yamamoto Tsusenori's "Hagakure", which formed the basis for Bushido..."A Samurai shall live in such a way that he is always prepared to die."
Thank you so much for being here, and for adding this!
I must admit that I would go on to Heaven in a heartbeat if called. I suppose that comes from losing a child and being frustrated with how things are transpire get here on earth. I admire you for fighting to stay though, Andrew, if that is what you truly desire. Be blessed in your fight. I'm praying for you and all of your household - including all your sweet dogs.
ReplyDeleteLynette
~#79 this wk
Dear Lynette...what you've been through is not only far worse than my situation, it's infinitely worse, and your courage in facing each day is a marvel. I stand in awe of you.
DeleteWe - all of us - appreciate the prayers, and we're praying for you, my friend.
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ReplyDelete