Your DYing Spouse 121 - Near-Death Experience {FMF}

It's time for Five Minute Friday, the weekly keyword-driven timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

This week's word is...well, I don't know yet. I'm writing in advance, because I nearly died forty-five minutes ago. I'm pretty shaky, and the dogs are freaked out.

Again, thank you to those who sent cards. I am shamefully far behind on email you. Please forgive me.

But please know that they mean the world to me. Truly.

Okay, here we go.

So what is dying like? Do you want to know?

I can't speak for everyone, I suppose, but in the last hour it was like this...I was praying that God let me get up - I was so very tired - and I slipped into a dream.

It was a golfing dream. Sheesh. I used to play that game, long ago.

It was with real people - people I knew, and who I either know or suspect are no longer living. They were much younger, as was I.

The course was a real place, and I could smell the grass, and recognize detail of which I hadn't thought...and haven't seen...in nearly forty years.

It was a nice, summery day. Not too warm, not too cold.

And as it went on, it became so very real...I could feel the texture of the ball as I held it, the wood-y feel of the golf tees, the rubber of the grips on the clubs.

There was nothing special, no epiphany. Just a nice day in the company of friends, things happening rather slowly, and I was waiting my turn to hit a tee shot.

Actually...and maybe this is significant...a 'do-over' at a shot I had mishit.

And then I cam back to a reality that felt more dreamlike than where I had just been.

I was so disappointed that I had not been able to take that swing...but if I had, I am convinced I would not have been able to return.

The offered do-over was my offer to come back here, or stay there.

On such simple things does life lie.

The understanding of what had happened was a cold blade...and the dogs were very, very solemn. They were scared, and I had some nervous pee to clean up. (Theirs, not mine!)

I didn't want to go. I did not want to go.

It's not that it was scary; it was nice. But there are things to do here. There's work to do, and there is help I can still give.

If there are skeptics out there, thinking, well, you passed out, and had a fever-dream...there was no dreamlike quality. I, as you, have had plenty of 'dreams'. This was something unique.

Was it oxygen deprivation? I can speak to that, as I have been deprived of oxygen, and had a 'dream' in that state...and it's quite different. This had structure, coherence, a future. The oxy-deprived hallucination was like being caught in a pale, nonsensical loop.

So the message I can bring you, from the other side, as it were, is that there's nothing to fear. The transition won't hurt.

You won't know that you made a transition...unless you go back.

And Heaven is not a place of static perfection. If you play golf...you'll still hit bad shots. I assume that if you fly aeroplanes, you can crash them. I'm looking forward to that.

And there are limits. You can only hit a golf ball so far. There is wind, and there are bad bounces.

But how could it be otherwise?. God made us to rise to challenges...will we hang up His careful work for Eternity?

It seems that we won't, and that we'll have fun facing the things that try our patience and test our skills now.

So there is this, that what we do here is important.

OUR LIVES HERE MATTER.

You may find that, however attractive the end of pain may be, however great the longing to be in God's presence, to see loved one's...

Duty will call you back.

Let it. It means you're not done.

And that's all.

The aftereffect of all this (I am writing a few words an hour later than the above) is exhaustion, a bit of disorientation, and the feeling of wanting to look carefully at everything around me.

And there's a lot of pain, and I'm puking...and I suspect that definitely means I'm still alive.

PS - Still upright, and learned that the prompt is REGRET.

Do I regret coming back? No.  There may be a longing for Heaven, yes, but I would not even put it as strongly as that. It's there, that's all, and one day I'll be there.

I might prefer to miss some things that lie ahead in this life, sure, but I can't say, I wish I were in Heaven now!

That would be kind of ungrateful for the here and now. All will come in its own time. I can live, and die, with that.

Oh, darn. Just learned it's FORGET.

Well, it's an experience I'll never forget. OK?

The musical inspiration for this post came from the Gin Blossoms...

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