Pastor Bobby was talking about the need to face our fears, to have hearts of courage. That facing the monsters is the only way to make them go away.
Except.
Some monsters aren't going to go away. They will follow you, and they will kill you. Your courage means nothing to them.
Don't get me wrong...I like Pastor Bobby, and watch Hour of Power regularly. But in this case, he's only right up to a point.
Courage fails because it's contained in a human vessel, and faith quails under the fatal storm. You may never reach this point. I hope you don't, because it sucks.
So what's left?
Showing up.
Neither courage nor faith is, at the end of all things, at the darkest of dead-ends, a choice. But you always have a choice to show up.
For the caregiver, it's putting on the smile that you don't feel, stifling the complaints and the tears that are tearing your soul, and sitting on the floor with someone who's vomiting or worse, snappish or bitter or unresponsive. It's extending the hand that you want to clutch to your own throat, and instead of yelling at God, "Why me, damn it?), saying softly, "I'm here".
You want an example, a role model? Look at a dog. The dog's function and honour is to be there.
Not an accident that dog spelled backwards is God.
for the patient...and I use that word now, having misplaced the pride of self-sufficiency...showing up means staying engaged with a future I do not believe that I will see. It means working on the novel I'll never see published, and working to fix a relationship that needs far more time than I have.
Not in hopelessness, a kind of self-pitying martyrdom ("Well, I'm trying to the end, poor me!") or in hope, but because the positive outlook that I can still contribute is a community thing...that I'm not stopping, that I'm still here...maybe it will help someone else to hang around as well.
You don't show up for yourself, or for even God. You show up for the people around you.
If you can.please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Andrew, I'm so thankful you commented on my blog which lead me to yours. I count it a privilege to pray for you and your dear Barbara as you navigate your way home. May God bless you with physical comfort and endless grace today. "Showing up" is the hard part in many of life's situations, none more so than yours. And showing up takes courage - and strength - and faith. Keep pressing on, Andrew. Your work here is clearly not finished yet. Blessings, Lisa @lisacook1914.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteLisa, thank you so much for being here! I truly appreciate the prayers, as things have gone,physically, from bad to REALLY bad.
DeleteBut I am still here, and will remain.
Making sure your wife is cared for and sharing what you love about her where she'll see or hear it when you're gone will mean a lot to her. I'm speaking from experience.
ReplyDeleteJanet, thank you for this. I am doing my best; it's a hard grace to think through - and act through - but I can see the need, and the blessing it will give.
DeleteWe are here with you!
ReplyDeletePraying that God helps you continue to see how the here-and-now still has value, despite everything.
Sarah, thank you so much! My friends...YOU...are a huge part of what makes the here and now worthwhile.
DeleteWell, it's not the 1st time that your dogs have been excellent teachers, Andrew. Great lessons.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes. Sometimes showing up is the only thing that needs to be done.
They are good teachers...and they teach one another, as well. Where I had one service dog, now I have two - one trained by the first - and several who are learning.
DeleteShowing up yesterday and today has been hard. There are times it would be so easy to give up! But those are exactly the wrong times to quit.
Thank you so much for being here, Linda.
Courage and faith may not be a choice, but you have both, Andrew, which is why you keep choosing to show up. You may never benefit from this obedience, but others do, and will. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, June...it is, seriously, the thought that others might get something from this experience that keeps me going. I'm beginning to learn that my life was never really about me in the first place.
DeleteAndrew, SO MUCH THIS: "You don't show up for yourself, or for even God. You show up for the people around you." Courage is a hard thing. I am reminded of the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz. God knows what we need. Still continuing to pray for you and Barbara, friend.
ReplyDeleteOh, how I love the Cowardly Lion, Tara! You gave me a big smile, there (but then...you always do, just by being here).
DeleteI so appreciate the prayers. These have been hard, hard days, and I have lost a lot of ground.
Tara...Andrew, I also liked that statement; because those are the ones who really count...yourself, God (and also "dog", your sidekicks!) and those around you. It IS hard to be courageous in the face of...yeah, the face of THIS. Your words, though hard for you to write or even to think about, are taken to heart and inspire those who read. Prayer as always, Andrew; as you move on toward your HOME...I pray if the time ever came for me, or WHEN because we WILL at some point be headed HOME...I pray I can be as open and sharing and...faithful as you have been!
ReplyDeleteHUGS and LOVE to you both!
Barbara, thank you...your words and thoughts mean so much!
DeleteIt's been a very hard process to write, lately, because the lessons are much closer to the bone, but the thought that someone might see hope where they had only seen darkness makes it worthwhile.
We so appreciate the hugs and love! The past few days have been a mess, and I've lost ground.
Andrew, choosing to show up each day, to be present and readily available for our loved ones, no matter what, so often takes raw courage, faith, inner resilience and strength of character - all of which you have in abundance. As energy fades and a body protests its mortal frame, your spirit shines forth with beautiful brightness and clarity.
ReplyDeleteThe passage toward HOME can be a painful one for many and its harsh reality is evident in your words. But the thing that hits us harder is the sheer grit and determination you show in showing up to love Barbara (and those dear dogs) with every ounce of effort you can muster. Truly wonderful and truly humbling.. blessings and prayers to you both.
Oh, Joy! This is so precious to me. I have no words, but to say, thank you!
DeleteThe past few days have been very, very tough, and I was not sure I would even be able to frame replies...but the act of doing so makes your original comment all the brighter in my heart.
And we so appreciate the prayers!
Isn't that sort of a relief, that you/we don't have to pretend courage, act fearless, or be stronger than we are? To just be who we are, with all we have to offer? In fact, no performance and no apology... no, 'I'm sorry I'm not stronger, sorry I'm doing this so inelegantly, I'm sorry for the mess, the tears, the trembling...' A perfect and necessary humility, and trust that that is enough. Loved and cherished as you/we are.
ReplyDeletePraying for continued grace, as ever.
It is definitely a relief, Ruth, not to have to pretend...and not to be ABLE to hold up the pretense. It was quite a burden, and looking back...faintly silly, in the way that the very young adult can be silly in seriousness.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers. Need them, badly, as recent days have been horrid.
Andrew, your words . . . they hold raw truth and power. You may not feel courageous, or like faith is helping much. But this I know, your words, your transparency, speak to many hearts. They inspire and challenge and encourage. I see you as a person who seeks to live well in the showing up. You're showing up for Barbara, and for your dogs. And, you're showing up here and at so many of our blogs. Your words speak life and courage and hope, even when you don't feel it.They have eternal value because they point your readers to Jesus (purposefully or not :) ). Thank you for showing up, my friend. I'm continuing to pray for you, Barb and your dogs.
ReplyDeletejeanne, this means so much, what you have said...and yes, I do have an agenda...that of pointing people to Jesus! It is my life's work...and death's work, come to think of it.
DeleteI wish I had that overt faith that would allow praise and worship, or the Jesus Is My Best Friend experience...but I find that faith is actually folded away, tucked into the pockets and folds of my metaphorically torn clothes, to be found exactly when I need it.
Thank you for the prayers, Jeanne. I - and we - need them. The past few days were at the edge of endurance.
Andrew,
ReplyDelete"It's extending the hand that you want to clutch to your own throat, and instead of yelling at God, "Why me, damn it?", saying softly, "I'm here"."
And you continuing to "be here" even when escape is so much easier. Choosing to be present in the midst of pain.
All we can take away are our relationships. For better or for worse, that will be our legacy with each person. You have recently been highlighting the importance of self-care so that the verbal abuse and negativity and fear don't overwhelm a lifetime of care and love.
It is not defeat to call oneself a patient. Truly we all have sickness in need of a Great Physician. But, it is the willingness to be served and to offer what one has that is the nobility of death-faced persons. We are not all looking death squarely in the face, as we are afraid to see it. You have stared it down and are at times wondering why it doesn't just come. Though the puzzle remains, you may have said it best with your final line this time.
"because the positive outlook that I can still contribute is a community thing...that I'm not stopping, that I'm still here...maybe it will help someone else to hang around as well."
We exist for community. "It is not good for man to be alone."
Your writing has excelled even as your difficulty in writing has increased. Well done, Andrew.
-Tammy
Tammy, this means so much to me - thank you. It took me a LONG time to realize that relationships are really everything, in terms of the legacy we leave...and, I suspect, in terms of the love we are permitted to carry into Heaven, because how we love others is that reflection of the shared love between us and Jesus.
DeleteAnd it was SOOO hard to accept the appellation - 'patient'. But that pride is done, and yes, we really are all patients...in that the church is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for the rest of us.
Again, Tammy...thank you. Your words are a treasure, and a balm to a heart that has often ached with dread. Not of death, but of pain...and pain with purpose CAN be borne.