- I was becoming increasingly concerned that the 'face' of God I was describing did not fit in with the personal experience of the Almighty that I presume many readers have, and that I might be undermining faith rather than strengthening it.
- I almost died a couple of time, and as I write this - it will be short - I doing beaucoup crappy. There's the return of a tropical illness along with all else, characterized by very high fever, a badly swollen tongue (and drooling that would put a bloodhound to shame)and my old, dear friend...incontinence. Is it Miller Time yet?
The second thing doesn't need much more description, but the first kind of does.
I am a Christian. I believe in God, and that Jesus His only begotten (NOT 'made') Son was both to Earth, killed as a sacrifice for our sins, and rose from the dead.
I believe it because it rings true, and according to Occam's Razor is the simplest solution that covers the entire situation.
The Apostles would have been madmen to follow a faith that they knew was false to death. There's no indication that they were.
Same for Paul; there's nothing in his writings to indicate lunacy (as opposed to, say, Sylvia Plath, whose mind was clearly an out-of-balance hamster wheel). And yet he deliberately took actions which he knew would lead to his execution.
You don't that for, say, a hash-pipe vision.
I believe, strongly, and my faith does not waver. But I don't have the kind of personal relationship with Jesus that I believe is necessary.
I would love to be able to talk with Him as a friend, honour Him as a King, and to take joy in falling on my face to worship His as God. I would love to have morning conversations with the Holy Ghost and I have tried. But that relationship's a will 'o the wisp, remaining just out of reach.
So I am OK where I am, but there are other things...when asked to see God as 'awesome', I don't. From where I stand, it hurts too much, each individual moment is just too hard. I believe in His presence, and sometimes feel it...as I did this morning, as I am writing this. There was a clear directive..."get off your ass and write the thing...you owe it to them, you owe it to Me, and you owe it to yourself".
But right now the shining glory, and gleaming towers of the New Jerusalem...there's too much blood here. (Barbara's comment..."You puked that much blood and weren't going to mention it?")
The Hand that God extends to me is slippery with my blood, and His Face is begrimed with the powder residue of the rifle He's been firing to cover me while I'm down. He's sweaty, and his blouse is torn. He's wearing a boonie hat, not a halo.
He is, to me, the Glorious Ordinary.
But this is what I see, and the thought that someone else may lose their picture clear of a more glorious (and, admittedly, more Scriptural) God is haunting, and has troubled me for several weeks.
There, I said it. I was trying to skirt that issue, but oops...there it goes. Part of my perception and experience seems to be at odds with at least a literal reading of Scripture; I don't think it's contrary to a more abstract interpretation, but I am no theologian.
And again, the last thing I want to do is say I'm an authority. This place is supposed to be first, something to help caregivers for a dying husband or wife understand some of the problems unique to that situation in that relationship, and second, something a personal journal of this ultimate in Bad Trips.
Did I just date myself? Mentioning hash pipes and bad trips in one post? Ow, wow, man, can you dig it?
Sorry. Just had to.
So, I have a request...if I have crossed a line, and said something you feel could be damaging to another's faith, would you please let me know? You can do this through a comment - and I would prefer that, since if you have a concern, others should be helped to feel free to air theirs - or you can email me. (<tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com>)
If you can.please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Oh Andrew. You leave me without words. But I do love your honesty and humility. I pray that you walk across the line of faith in a God who doesn't add all up in this life anyway. That is "faith" in my view. But either way you choose, I am your friend and love you and your sweet heart! Prayers being lifted for your health to improve all throughout this day and the next, and the next!
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you so much. The walk of faith can be a tough one, and unless one is careful...it can be fragile. There isthe Thief who'd like to shake me off whatseems to be a tightrope sometimes...but I'm holding on.
DeleteThank you for being here, and for the prayers. I do need and appreciate them.
Everybody's relationship with God looks so different. No need to compare one to another; God made us all unique for a purpose, so naturally we'll relate to him uniquely. So of course you haven't offended me with the things you've said. You're speaking your own truth, Andrew. I appreciate you continuing to share with us despite how weak you must be. Praying for you still....
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lisa. I do appreciate that, and yes...it is hard to find the strength to keep going.
DeleteIt's the prayers of my friends,more than anything, that sustains me.
Andrew, I honour your words and experience. In my eyes, "Glorious Ordinary" is a pretty apt summing up of Jesus Incarnate, one of us in human flesh yet oh so gloriously Other and divine at the same time.
ReplyDeleteMy friend, I also think He meets with us right where we are. Literal Scriptural translations are not always how we experience His presence.
As Christ drips with your blood, He is also covered in it as His sacrificial offering to all mankind. You don't offend here. What you do is open a window on grace in life's messiest of places and on Love coming down to share your living reality.
Keep on keeping it real. You are dearly beloved of God and a dear brother to us all. Praying for you in your latest battles. Your spirited words still inspire and uplift even in your weakness. Bless you.
Joy, thank you for this, and for the poetic and lovely way in which you've framed your thoughts and love. I so appreciate this!
DeleteI'll keep going, and keep keeping it real. (The post that will go live tonight, in fact, is VERY real - in a good way...but, I felt, necessary to write...I am looking forward, with some trepidation, on the comments concerning its reality!)
Andrew, again I appreciate your honesty. You did not offend me. I think so often it can be easy to gloss over the hard stuff which is why I appreciate your honesty. Life isn't all a bed of roses. Yesterday a dear friend was ordained. The preacher preaching shared about a book in his sermon. The book he mentioned was "A Book of Uncommon Prayer" by Bryan Doyle. The subheading is what caught my attention "the miracle and muddle of the ordinary." Yes, isn't that what life is the miracle and muddle of the ordinary. Continuing to pray for you friend!
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you for this, for your kind words and for mentioning Doyle's book. I will look for it.
DeleteI truly appreciate your prayers. Thank you, my friend.
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteone whose faith is undermined by your "different" experience is one whose faith needed to be challenged. My faith was no more challenged by reading "The DaVinci Code" than it is by reading the book of Ephesians. In fact, rarely does an opposing viewpoint cause mine to be less concrete.
Faith comes from the Holy Spirit. And all of us have unique encounters with Him. You do not 'sense' Him the way some do. Does that mean He is any less real? No.
Happy Birthday, as you clearly did not announce or allow celebration. If I'm reading correctly, you are a New Year's babe.
God has chosen to give you the experiences He has, knowing what would come about from them. He knew you wouldn't relate as well to Him emotionally as logically. Emotional persons like myself are comforted by "sensing" His presence.
Truly I wish I had more to offer you, some relief or "out" as it were.
But, I think God has given you your experience because others too, cannot relate to "feeling" God.
You are still ministering, Andrew. Do not give up hope that your words matter. Every effort to speak truth is a slap in the face to the one who wants you destroyed. He is a liar.
Courage, friend!
~Tammy
Tammy, your gracious words do indeed offer relief, like a cool drink on a desert noon. You phrased things so well, and helped shape a context for me that I had not seen.
DeleteMy birthday was December 30; It isn't something I tend to announce or celebrate, because I far prefer celebrating for and with others...their special days and successes. It just means so much more.
And I won't give up. My stock of courage has run out, but I take it now - and take strength - from the prayers of my friends.
Andrew...you are experiencing our God and His Son from where you are; and that is all that any of us can do! I don't always "feel" Him; I don't always "hear" Him...I just KNOW He is there and as I read in the Bible, I know He cares for me - and YOU and all of us - and I know He directs my paths, though I don't always walk the way in which He direct me to go...so He has to change His plans to guide be back to the right path.
ReplyDeleteYour situation, and the journey you travel at this time in your life, is unique to many of us. Would I have such feelings to share my life, what I was going through, if I were in your shoes? Would I be so open to share as I went through whatever "journey" was before me?? I don't know the answer to that!
Your words inspire; they bring us together as your prayer warriors, to be here for you, as you are here for us in sharing your words...I think I am rambling; but know that there is not offense here and that I truly "feel" your words as do many of us! And prayers do continue for you and Barb!
Not rambling at all, barbara. You said this beautifully, and your kindness is dear to my heart.
DeleteThese posts are getting increasingly hard to write; physically, and in the sense of having to face and express things that I would prefer, sometimes to avoid (just wait until the next one, going live tonight).
I don't have the strength to do it on my own, but am borne aloft by you, my friends. The living hands and heart of Jesus.
This blog post is cool, man. Thank you for speaking the truth as it applies to your life. We are all unique and therefore our relationship with Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit are all one of a kind. Prayers for a good nights rest for you and Barb and that the Good Lord let's you "keep on truckin'" (now look whose dating herself.)
ReplyDeleteMichele, thank you, and I will keep on truckin'. Speaking some of those truths is hard, and challenging, because I have to define what can be inchoate in my heart, and I can only hope that there's value - and faith - to be found, because I have received so much, from the Almighty, and from my dear, praying friends.
DeleteThank you so much for being here.
Andrew, I went through a patch where I could not "sense/feel" God's Presence and a friend reminded me that our feelings come and go, but the Lord is always and ever present, whether we feel Him or not. It's what faith is all about: resting on the promises of His Word.
ReplyDeleteIn asking God for direction and wisdom for my next post, I came to read Hebrews 2 and it resonates with what you shared: (verse 1) "It's crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we've heard so that we don't drift off." And that's what you're doing, even as your body and senses cry out for you to let go of your firm grip. Thank the Lord that He is with you even now (verse 18): "That's why He had to enter into every detail of human life. Then, when He came before God as High Priest to get rid of the people's sins, he would have already experienced it all Himself - all the pain, all the testing - and would be able to help where help was needed."
I love that, Anna..."feelings come and go, but the Lord is always and ever present". That sums it up.
DeleteAnd yes, His experiencing the pain and humiliation and heartache...knowing that, not necessarily 'feeling' but KNOWING...that is so important to me.
Thank you so much for being here!
I read this post with interest. I read it a second time, with interest. As writers, we know perceptions can be all over the place. I find myself troubled in a similar way. I don't want my words, the spiritual content, to be misleading or inaccurate. The only solution I have found to this dilemma, is to write for God ( what I believe He has given or taught me) and then let Him take care of the rest. I do know people will misunderstand, but that can't be helped. Christ picked fishermen to follow Him. "His face was begrimed....." while He covers you, sounds reasonable to me. That's part of what He did at the cross and part of what He continually does for us. He is asking you to be a water walker, like Peter. And then He says to you, "It is I. Do not be afraid."
ReplyDeleteI hope you are getting some relief. Still praying, my friend.
Norma, that is beautiful..."write for God". I never thought of it that way, but I hope with all my heart that it's what I'm doing.
DeleteBy far the biggest relief these days comes from the prayers of my friends. I feel them in the air around me, and even though it's a freezing-mud day outside, I'm warm.
Thank you so much for being here, Norma. You are in my prayers.
prayers and thoughts for you, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Rachael. That means the world tome; prayers are everything, and more.
DeleteDear Andrew, the fact that you are concerned about causing a brother or sister to stumble tells me much about your heart. (Rom 14:21; 1Cor 8:13) What the others have written is true, each of our walks with Jesus look different. Because we are individuals. Nothing you have written has offended me, or caused me to doubt, or stumble. It has caused my heart to ache, at times, because I wish for you that closeness with God that you say you don't have. But God knows much better than either of us why that is, perhaps it is simply not for you this side of heaven. Your heart and spirit yearn to obey Him, that is a gift. God bless you, Andrew. My prayers are sincere for you and for Barbara . . . daily.
ReplyDeleteJune, thank you...I so appreciate what you've said, and it's brought comfort and peace to my heart.
DeleteI wonder if perhaps the personal relationship with Jesus, in my life, is being made manifest through the love and prayers of my friends? Because truly, I see His Hands and Heart in action.
Thank you so much for being here, and we truly appreciate the prayers!
Andrew, we need more real in the Christian faith. The Christian faith isn't pretty...it's bloody, it's ugly. It's a BATTLE! He never promised us a rose garden-a little later, but more my era :) I get tired of the "positive" Christianity. The negative and ugly is necessary.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's personality is different. I would expect nothing different in your description of God from you, a military guy. He becomes all things to all men, he is spirit, without physical form, only Jesus had physical form and our pictures certainly don't depict his likeness as what could be true (Caucasian?) Many people think angels are cutsie little beings with delicate wings too, but really? Warriors aren't wimpy looking, they're chiseled and strong, no cutsie angel could have wrestled Jacob. Make no excuses friend. You're dying and soon you'll know the glorious ordinary better than we who are left behind. Please keep writing as you can. The world needs to see the "ugly" dying. The true and real "brave" being real about puking "that much" blood. And yes, I know you have no choice to live or die, and would chose to live if you could, but truly who of us does? Each of us has numbered days, for most of us it's not as evident as yours appear to be. Each of us, unless death knocks first, will grow old no matter how much oil of olay we use or how many botox treatments we have and Clairol can only cover the gray for so long. Facts do not change.
You and Barbara are often in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs through the blood to both of you.
Christy, I love the way you said this. You've given me a big smile, with your forthright words and fiercely faithful heart.
DeleteI'll keep going, and doing my best to face the hard issues of the situation (as you'll see if you happen to look in on the next post, going live tonight...one I NEVER thought I would write).
We truly appreciate the love and prayers. Thank you for being here, my friend.
Well, that post you mentioned? I would have never expected to read, lol. I'm resisting a cleaver comment because you've left yourself wide open, but I will...for the sake of decency. Seriously now, All wives need to hear the words you spoke, with or without your need for relief. Yes, you woke her, but what better reason? I'm certain she's been woken for less noble causes during your illness. I'm thankful God taught you the lesson, even in dying. Sometimes God has to take us to the hardest places to learn the largest lessons.
DeleteAndrew, you are real. That never offends me. And until we see God face to face, I imagine everyone has a different image of Him. And everyone has a different relationship with Him, per say. I think of my friends ... they are all different. I'm the same, but they are all different ... and I meet a different need, type of friendship type of need for each one of them. You know? And according to where we are on this journey. God remains the same ... but we dare not put Him in a box. And as much as you are thinking about Him, regardless of how that varies at each stage of your illness, you are thinking about Him, walking with Him ... give your inner thoughts to Him. Invite Him. And don't worry if you are doing right or wrong. You are you ... just the way God made you. Just the way He knows you. Just the way He glories in you.
ReplyDeleteShelli, you truly have a writer's heart, you said this with such grace and clarity. Comparing God's relationship with us with the different friendships we have...that is just perfect, and so true!
DeleteI appreciate you, my friend.
We each wear our faith differently. The best gift we can give each other is authenticity. Be real, man. If others are offended, that is theirs to own.
ReplyDeleteBe at peace in the process. God loves you so ...
Thank you so much, Linda. In seeing the comments here, all loving, all so much more insightful than I can ever be...I'm given the heart and the courage to go on.
DeleteI am at peace. And I am so glad you're here.
Thinking of you and praying you remain strong and courageous - and just as God made you. That's what makes you so inspiring, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteKim, thank you so much. As I write this, it's a simply awful night, and your words have lifted my spirits more than you may know.
DeleteI've been trying to stop by all day, and I'm so, so glad I finally have a few minutes. Andrew, your way of expressing your relationship with God has opened my eyes and added to my understanding of who God is, and how He meets each of us. He says things to you He's never said to me. But, we're two different people, with two different relationships with Him. I love reading your utter honesty as you grapple with Jesus. I love seeing where He's brought you over the past few years.
ReplyDeleteThose who only see the cleaned up God are missing so much of who He really is. He's in the trenches with us, dealing with our mess, walking with us through our struggles, holding our heads . . . even when they're bloody. He is God WITH us, and that includes in the mess of life's hard.
Simply beautiful today.
Jeanne, please pardon my delay in replying. It's been an awful few days, and this evening is a new nadir.
DeleteYou said this so beautifully, about the individuality of our relationships with God. I love this, and I so admire your wisdom!
I've been working through a difficult and challenging book by a friend and fellow Christian. IN what I read less than an hour ago she was talking about the very narrow boundaries of most churches. If you want to be part of us you believe what we believe and behave as we behave. It's how we generally do church, but it's not how the Bible shows us Christian life. Jesus case the net much wider and was far more inclusive than we find comfortable.
ReplyDeleteAll that to say we need diversity, and we need to be confronted and challenged. Have you pushed up against some lines? No doubt. Have you offended some? For sure. Are you doing what God wants? I for one say YES!.
Paul, thank you, and you're so right about those ecclesiastical boundaries. I ran across an absurd one recently...a Bible college professor who thought that the KJV is the only valid Bible, and that one in Aramaic, say, would be heretical.
DeleteI would LOVE to see him explaining that to Jesus.
Thank you so much for being here. I feel the love of God...as He is, to me, and I'm grateful for that.
I think "glorious ordinary" is such a perfect phrase to describe God-become-man -- our society has become very comfortable with Jesus the friend, and while that is a characteristic I value so much in Christ, there is no question in my mind that he is also a warrior, gaining the victory over death and darkness for us no matter the messy, painful cost. I have to say that your battlefield perspective seems pretty Biblical to me!
ReplyDeleteI also think your honesty and authenticity glorify him very much.