A lot of ground lost, and more pain than I thought I could bear.
But in the midst of it all, I still think that God is on my side. But it's the way I think, and that is what I have to stress.
The hardest part of caregiving is that you really only have half of the puzzle-pieces...you can't know how your loved one is really feeling (and this goes for the dying spouse, as well, not being privy to the caregiver's perspective).
This may be the most telling in conversations of faith; there can be a total disconnect...for me, for instance, saying "God loves us because He said so in the Bible" cuts no ice. If I didn't have a carefully reasoned and solid framework, both experiential and logical (see my book Faith In The Night), for believing that, I wouldn't. When you're on the bathroom floor in a foetal position, vomiting blood, it can be hard to feel loved.
But from the other side, I look like a doubter, and if I press my thoughts too hard, I can shake the faith of someone whose life has been based around literal acceptance.
I am not saying I'm right, or that my perspective is in any way superior...it's just different, and both caregiver and patient have to see that there are some views that their mate sees while they, themselves, cannot.
We are linked with Messy Marriage.
I did not think I would get this written for today, Monday the 30th. As mentioned above...it was bad.
Please comment; I truly value your input. I will do my best to reply
here's another ebook that is now live on Kindle..."PTSD And The Holidays - Helping The Veteran You Love". If you'd like a copy, please either click on the cover to go to Amazon or email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll send a PDF. It;'s short, but if you're dealing with PTSD, it may help.
I'd also like to mention, again, the other two new short ebooks.
The first is "Faith in the Night", which describes why, in the face of a life that has largely fallen apart, I still have faith, and still feel loved by God...and why I still want to live.
The second is a Christmas story, "Angela - A New Mexico Christmas". It's about a boy, his grandfather, and the cow that saves their lives in a blizzard...but she's part of a beef herd, and can the rescued become the rescuers?
If you'd like one or both, you can email me (tempusfugit02(at) gmail (dot) com) for a PDF, or click on the covers to go to the Amazon Kindle pages. They's both 99 cents.
I believe God is still on your side too, Andrew....
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lisa. Though we do have words sometimes, Him and me...He's here.
DeleteI'm with Lisa, and it sure appears that, like Paul, you also are persuaded that "neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
ReplyDeleteWow...Michele, thank you for that. Truly.
DeleteLifting you and Barbara up in prayers, my friend. Immanuel, God with us--with you and your wife on this very hard day.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Anita. Things have taken a decided turn for the worse...but not in the question of faith.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers!
Wisdom,
ReplyDeleteAndrew. That is what you have gained. You have (through necessity) separated yourself from the emotions of pain and glee. Love is not (and never will be) a feeling, but is a choice. God chose you before you were formed, and He does not regret His choice to love you. We are so temporal. Your faith is not based on your feelings, but on truth. On a solid foundation instead of fickle feelings. I could not source this quote, but I've heard it often. (Is it love, or is it gas, that strange feeling that just passed?)
Still, an experience, especially of the supernatural, we are limited in description other than how our senses perceived it. Praying your supernatural senses will be heightened in the next few days. Much love to you and Barbara!
-Tammy
And, no sorries needed for delayed responses. We are just happy to encourage you.
Tammy, your wisdom and humour are so refreshing...and so fun! I am very, very grateful for your presence here.
DeleteThe prayers are very, very appreciated.
Andrew, I so appreciate your gut-level honesty. Having a foundation based on truth, not on feelings, helps us to hold to truth even when feelings tell us to abandon it. Thank you for sharing the understanding that a caregiver and the one being cared for will have different perspectives and understandings of the illness and its effects. I hadn't considered this. Knowing
ReplyDeleteGod loves you, and clinging to that truth—especially when "love" looks very different from what we're trained to believe—can be its own sort of strength. I so wish there was another way to give you comfort. In the meantime I continue to pray for you and Barbara, my friend.
Jeanne, thank you. There were so many things that I, too, took for granted in an assumption of a 'shared couple's perspective'...but seeing and having to understand the sometimes profound differences have been quite a trip, in every sense of the word.
DeleteYour prayers are so very appreciated, my friend.
God IS on your side, and you're making Him proud. Sending my thoughts and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteGot your Christmas story off Amazon, and looking forward to reading it.
Sarah, thank you so much for visiting and especially for the prayers...and I hope you enjoy 'Angela'; I sure enjoyed writing about her.
DeleteI hate that you're taking a turn for the worse, Andrew. I pray every day for you that God gives you the grace to bear up under the pain and that He eases your pain too. I think it would be so easy to doubt or at least vacillate under the weight of your plight. You are human and as humans we cannot handle very much ... although you seem to handle much more than most. I am grateful for your free pdf that you sent me and will purchase your "Faith in the Night" book. It sounds like a great topic from one who knows what it's like to find your faith in the darkness of night. Prayers are always being lifted, my friend!
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you so much! I am very grateful for the prayers - there is no way I could keep going without them. That knowing, alone, has made everything else worthwhile, because I can witness to it.
DeletePrayer works; being held in Love is so vital.
Another great post, Andrew!
ReplyDeleteI am reminded of the time my oldest son announced to me that he was having doubts about whether God actually exists. I think he expected me to be shocked and to try to dissuade him. Instead I said, "Oh, good! Until you've questioned the basis of your faith you haven't really made it yours. It's not enough to believe because you were taught to. You must learn to believe because you have tested and found it to be true. Let me know if I can help you or recommend any reading materials."
He looked at me wide-eyed and said, "Okay. Thanks for understanding."
Today, he and I see things very differently, but we both have a strong faith in God and a strong love and respect for each other.
Thanks for posting!
Your wisdom is a stable and sure footing. Thanks for sharing the struggle and the hope, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteThe heart is deceitful above all else. I'm so thankful you know the Truth, Andrew, even when you can't feel Him or see His footprints in the sand next to yours, He IS there, carrying you, close to His heart.
ReplyDeleteJust know that He IS there with you and I know you know this! We don't always act/react in that way; but we know how we feel. And we don't always know how our spouse feels, whether they are the care-giver or the care-receiver...but He IS there with you every step of the way...dare I say, at some point, all the way Home!
ReplyDeleteJust know that He IS there with you and I know you know this! We don't always act/react in that way; but we know how we feel. And we don't always know how our spouse feels, whether they are the care-giver or the care-receiver...but He IS there with you every step of the way...dare I say, at some point, all the way Home!
ReplyDelete