Sunday, November 1, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 77 - En Brera

We are linked to Inspire Me Monday and Wedded Wednesday.

 En brera means no alternative in Hebrew, and to understand what is in your mate's mind, when he or she is fighting for life,

And life, participation in life, is important. Being part of something...the workforce, the community, the circle of friends, and as the circle shrink, the family and the couple...this is what makes us human.

 Man was not meant to be alone. Terminal illness can be the ultimate isolator, and caregivers can be unwitting accomplices.

You have to look beyond the toll that participation is going to take on your mate, because stepping back from life takes a larger one, the feeling of being set aside from the rest of humanity.

It's so tempting to urge someone who's in significant discomfort or outright pain to 'be nice to yourself; rest, and don't worry about getting out and about'.

And it's tempting for that individual, for two reasons. One is obvious; no one wants to hurt more, and being let off the hook in an understanding way can seem like a huge relief.

The second is more insidious..."I'm not really needed after all; it doesn't matter if I show up in the world or not".

Once that has taken hold in the soul, it's hard to go back. Once a person feels as if he or she is disposable, certain thought patterns are begun, a combination of fatalism and a negative sort of defiance ("If I'm not needed after all, why tey?) that are very hard to overcome.

Hard to overcome because part of the newly-adopted paradigm is a kind of cynicism, that willlook at every future attempt to convince that one really is important to friends, family, and community...as condescension.

It's like being a newlywed, and being told by your husband that you're a lousy cook. It takes time to learn, but when will you even believe him when he compliments your cooking? It'll take years.

And the terminally ill don't,typically, have years.

So please, encourage as much engagement as your mate wants to pursue...and when necessary, give nudges.

We all need to be part of something...even unto death.
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14 comments:

  1. Lisa notes...November 2, 2015 at 9:16 AM

    Good thoughts, as always, Andrew. You're making me wonder....can I apply this same principle to people who aren't dying, but who are discouraged, depressed, etc.? I typically say, "Just rest! For as long as you need." And while that is good temporary advice, maybe I just need to make sure it's not permanent advice, lest they too start to think they're not needed anywhere if they can "rest" all the time and not be missed in the world.

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    1. AndrewNovember 4, 2015 at 10:32 AM

      Lisa, exactly...this can and should be applied in all of our relationships. We're meant to participate, and given too many 'passes', self-worth begins to erode.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  2. blestbutstrestNovember 2, 2015 at 11:14 AM

    Now you've got me thinking about how I can engage people in showing up--to let them know that their presence really is vital to the community. There is a time to rest and there is a time to show up!

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    1. AndrewNovember 4, 2015 at 10:34 AM

      Anita, you're absolutely right...and we generally need less rest than we think (or that those around us, in trying to be compassionate, may think).

      Showing up lifts everyone.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  3. Janet Ann CollinsNovember 2, 2015 at 11:44 AM

    Internet contacts aren't anything like face-to-face ones, but I hope all your online friends help to alleviate the loneliness at least a little bit.

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    1. AndrewNovember 4, 2015 at 10:35 AM

      Jan, yes, they do. My friends whom I will likely never meet have been a very large part of what's kept me showing up, and having whatever engagement I can...and they do alleviate the loneliness.

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  4. Michele'sJoyNovember 2, 2015 at 4:33 PM

    The second is more insidious..."I'm not really needed after all; it doesn't matter if I show up in the world or not".

    Unfortunately, the world views widows as not needed, not wanted because we have "cooties" and what happened to us will happen to them if we are out socializing. There are the Elite 1% who welcome us with open arms but they are hard to find. So it is easy for us to become cynical, hard hearted, and hard for us to trust people.

    Thank you again for sharing your honest feelings my friend. Continuing to pray for you and Barb.

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    1. AndrewNovember 4, 2015 at 10:36 AM

      Michele, I am so sorry that you've had to face this...and you're right. The world is very, very hard on widows. It's shameful; there's no other word.

      Thank you truly for the prayers, and for being here, my friend.

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  5. UnknownNovember 2, 2015 at 7:15 PM

    Oh, yes, Andrew, to be part of something...even unto death. Thank you so much for your words, each post you share - shares so much of your heart and soul; and you continue to do so day after day after day...prayers for you and your wife...continuing!

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    1. AndrewNovember 4, 2015 at 10:37 AM

      Barbara, I so appreciate your being here, and commenting...and most especially your prayers.

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  6. Shelli LittletonNovember 3, 2015 at 8:56 AM

    "We all need to be part of something" ... glory.

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  7. Paul ByerlyNovember 7, 2015 at 6:27 PM

    My friend,

    You are so very much needed. Thanks for showing up today and blessing me more than you can know.

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  8. Sarah Eliza @ devastateboredomDecember 1, 2015 at 1:20 PM

    This is so powerfully true! Being "part of something" really does make all the difference. Proud of you for continuing to live out your part in creation even when it is difficult.

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