We're with Inspire Me Monday, today. Please visit them! We are also linked with Wedded Wednesday.
Well, what should we talk about now?
As a terminal illness takes its toll, and the situation becomes obvious to the most obdurate Cleopatra (queen of de Nile...get it?) options for conversation become limited.
You're likely in the workforce...and your spouse has been, or will soon be, invalided out. Your life may be a swirl of personalities and responsibilities, while your husband or wife may be concerned largely with the effects of medication, and trying to get through the day.
Their main companion, barring attentive friends or neighbors, may be the television.
Common conversational ground may be pretty hard to find.
The best thing you can do, as a caregiving spouse, is to listen. Take your cues from what's being said.
There are many people who, when ill, find a dread fascination in their illness, in what's happeningto their bodies. This isn't narcissism; it's more likely fear, especially if this individual had not been inclined to worry over every sniffle in the past.
And there are those who would prefer to say nothing, either out of denial ("if I don't talk about it it might go away") or a deep-seated dislike of 'organ recitals'.
The best thing you can do for the tell-all individual is to simply listen, and ask leading questions, even if you feel like you want to scream, bang you head against a wall, and jump out the nearest window.
I mean, it's BORING!
And if you're married to someone like...well, like me, and you have to pull teeth to find out how he or she is feeling, resist the temptation unless it's absolutely necessary.
As it was this morning; my wife came into the kitchen to find a pool of blood that I had not had the energy to clean up,and when she asked what happened, she was rightly not satisfied with , "Oh, nothing."
Moving to other topics (about time1), you may find that your mate's taken a stronger-than-expected interest in religion. Trinity Broadcasting is available on cable everywhere, and by antenna in many places, and you can get 24-hours-a-day religion. This can be good or bad.
You may find that it suddenly becomes a defining interest, and you'll long for the change to change the channel to Monday Night Football, The Voice...anything!
But even if you feel this way, please, again, have patience and listen, because the questions of eternity loom large in the heart of a person who's going to meet it soon.
You don't have to have answers. But do listen to the questions.
And, finally, feel free to talk about what your day was like, what's important to you.
It makes us feel like we're still a part of the world, that you take the time to include us.
Hi Andrew, I read what you wrote and remembered that the most meaningful conversations my (almost) fiance and I had were the eye to eye conversations, once his ability to speak was taken from him by his brain tumour. The prior conversations we had have long faded but those eye to eye communications remain very vivid in my mind. These remain my most treasured memories ever...Thanks for sharing. Blessings
ReplyDeleteOh, my. Thank YOU for sharing.
DeleteThis is a lovely, precious comment. I will remember it forever.
"You don't have to have answers. But do listen to the questions."
ReplyDeleteThat's perfect advice for all of us, Andrew, in any stage of life, but yes, certainly in the stages you're talking about. Keep talking to us; we're listening to the things you're teaching us.
Lisa, thank you so much for this. Indeed it is germane through all of life...but I, for one, didn't know it until now.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
Love this post. My husband and I were both always multitaskers and when we were both healthy it seemed like it was okay to have a conversation while we watched TV or had our noses buried in a book - oh, the joys of marriage to a fellow book nerd! Later, though, I learned the value of sitting quietly, with no distractions, and listening. And talking. My husband never acknowledged that he was dying. He hated death and everything about it whether it was his own or anyone else's. But the conversations we had ... as well as the things he didn't say ... they are priceless in my memory now. Talks of faith vs religion, family members and his hopes for them, his sorrow that he couldn't be the dad for our two kids together that he was for his three from his first marriage. So much. This post has brought back many treasured memories of cherished conversations. My husband's journey through illness was 15 years. My mother's was less than 2 months from diagnosis to her death but we had the same kinds of conversations. With them both, I cherish just the quiet moments of listening to them, sharing silly stories, without the distractions that so often interrupt us in the now.
ReplyDeleteShelby, thank you for sharing this. I know thatit musthave been hard to write, and I truly appreciate your taking the time and the strength for it.
DeleteWe all approach death differently, and it can be very hard to predict someone's reaction to their own fate...even if we know them better than anyone.
And we can surprise ourselves.
Thank you so much for being here. I truly appreciate the perspective and transparency you bring.
Thanks for sharing this. I never thought of this issue, so I really appreciate your insight and hope I can remember it for when I might need it. I guess listening and asking leading questions is also a good skill to use with anyone.
ReplyDeleteBetsy, yes...developing the skill to ask leading questions is actually something out of Dale Carnegie, and it's a very good way to make the person to whom you're speaking feel special.
DeleteIt's particularly important to the dying, because one great fear is thattheir stories will die with them.
Thank you so much for being here!
Thanks for sharing this. I never thought of this issue, so I really appreciate your insight and hope I can remember it for when I might need it. I guess listening and asking leading questions is also a good skill to use with anyone.
ReplyDeleteDoes it help to, say, every day remember one good shared experience and relive that? Or at least talk about it--the good, the bad, the ugly? It seems to me that a person, if possible, should die without regrets and if you can engage your spouse in conversation about what was meaningful to you over the course of the relationship, things could be smoothed.
ReplyDeleteFor me, when I pray for people who are dying, I always pray that they will resolve things--that everything needing to be said will be said at the right time and place.
Thoughts?
And blessings to you both.
Michelle, that's an interesting question. I think it depends on a couple of things - personality, and where the dying person is on the 'journey'.
DeleteI personally don't like to reminisce. I spent most of my life trying to forget a lot of what had gone before, and it became a habit.But for those to whom a shared history and tradition, one over which they can meditate together, is important, go for it!
For resolution...I think that also depends on what has to be resolved. Scar tissue over a wound can be ugly, but it can also be durable, protecting the body- the relationship - from further harm. The approach has to be very much by ear, and guided, so that new rifts aren't created...rifts that are impossible to bridge in the time remaining.
Andrew, as always, you've got solid, real advice. I have to say though that your advice is solid and real for ANY relationship. We need to actually listen, to ask leading questions, to be involved (while not smothering). And I hope that Trinity broadcasting is feeding your soul! :)
ReplyDeleteCarol, thank you! You're right - it does work for any relationship, though the specifics - the different places in society that are suddenly magnified - make if more critical when terminal illness is involved. There may be scant time for correction.
DeleteI don't know what I'd do without Trinity. We get it through the antenna - perfect!
And thank you so much for being here.
Great points. My husband and I have had more serious and uninterrupted conversations since my diagnosis. It has been a healing help to know we are on the same page about where I'm gong and why I have no regrets about what I'm leaving behind. Though some days it kills me to think of leaving him alone.
ReplyDeleteOh, Laura! I'm so sorry to hear of your condition, but also glad that you and your husband have been able to find the same page in this fell book.
DeleteAnd when you mentioned leaving him alone...I can relate. I feel the same way.
Thank you so much for being here. You and your husband are in my prayers.
living or dying, the ultimate gift to offer another is listening with every fiber of our being ... without thinking about some quick and easy solution to toss their way.
ReplyDeleteLinda, that says it all. Trying to 'gift' a quick and easy solution to a situation that's fundamentally unanswerable this side of Heaven is simply the wrong thing to do.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
Thank you, Andrew! I am learning so much reading your posts...from the perspective of the "care-receiver". It is so hard to carry on a conversation with my husband; mostly due to his hearing loss...and his memory loss. I need to be more patient and understanding and let him lead the conversation more, or at least paying more attention to what he is saying.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts, your heart!