Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 60 - FUNerals

We're linked with Wedded Wednesday, hosted my the terrific Messy Marriage site.

Some people take the Klingon view of death - it's a transition to eternal life, and the body can be disposed of in the most efficient way possible.

But others like to plan ahead, to the point of taking advantage of prepaid funeral arrangements, and take an active role in the 'program' for their own memorial service.

I take the former view, personally. I don't want people talking about the man I never was, and presenting a Powerpoint show of a life I never had.

The truth of a life is found in the way it's lived, and not in the way it's remembered. I'd rather let the legacy of what I tried to do right be the only memory.

That may be an extreme view. I have a lot of them, so it's not lonely.

But if your mate is a planner...even if you're not, try to join in, because they're trying to tell you something that's very much in their hearts, something they can't directly express.

They're afraid of being forgotten, of being just a picture in a scrapbook that one day just won't be opened.

So they plan...and the funeral is really a way for them to say, "I was here. I mattered."

And sometimes, they want to have a bit of fun with it. Music's often a big issue, and when I dying person thinks about what songs will be sung at his or her funeral...the sad ones are usually shown the door.

No 'Memory 'from Cats.

Van Halen is likely to crash the party with 'Jump'.

Or perhaps it'll be AC/DC taking the stage, with one of the top five memorial-service songs...wait for it...'Highway to Hell'.

This may sound perfectly dreadful, but please, don't through cold water on your mate's plans. This individual is faced with something that's frightening even with the strongest reserves of faith...and isputting a brave, and laughing face on to get through the moment.

You're not going to get renounced by Jesus because you went along with putting AC/DC or Motley Crue on the playlist.

For one thing, if you change it at the last minute, your spouse isn't exactly going to call you on it.

Second, even if you let it stand...so what? Music may have a particular resonance with a person's life; knowing, for example, that it means something to an Iraq War veteran to have the unofficial anthem of that conflict played at his or her memorial service won't place you in the position of an accessory, sending them to hell at the last minute. (The Iraq anthem is 'Bodies', by The Drowning Pool.Here's the link to Youtube, if you're curious, but don't say I didn't warn you. Just remember that this is what resonates with the kids who we sent to die to make the world safer for us.)

It'll mean you understood, and understand, and that you have a sense of humour.

Even in the face of death.

Let the FUNeral begin.

15 comments:

  1. Andrew, great post. I appreciate your insights about the various mindsets and aspects for planning a FUNeral. I hadn't thought about the music selections in the light you shared. But, keeping in mind that certain songs are going to hold a lot of meaning is important. Validating your spouse's decisions, even when you don't quite understand it honors them. I so appreciate your perspective. And I'm continuing to pray for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeanne, thank you for this...for understanding. It's hard for a lot of people to accept what they see as 'questionable' (at best!) music.

      But meaning can be found in strange places. And Jesus didn't hang out with the Board of Elders at His local church.

      If you're curious about the Iraq War Anthem, 'Bodies', here's the link -

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04F4xlWSFh0

      I added it to the post. Meant to, but forgot.

      It's definitely Metal, but I think we should all know what resonated with the kids we sent to die to keep our world safe.

      And thank you for the prayers. As I write this I'm in really horrible shape. I have a few thousand words ahead of me, before I can rest.

      Delete
    2. I listened to the song you linked. It does give some insight to the mindset. :) Thanks for sharing.

      Delete
  2. You do know how to put the "fun" in "FUNeral," don't you, Andrew?! ;-) I had an assignment for a class years ago to plan my funeral or perhaps it was the eulogy, but either way it really causes you to think about a time most of us would rather put off. I can only imagine that you and Barbara don't exactly see eye to eye on how you'd like things to be done. But I'm sure she will honor your wishes and the ceremony will be one that she has a peace about because she knows it's what you would want. Again, you are treading into areas that are often overlooked in the blogosphere. Thanks so much, my friend. I talked with my friend the other day who has a terminal husband, reminding her to come here and visit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Beth, to say we don;t see eye to eye is an understatement. When the mourners - or celebrants - file in, I want them to hear the church-bell overture to "Hell's Bells".

      I think she will honour my wishes, with teeth gritted an fingers in her ears. She'd MUCH rather that Amy Grant's "better Than A Halleluya" is played. I HATE that song!

      And thank you for being here, and for your patience with the delayed response.

      Delete
  3. Yep, you've put this on the table, Andrew. Music has a huge impact on us ... living, dying, remembering.

    Thoughtful words. As ever ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda, thank you so much for this graceful summary. Yes - music has an importance that is very high, because it defines, and is defined by the listener in different stages of life.

      And thank you for being here - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

      Delete
  4. I didn't know Iraq had an anthem either. And I've never thought of the fun in funeral. ;-) I leave it up to you to point out those things to us. Good advice here. And yes, in the end, the person still alive will do whatever they want anyway (whether it's to follow their loved ones wishes or go a totally different direction). I'm with you that it's best not to get too hung up on our own funeral wishes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Lisa...and it is indeed "Bodies". The Toby Keith song "Courtesy of The Red, White and Blue" got a lot of traction here...but over there it was posturing moto (motivational) tripe.

      Marines don't say 'tripe', of course, but this IS a family blog.

      I think Barbara will honour my choices. Van Halen is not a problem, though she may choke on AC/DC.

      But at that point, it'll be her issue, and she's free to do that which she wishes.

      No problem at all for me. I expect God will record it so I can view the festivities at my leisure.

      Thank you so much for being here!

      Delete
  5. This is something we all need to consider. What songs do we want played at our funeral? We need to write these requests down ... and spare our loved ones the decision, when they'll already be facing so much. I think about this sometimes, but I need to do this. For my girls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That, Shelli, is an EXCELLENT suggestion! Thank you for that...and for being here today.

      Delete
  6. FuneralHelper.org is a site that has poems, hymns, movie songs, and lots of other helpful advice for planning funerals. Some of the songs they listed are Dueling Banjo's, I Was Kaiser Bill's Batman, the James Bond theme, the Pink Panther theme and The Good, Bad, and Ugly theme.

    Personally, when my casket is rolled out to the hearse from the service at the church, I want everyone in attendance doing the "YMCA."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YMCA...I'll be singing that from Heaven, with Rommie.

      Delete
  7. FuneralHelper.org is a site that has poems, hymns, movie songs, and lots of other helpful advice for planning funerals. Some of the songs they listed are Dueling Banjo's, I Was Kaiser Bill's Batman, the James Bond theme, the Pink Panther theme and The Good, Bad, and Ugly theme.

    Personally, when my casket is rolled out to the hearse from the service at the church, I want everyone in attendance doing the "YMCA."

    ReplyDelete
  8. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete