Your Dying Spouse 52 - I Want to Live {FMF}

Time for another Five Minute Friday, the timed and keyword themed writing challenge, hosted by the gracious Kate Motaung.

The keyword this week is YES.

(We're also linked to Lisha Epperson's Give Me Grace and with Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday.)

Execute.

Yes. I want to live.

The past weeks have been difficult, more painful than I could have imagined, and frightening. The pain in my midsection (along the lower margin of the ribs, and in the back, on the right side) feels like I've been chainsawed. Straightening up is hard. Walking is an ordeal - every step with my right foot sends a spear up the leg into my gut.

Eating is a chore. I have to get the calories in, and hydrate. It hurts to eat, but allowing myself the luxury of eating as much as I think I can just starts me down a slope that' can't be climbed again. I have to hydrate, one sip at a time. The calories are counted - I've got to reach a certain intake...

...and maintain the activity level to burn those, and keep my body as fit as I can.

And sleep - the literal stuff of nightmares. The dawn is so welcome!

And that's why, YES, I want to live.

The dawn brings hope. Not the false hope that this will all go away, but the hope that I can transcend this vale of tears, and still do something useful.

Most of the dreams I had are fading. I'm not going to be a successful and renowned author...but I do have one published novel,Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart, and I'm proud of it. Readers like it. So do I.

I'm not going to finish my airplane-building project...but every day I can still do something small, because meaning is, in the end, found in living the process.

Our marriage is not what I hoped it would be, now...Barbara has to help me bathe, and help me dress. She is always wondering, when she leaves for work...will I be alive when she gets home?

And sometimes I'm in so much pain that she wishes God would take me, so I wouldn't have to suffer any more. I understand that. I know the value - and please don't ask for details - of the coup de grace.

But I love her, and she loves me, and sometimes we can share a small joke, or a squeeze of the shoulders that counts for a hug. It hurts too much to hug her properly. But one does what one can.

I like the smell of her hair, and the way the morning and evening lights make her eyes sparkle.

And YES, I still want to live. I want to see the sun rise, and feel its warmth. I want to sit amidst the dogs, and let them play around me - and they're very careful not to hurt me - they know.

I want to read a good book, and see a movie that challenges me to keep going, to look for meaning on those dark days when all seems lost.

And I want to be here. I want to tell you all that this life is worthwhile in the details, even when the big picture is darkening.

That it isn't about what you experience, what you get out of it.

Life is about what you give from where you are.

I'm giving everything I have now.

Endex.

Honesty is hard. It is also required.

There was a song running through my head while I wrote this - Enya's "Book of Days".
Here's the Youtube link, if you care to give it a listen