Thursday, July 9, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 28 - The Only Hope {Five Minute Friday}

Five Minute Friday again, writing by the clock on a keyword provided by the most excellent Kate Motaung. We're also linked with Inspire Me Monday.

Today's word is HOPE.

Weirdly, I had a feeling this would be the word, because of an aphorism that's been running through my head.

And here...we...go...

Una salus victus nullam sperare salutem.

In other words...English ones...this means "the only hope of the vanquished is to abandon all hope of safety, for only in abandoning hope can one possibly find the courage to fight through and win.

It sounds better in Latin.

It sounds kind of nihilistic and rather ruthless...ruthless it is, but nihilistic it's not, because when faced with a desperate and bleak future, there is only one way forward.

That way is the complete abrogation of the temporal 'safe haven' that we all hold in our hearts, the 'happily ever after in comfort and rest' that is so beloved of greeting-card sellers and the makers of romantic comedies. (Note that it's NOT a denial of ultimate safety in Christ...I'm talking about living in the world, here.)

When they say you're dying, and it's just going to get more painful and more difficult, you've basically got two choices. Sink into an increasingly drugged lassitude, or force every step, every action through a wall of pain.

The first way, days turn into weeks when you don't accomplish much, bit you're comfortable. More or less.

The second way, every moment is bright and jagged with pain and fatigue, and everything you do is memorable for all the wrong reasons, that for me involve spitting up blood.

But along with the memory you'd rather not revisit, you've done something. At the end of the day, something's been created or improved or whatever, that wasn't done that morning.

For me, it's the dream of writing. I have a lot to say, I think, or at least a lot that I want to say, but the very act of typing hurts...not to mention trying to sit upright at the keyboard. And occasionally have to clean blood off the thing. I have spare keyboards, and usually let Barb clean the bloody ones.

I can;t do much. I pass out every so often, and have to try to figure out just where I was, and didn't I kill off that character in the last chapter?

But we're a few more words to the good every day.

Is it futile? Am I living a pattern that implicitly assumes a future I very likely won't see?

Sure, probably, but so what?

I'm here NOW, and that future is made manifest as part of my present.

And in this present, today, literally bloody and literally reeling...

I WON.

Endex.

We're linked with Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday...please click the link to see some really good thoughts on marriage!

32 comments:

  1. Wow. Powerful. I have no words. You are strong to fight through and press on. I pray God meets you right where you are. Every. Single. Day.

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    1. Thanks Audra! The strength I may have comes from knowing that I have some pretty awesome Muscle as my backup.

      And He does meet me, every day, every moment.

      It hurts, but I LOVE LIFE!

      And thank you for being here.

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    1. Thanks, Denise. I do need, and appreciate the prayers.

      Thank you for being here tonight.

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  3. Andrew, I continue to be so thankful for your words. It amazes me that you still write even with bloody keys and all. Could you perhaps use a voice to type program? Or is that too painful too? Still praying for you and your family friend! You continue to show me what hope truly can look like.

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    1. I've thought of voice-to-type, but it won't work for me; my speech is too slow and distorted. It's just severe pain, not a neurological issue. I have to talk around it, and since the pancreas is involved - bang goes the diaphragm! But thanks for the thought.

      I do appreciate, and really need the prayers. Today set a record for Awful, but I'm still having fun. God's on my side, and how can I keep from singing?

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  4. Hi Andrew, I only just met you because you stopped over at my place and made me laugh out loud. So, here I am, popping over to your place to say hey, but "hey" seems so inadequate. I waffled about joining up with FMF. Now, I'm so glad I took the challenge, because I got to meet you. I'll go back and read your blog, and pray for you and your family, like I'm a blood relative, because in Christ, I am. Hope against hope... Colleen (aka bringbread)

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    1. Hey, Sister In Christ! I m glad you took the FMF plunge. It's a great group, with a lot of really supportive women (and one knuckledragging semiretired paramilitary operator who happens to be a dude).

      I loved your post - you gave me a big smile, because I heard the "to hell in a handbasket" thing until I was fit to bust.

      And thank you so much for stopping by. That means a lot to me.

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  5. Just smiling - with you today - at the Awful in your life that is being thoroughly mown down by the Muscle on your side. Thanks for the gift of your words, once more.

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    1. ... I mean to say, of course Awful isn't a 'smiling' matter... it's just I sense the Father smiling on you at your attitude to it all, and rejoicing over you. His grace is - and will continue to be - sufficient to overcome it all. Blessings and prayers as ever, for you both.

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    2. Ah, but it is! If you can't smile...and even laugh at this, something's wrong. To wit...and please pardon the bluntness...a while back I threw up very suddenly and violently...right on one of my service dogs. She was most displeased, and even more so by the bath that followed.

      Now when that threaten, she's very quick to circle around BEHIND me. Still supportive, but no longer downrange.

      It really is most hysterically funny to watch..especially her expression...and I think God is laughing as well.

      BTW, I seem to have overlooked your comment when I was replying earlier...wasn't feeling too well. For that I apologize!

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    3. Oh, my! And here's where the British language comes into its own: 'that is awfully funny'. And a smart dog, too. There's joy in the strangest places...

      (also: no worries, no pressure. It's a wonder how you fight through the 'bleurgh' to respond to your blog-visitors as you do).

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  6. Andrew - through your words - I KNOW there is hope...there is HOPE in Christ; and "giving up" is not an option, for any situation that I may find myself in. My life at this point could certainly NOT be considered "awful" no matter how bad I feel - like now, with a bad summer cold; achy all over and stuffiness and sore throat...but, why do I tell you t his?! You have suffered through so much PAIN that a cold, well, that is just nothing!

    I continue to pray with you and Barb, knowing that together - and with God - you are both living through the pain - every day! And there is hope that there will be another day and another and yet another...wishing for you that it was one without the constant pain.

    You continue to be an inspiration to us all!!

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    1. Barbara, a cold is NOT nothing. Pain is pain, and it's not diminished by comparison. You're hurting, you're my friend, and my prayers are with you.

      Try hot lemonade with honey. That always worked for me.

      Thank you so much for your prayers. Things kinda went south the past few days, and I'm trying to adjust to a new and nasty normal.

      But I'm still here, and still happy. It's my choice!

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  7. Amazing words that you've shared! The Latin quote you've shared is very thought-provoking. I am so grateful for your willingness to share this journey you've been on. Praying for you!

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    1. Thank you so much, Carrie. That quote has given me a lot, though the years, and it took those years to find a way to describe it that didn't sound either nihilistic or chest-thumping.

      There are other trips I might prefer to be on, but I'm on this one, for a reason, and I have found a lot of comfort in doing my best to let people know that life is STILL good.

      Thank you for being here, and thank you for your prayers. I appreciate it!

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  8. Andrew,
    oh wow! I got my nerd fix after reading your post today. And who doesn't want to surge forth after a rally like that one? (hoo-rah!) I just realized I have no idea which branch of service you were involved in. I may have used the wrong encouragement. Grace, please.
    You are reminding me of why we admire people (especially underdogs). It's not because they are facing something difficult, but because they are fighting it. People that give up usually don't get that book contract. God rewards persistence. Luke 18:1-8
    (the persistent widow.)

    What is admirable is that you would rather be alert through your pain than be a vegetable. You'd be a pleasant vegetable, but let's face it. People don't really like vegetables. They avoid them from an early age.

    I am so sorry that Barb has to clean your keyboards, and that your diaphragm won't allow you to sing with as much gusto as it used to, but so glad you are still typing.
    It seems because of your unique perspective, the spiritual battle is clearer to you than most of us dull vegetables. We are not as alert to that enemy roaring like a lion.
    Thank you for helping to keep us awake.

    You are Puddleglum, burning your foot to break the enchantment for us poor Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve.

    Blessings to you!

    ~Tammy
    (way down at #71 this week)

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    1. Puddleglum! You absolutely made my day!!!!!! Probably my favorite character from Narnia. No, not probably, definitely.

      Hoo-rah works just fine.

      Yeah, vegetables are a pain after awhile. And it's often not necessary, if we simply don't mind that it hurts (a quote which I stole from Lawrence of Arabia). We have a lot in reserve, in being able to handle pain. I knew a fellow who walked ten klicks, through bad terrain and dense ground cover, holding his intestines in place with one hand and covering his sector with the other - AK in hand (yes, we carried AKs, and no, I won't say why). He got on the exfil bird unassisted, and survived. He didn't want to let us down, and I cannot imagine the pain he was in.

      And I did find you at BIG 71! Great post!

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  9. We wouldn't get very far without hope. Each day is a miracle. Thanks for sharing your journey. There is wisdom in your words. Sometimes we don't know why it has to be so hard, but then we meet someone who is encouraged by our words, and our honesty, and our willingness to show our vulnerability. I had one of those emails yesterday from someone I don't know, and it encouraged me that this walk is not in vain. God bless you,

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    1. Norma, thank you...and isn't it wonderful about the email you got, and how those often seem to come when we need them?

      I think that we are meant to hold hands, links in a chain leading to Heaven.

      Thank you for being here. I appreciate you, and appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

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  10. Keep hoping, keep writing! I love how you stick with it through the pain...that is hope being lived out...it is winning.

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    1. Oh, Amy, those words so lift my heart! Thank you for that! :)

      And thank you for being here. I will keep writing...I promise.

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  11. Andrew, this post sounds sooooo like you. Determined to put your all into each moment. As we find our courage in Christ, we can fight on, even when it seems like we're vanquished. I love and need that reminder. Thank you, my friend. And, I'm continuing to pray for you and Barb.

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    1. Jeanne, thank you. Through all of this, and even when it seems kinda dark (right now, as a matter of fact), I still love life, and I'm still having fun.

      The Gospels, don't say, but I wonder if Jesus felt like this, sometimes? Knowing that within each dirt-clod of pain were contained seeds of hope, joy, and Love?

      What do you think?

      And thank you so much for the prayers. They are very, very important to me.

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  12. Truly when one loses hope, one loses everything. How wonderfully written. :)

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    1. That's exactly right. Thank you!

      And thank you for being here today. I really appreciate your having taken the time to read, and comment.

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  13. I am blessed by your fight and the beautiful writing that results. God has words for you and we need to hear them. Blessed as always that you shared this at The Weekend Brew. Prayers continue for you and your family.

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    1. Mary, thank you so much...as I read your comment in these predawn moments, I am warmed and heartened by your compassion, and your kindness.

      Thank you for being here today, and thank you so much for they prayers. I feel them around me, and they do make a difference.

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  14. Keep on fighting for that next breath and word, Andrew! We're all fighting for you as well, my friend!

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    1. I am fighting for it, my friend. Breath has been a challenge of late (it hurts too much to take a deep one), but the air is that much sweeter for the effort.

      And I do feel you, and everyone, fighting hard for me. There are times when it seems like it hurts too much to rise...and then I remember my friends, and I am drawn up, on the Breath of Heaven.

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  15. You're still having fun? God bless you, Andrew. Never lose hope - or your sense of humor!

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    1. Sure I'm still having fun! Fun, and joy, and hope...they are all choices, and more than that, habits. Looking on the bright side does not mean that one doesn't acknowledge the dark side...but that one is simply making the choice for joy, and in that the Choice for God.

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