Sunday, July 5, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 26 - Morale

We're linked with Wedded Wednesday this week. Please drop by there for some really great marriage resources!

When the horizon starts getting uncomfortably close, it can be really hard on morale - leading to a "why bother" attitude at best, and detachment from life - and self-care - at worst.

Not something you want to see in someone you love, and not something you want to experience yourself...because you, as the caregiver, are also at risk.

The problem's situational (unless there's an underlying clinical depression), but the problem is that situations can set patterns, and those patterns will continue in your life long after you're mate has crossed that horizon, and has disappeared from your ken...at least, for this life.

Consider this scenario - your mate's too ill for an outing to a restaurant, or to the mall, or anywhere. Going out becomes an ordeal.

And, to put it bluntly, there's just so much you can do at home. You can watch DVDs, or listen to music, or play board games, or talk (some couples actually DO talk), but the fact remains that our society has conditioned us to seek entertainment outside the home, as a special occasion, a mini-vacation from work.

Staying home with a sick mate, weekend after weekend, feel like babysitting.

And you do it, because it's the right thing to do.

It wears on you, and it wears on your life. Unless you have a set of exceptionally loyal and compassionate friends, your social contacts are going to wither. Most couples spend time with other couples...and as a "married single" you'll feel out of place anyway.

So after a while, you don't even try. The isolation of the dying becomes yours by default.

But your life is going to go on, as unpleasant as it is to say it, after your husband or wife dies. And you're going to be more isolated that you can imagine.

You'll also be vulnerable, because loneliness is something from which we all want to escape, once we taste how it really feels. There are, sadly, folks out there who look at the newly widowed (and divorced) with a predatory eye.

So...what to do?

  • Go to church, even if you're going alone, if your mate's no longer up to it...and let people know what your situation is, so you can find good groups with which to be involved, good ministries for your skills and resources.
  • Keep up your relationships with your immediate and extended family. A surprising percentage of caregivers start to withdraw from their, and their spouse's families.
  • Be honest with your mate about how you feel, if you are starting to feel isolated. DOn't blame them, obviously - no one wants to be terminally ill - but approach it from the standpoint of keeping yourself on an even keel. Most husbands or wives will understand (though there may, inevitably, be a small amount of hurt...less time with you is more lonely for them); they don't WANT you to be isolated, and will offer suggestions for activities and outlets. If your spouse becomes very upset, or angry, citing feels of abandonment - try to get some kind of counseling, or at least talk to your spouse's primary doctor. Most physicians have seem far too much caregiver stress, and will do their best to help.
  • Speaking of counseling - maintain contact with a counselor, yourself, as periodic 'safety checks'.
  • One thing NOT to do...don't do anything that includes opposite-sex socializing. Don't go golfing with an opposite-sex friend from work, don't take a volunteer shift with an opposite-sexmember of the church ministry tream. Even if it's innocent, it's going to cause pain; the symbolism will be amplified for a dying person. And don't, for Pete's sake, think you can keep it secret...because then it looks like an attempt to hide something deeper.
What can you add?

17 comments:

  1. My dad always kept up with the news his entire life. But in the last weeks of his life, he quit reading the newspaper, stopped watching the news, and basically had no interest in "current" affairs as we knew them.

    You give good advice, Andrew, in every point. As the dying prepare to move on, the ones left behind prepare to continue on here. For now. We all await our turn.

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    1. I've let go of the news, too. The world will go on without me, and my wife and dogs and readers have the rightful claim on my attention.

      For me, it's been a choice, and an easy one - and I can say that my morale is quite high, even on evenings like this - this one really hurts!

      Thanks for being here, Lisa. I really, really appreciate - and look forward to - your comments.

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  2. Such great advice here, Andrew. Especially your last few points. The only other thing that came to mind mind as I was reading was that going through illness and death does change people and the relationships around them. It should. You find out fast who is really a friend. Having a good, godly friend to walk on the other side of this with would be very helpful, so the church and life or home group connections would be a great place to put some time. Thinking of you, my friend. Blessings

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    1. You're right, Kim. It can and shoul;d change things, and can change for the better, if only we let it.

      This sort of situation changes perspectives and values, and burns away the dross that accumulates in life. And there is humour, though it's of the somewhat warped "Pirates of the Caribbean" type.

      Friends are important - both online, and local. The latter would be hard for me, as I struggle to find words when i talk - I have to find my way around pain, and it's made me something of a tiring conversationalist!

      Thank you for being here, my friend.

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  3. you didn't mention your friends who would come to the house. i'm sure you may not be up to it all the time, but having your friends who are able to come by for short visits at scheduled times would be encouraging and fun for you.

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    1. It would be good, but I'm not really up to it - I have trouble keeping up my end of a conversation, as I have to talk 'around' some pretty intense pain (which is not controllable at this point, not even with morphine). But I have the dogs, and they are good listeners.

      Denali the Happy Husky is pretty good at talking back, too!

      Thank you for being here today, Martha.

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  4. It is so important to keep your morale up...yourself as caregiver and the cared for. It is hard to do;especially when you are unable to get out of the house. And, yes, a lot of your "friends" will not be there because they were "couple friends". The DON'T DO's are all good ones. I find myself wanting to have friends of both sexes; but, the thing is, they are no risk to a marriage of man/woman, if you get my drift!! These are just friends from church, and we do lunch after church most Sundays...

    As always, the advice you share is good for all relationships; for all kinds of situations...thank you for sharing your good advice! Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers - both of you!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Barbara - your situation makes your comments particularly valuable, and I truly appreciate your perspective.

      Thank you so much for the prayers...it's a bit of a tough evening, I'm running out of energy...and I do need them.

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  5. Andrew,
    one of the things you have done, that I think would be helpful, is to write. Whether it's in a journal and only for private use, or a private blog, or a public one, I think writing can help. It's a place to record those thoughts and hopes and fears and angers and griefs and joys, and to keep them from drowning you.
    And only those who have been there or who have yet to come to that place will understand, but the understanding will bring validation to you and them simultaneously.

    What a blessed gift to write this out as a map of sorts for those hopelessly lost at the prospect of separation.

    May you both know how deeply you are moving many of us. And we pray with you.
    Love,
    Tammy

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    1. Thank you so much, Tammy. If I could wish away the pain and the fear and the bleak outlook - I wouldn't, because sharing this trip has brought people light, and hope, and, I think, maybe a glimpse of God's love.

      This is a burden worth carrying. I want to live - don't get me wrong! - but under the circumstances, I want even more, perhaps, to help.

      Life is STILL good, it's still worth living, it's still full of life.

      If I can share that, I'm doing my job.

      Thank you for being here, Tammy. Your comments are a bright light for me.

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  6. My sweet friend has been fighting cancer .
    She just got back from surgery again. This time it is reparative.
    I don't have much but I made some homemade meals and spend time talking and praying with her.
    Most time we talk about fun things and when she can like the weekend before surgery we went for a speaking engagement together.
    friends will help Andrew. At least keep fun activities and laughter in the room.
    Lovely suggestions.
    Be encouraged

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  7. My sweet friend has been fighting cancer .
    She just got back from surgery again. This time it is reparative.
    I don't have much but I made some homemade meals and spend time talking and praying with her.
    Most time we talk about fun things and when she can like the weekend before surgery we went for a speaking engagement together.
    friends will help Andrew. At least keep fun activities and laughter in the room.
    Lovely suggestions.
    Be encouraged

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    1. Please paron the delay in my reply - things are getting a bit bad here. But I am still here!

      I think you did a marvelous thing for your friend. Exactly the best thing you could have done, Ifeoma. We all need friends like you.

      I am encouraged. By YOU!

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  8. Great words of advice, Andrew! Again, this entire series has been such a blessing to read and I'm sure a treasure-trove of helpful insight for those walking in your and your wife's shoes. Thanks so much!

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    1. Thanks, Beth, and I am sorry for the delay in replying. Things have been getting harder.

      This WILL be a book if I can only find the energy to compile it.

      Not an easy road to walk, but we were promised Calvary, not Waikiki, so I ain't a complainin'.

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  9. I really appropriate your kind and compassionate words for care takers. No everyone who is dying is as reasonable, and it helps to hear these things from someone who is seeing the horizon approaching.

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    1. Paul, thank you...from where I stand, it seems that the only way forward is through empathy, if that makes sense. if I focus on how I feel, I get caught in a spiral of self-pity that will kill me spiritually long before my body fails.

      Thanks for being here. I really, really appreciate your comments. Far more than you know.

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