They say that no one, on his deathbed, wishes he had spent more time at the office.
It's maybe true, but it's not as self-evident as it seems.
When we're courting, hormones and emotion pull us to spend as much time together as we can...
and when we're not together, we're thinking about each other.
And we think it shall always be thus.
But courtship is not a 'natural' state. We're still pretty much who we were before we met that special someone.
Marriage changes our lives, but it doesn't immediately change US. That happens, if it's going to happen, over time, and with conscious intent.
I am a case in point. One of the failings in my marriage is that I convinced my wife, and tried to convince myself, that I could change, through Love, from a maniac who exercised for three hours after work, and then worked on airplanes until three a.m.
I did change my lifestyle, yes, but I hadn't changed, and like ripples from a rock tossed into a pond, unhappiness spread.
You can't go from an addiction to work to an appreciation of leisure by wishing it.
In the end, I was a happier person, and a better husband, at the distance engendered by my frenetic nature.
Illness has not changed that. While I appreciate the beauty and poignancy of my limited moments, sitting on the sofa and holding hands just isn't on.
Do I wish it were different, that I were different? Sure. But you do your best with what you have, and hindsight is not 20-20.
It's legally blind.
This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday at www.messymarriage.com.
I love this post - and your comment about hand-holding, given who you are, and were, prior to marriage. This post is full of hard-won wisdom, and I appreciate you sharing so candidly. It's really important to keep a grip on those essentials of who we are and what we love, and be brutally realistic about what is actually likely to change after the stars-in-eyes-hormone-rush subsides.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much...I have to admit that the transparency was difficult, but without honesty, Love is merely a word.
DeleteI'm grateful for the way you've been reflecting on your marriage, Andrew, and we are the recipients of your 20/20 vision and/or even your examination of the blind spots. Thanks my friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Beth. I'm beginning to realize that here, in communicating the hard lessons, lies Legacy.
DeleteThanks for sharing your insights with us, Andrew! I love that last bit about hindsight is not 20-20; it's legally blind! So true!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Barbara...I think that misapplied hindsight has ruined more memories and stunted more lives than can be counted.
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