Don't Speak - Just Wait {Five Minute Friday / The Weekend Brew}

First...another update on Beau, the dog who the city of Dyersburg, TN, wants to kill because he allegedly killed a duck...which never existed.

It doesn't look good. These individuals and their lawyers are planning to save their pride, and kill Beau, on February 6. Please see Michele Kearn's website, and PLEASE spare a moment to voice your thoughts to the city official involved. This is not the America we want, where elected official can break state law to save face.

And now, here we are for Five-Minute Friday , hosted by Kate Motaung. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

We're also linking to The Weekend Brew. Drop in for some great thoughts on life and faith!

Today's word is wait..

GO.

Marriage arguments can spiral out of control so quickly. A cross word is said, and it hurts.

When you're hurt, you hit back, right?

Immediately. Before another blow can be landed. Like in boxing, if you take too many ounches, you're going down, and will only dimly hear the ref counting you out of the match.

But marriage is not boxing. Marriage is not a fight, even when there are fights.

We need to know how to defuse the arguments before they go completely south, and the biggest part of that is waiting.

When you've been hurt, when your ego's been bruised...before you reply, wait.

Wait and think.

Will what you planned to say make things better, or worse. Will it give the thrill of revenge, or will it work toward a solution.

Will it hurt, or will it heal.

You'll find, very often, that the words you were about to send forth are for naught but the dark thrill of getting even.

And you'll feel the worse for saying them.

So wait.

Please.

STOP

If you have the chance, please stop by my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace", at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com.

LOVE-U: E for Empathize

Three weeks ago we started a new series - LOVE-U For A Better Marriage.

L- Linger
O - Observe
V - Validate
E - Empathize
U- Unbend

Today we're up to E for Empathize.

"I know how you feel!"

Five words, well, meant, can cause a lot of damage, because all too often we merely assume we know how another feels...and in a marriage that assumption can carry the weight of a shared life.

It makes the assumption more certain, but it can be just as wrong.

Consider this - does any man know what childbirth feels like?

No. There is nothing in the male experience that can compare, and many a husband, saying "I know how you feel" has only escaped death because his wife didn't want to raise a baby in prison.

Of course, it well might have been ruled justifiable homicide.

That's an extreme example, but there are many others that we run into on a daily basis. A woman might be badly hurt by a cutting remark from a friend...and her husband may just no get what the fuss is about.

A man's impotence in the marriage bed can play havoc with his self esteem, but his wife may see it as nothing to be concerned about...she loves him just as much as ever, but a part of his self-love has gone away.

What to do? How can we be the support our spouses need without assuming we know exactly how they feel?

And the hard thing is, we do know a part of how they feel, if we've been together long enough. But only a part.

The solution is pretty simple. Replace "I know how you feel" with "I'm sorry you're hurting...would you like to talk about it?' (The last part, guys...not to your wife in labour, because she does not want to talk about it at that moment.)

It's not a replacement of empathy with sympathy; rather, it's a respect of the boundary that's there, beyond which you're only guessing at another's feelings.

The empathetic part is in the delivery, in knowing something's wrong, in being willing to listen, and to learn.

"I know how you feel" cancels out learning.

"Would you like to talk about it?" invites learning, and a closer bond, into the void left by pain.

Assuming feelings is authoritative.

Offering an empathetic heart is humble.

Which would you choose? And WWJD?

What do you do to show empathy and solidarity when your husband or wife is hurting?

If you have a moment, please visit me at my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". I haven't been as regular posting there in the last week because of some family crises, but will have a fresh entry today.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

Have Faith In Your Marriage {Tuesdays@Ten / Inspire Me Monday}

This post is linked to Tuesdays at Ten - please visit KarenBeth's site!

It's also linked to Inspire Me Monday.

Faith

marriage is a promise...to have and to hold, from this day forward...and so on.

But promises go both ways. For a promise to be  worth anything, we have to have faith in our mate's sincerity in making it.

This can be tough to do. We get bombarded through the media buy reports of how parlous is the state of marriage, with people thinking promises are conditional, and that fidelity is a convenience.

But for the whole thing to work, the promises have to be real, and we have to be real in accepting the promises as given, and in not looking behind them to see if there are any cracks or voids or wooden scaffolding holding up what's supposed to be solid granite.

We have to trust. We have to have faith.

And you know what? Trust engenders trust.

if we're trusted, we tend to become trustworthy. Lust like if we're loved, we tend to love in return.

Yes, it's a risk. Marriage is a risk. Life is a risk. bad things happen to good people, but the only way to escape that is in death.

I don't want to be dead. Do you?

So I think I'll have faith in the promises my wife gave on that white day, years ago, and renewed with every sunrise.

If you have a chance, please visit my other blog, Starting The Day With Grace.

Why Men Don't Share Feelings {Five Minute Friday/ Weekend Brew}

Something urgent first...the city of Dyersburg, TN, wants to kill Beau, a Lab/Shepherd mix, for allegedly killing a duck.

But there was no duck. And now they want to kill Beau to cover up their mistake.

Please read Michele Kearns' post on this, and please share it.

Please. Please show that our country is better than this.

And now, here we are fort Five-Minute Friday , hosted by Kate Motaung. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

We are also linking with The Weekend Brew.

Today's word is share..

GO.

Men do not like to share their feeling. No, really?

It's almost a cliche - "He won't tell me what he's thinking! I don't know how he feels!"

Well, there may be a simple reason. He doesn't know how he feels, either.

The male character is sometimes simplified to food, sex, and sport, and that is not entirely inaccurate. It's part nature, part nurture.

The nature part is in the designed role as provider and protector; Men are trained to act, and to react. Their feelings don't really play a role, and can indeed be detrimental in some situations ("Hey, I really shouldn't kill this lion...I mean, he has a family to feed, too, right?").

That really doesn;'t work, so the male mind has been designed with shutters that can effectively drop, shutting out feelings "for the duration".

And society reinforces this. I recently heard a Christian comedian - female - who said she was asked where all the handsome, sensitive men are.

Her reply? "They';re out there, and they all have boyfriends."

Kind of hard to overcome that. You're sensitive, you share your feelings, you're gay.

What's a wife to do?

Pick up on clues. Look at what you'r husband's reading; look at the movies he prefers. There are feelings there, whether he will admit it or not (dont worry, he won't).

And you know what? It doesn't matter, because once you can make that interprative jump, you can understand that beneath the caveman persona, there beats the heart of...

...well, a caveman.

But one with feelings.

STOP

If you have the chance, please stop by my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace", at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com.

LOVE-U - V for Validate

Two weeks ago we started a new series - LOVE-U For A Better Marriage.

L- Linger
O - Observe
V - Validate
E - Empathize
U- Unbend

Today we'll talk about the third letter - V for Validate.

We all have feelings (guys, stop running...you have them too, so deal with it).

Our marriages should be the go-to place in which those feelings can be expressed, with no fear of repurcussions. We should be able to unburden ourselves emotionally in the safe haven of couplehood.

Gentlemen...no edging toward the door, and it's locked from the outside, anyway.

Marriage is where your feelings should be validated.

How can you make your marriage that safe haven? How can you hear feelings without the nagging worry about hearing something you don't want to hear.something with which you don't feel you can agree?

First, one thing should be clear -validate does not mean agree.

What you're doing when you validate your spouse's feelings is simply acknowledging that he or she has those feelings, and that they are important. You can recognize and respect without agreeing.

Second, recognize that you undoubtedly have feelings with which your mate won't agree, but does that make them trivial to you? I hope not.

Marriage is a partnership of equals, not a place for tyrants and syncophants.

The nuts and bolts of validation are fairly straightforward -

• Set a time, or make time - Expressing a deeply-held feeling isn't a trivial exercise,and needs dedicated time. The best thing to do, if you're the one doing the sharing, is to ask for time with your spouse when you'll be undisturbed. If you're the recipient of the request, be open, and be accommodating, because the process is important...more important than Downton Abbey or the March Madness. If the sharing simply won't wait, then put things aside, turn off the TV, turn off the phones, and turn off the computer. This is where you get to fulfill the wedding vows...to have, and, especially, to hold.
• Listen without interrupting - Even if you're used to finishing sentences for one another, this is the time to lay that skill aside. Listen to the end, and if you're not sure...ask. Not combatively, but simply "may I speak now?"
• When you speak, repeat - Repeat what you've heard to preface anything you say.This ensures that there is no misunderstanding, and that you're on the same page. Give your spouse time to correct you, if needed, after the repeat.
• Don't contradict - When you're validating, and listening, you're simply taking in information, and not trying to modify your spouse's stance. Ask for clarification, but don't tell your mate why he or she is wrong, or not understanding something.
•  Be aware of body language - Don't cross your arms and close yourself off, and don't stand sideways to your spouse when he or she is speaking (it's evasive). Don't tap your fingers, signaling impatience. Do make and maintain eye contact, and do touch if touch, at that time, is welcome. Be aware; stand or sit in as relaxed a pose as you can. And never, ever roll your eyes.
• If problem-solving is needed, set a future time - If your spouse is airing negative feelings that have something to do with you, this is not the time to defend yourself. Make it clear that you're listening, and that your mate's feelings are important to you...and that you value their sharing.  Keep that sharing positive, and work out any problems or disagreement at another time.

Validation is easy to describe, but hard to implement. A lot harder than it looks!

But you can practice. Work on listening without interrupting, for instance, in mundane conversation. Be aware of what you're doing, so you know how it feels.

Get comfortable with saying things like "I feel" and "this is important to me". If you can say these things about yourself, you'll develop empathy for your mate at the same time.

Finally, get into the habit (if you're not) of holding hands. Touch is one of the most important parts of creating that safe environment we all need, and which we want to create.

What do you do to create a safe environment in which feelings can be shared and validated?

Please visit me at my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace".

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

The Right Focus - Tuesdays@Ten

This post is linked to Tuesdays at Ten - please visit KarenBeth's site!

Focus.

"We don't have enough sex!"

"He doesn't listen to me!"

"She always has to watch Downton Abbey, and I think it's stupid!"

He leaves his towels on the bathroom floor, and I have to pick them up!"

All very valid marriage issues. However...

Did you know that 18,000 kids will starve to death today?

If you do the math, that's six million a year, a number that should be familiar.

But maybe that number's too big. And it's only about 0.1% of the Earth's population.

So let's put it in perspective. I live near Albuquerque, a city of about 700,000.

So that would be, what, 700 kids starving to death in town, every year. That's do-able, since it's only two a day.

And on December 31, maybe we can pile their little bodies in a square in Old Town. Kids are small. It won't be a big pile.

But that might keep the tourists away. Better not.

So maybe, instead, we can focus on what's right in our marriages,and in our lives.

Like there's someone who has promised to stay with us, no matter what.

Like at the end of the day, we have someone to hug (and DO it!).

Like...but hey, that's a big enough list of blessings, because a lot of perfectly nice people will die today, and be deprived of even that.

Focus on the love that's in your life, and that is REAL.

If you have a chance, please visit my other blog, Starting The Day With Grace.

Send It - I Won't Back Down {Five Minute Friday / Weekend Brew}

It's time for Five-Minute Friday , hosted by the wonderful Kate Motaung. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

We're also linking to Barbie Swihart's Weekend Brew; please visit for links to some really uplifting people.

And we are linking to "Wholehearted Home".

Today's word is send.

GO.

I'm past the moto sayings, and past the feel-good theology. Three of the last four nights have been, frankly, terrifying, and are ample proof that terminal illness sucks.

Where's God? Some would say that He's sent this as a test, or as a crucible that will increase my faith. If so, He's off His gourd, no disrespect intended.

This - unremitting and uncontrollable pain, projectile vomiting, and, I hate this, incontinence doesn't do a measure of good in any regard.

If God thinks this will bring me closer, He's like a horse trainer who's using a pellet gun as a teaching tool. I know something about horses. That ain't the way it's done.

I had a life, once.

And actually, in spite of everything, I still do, because I don;'t believe that God resorts to torture to get His point across.

This is a world in which free will is absolutely necessary; to become citizens of Heaven we need to choose it. And it follows that such a world also has to allow horrible things to happen to adequate people.

So God's here, bracing me against the wind. It's me who has to stand. It's me who has to puke. But God's lacing my boots tighter, and yelling GET UP when I fall.

I have to do the shooting, but God's passing me the mags.

And yes, I have a life. It's a life lived in opposition to fear and despair. It's a life that will be on the side of good, even when there no good left.

Send it. I'm here, and I won't back down.

STOP

God may be kinda pissed when He reads that. But I'll take the chance; getting whacked by lightning might numb the pain in my gut and back.

Worth a shot, eh?

If you have the chance, please stop by my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace", at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com.

LOVE-U - O for Observe

Last Wednesday we started a new series - LOVE-U For A Better Marriage.

L- Linger
O - Observe
V - Validate
E - Empathize
U- Unbend

Today we'll talk about the second letter - O for Observe.

When we're courting, watching our beloved is pretty much a favourite activity. We not the nuances of movement, of gesture, of expression...not only because we delight in them, but because they give us visual clues as to what makes this special person happy.

After marriage, things change (I can hear a huge OOOOOH yeah!). There's a joke going around Facebook about a man whose wife is missing, along with his truck. He can describe the truck to the last detail, but really has no idea what his wife even looks like.

And if you think this is limited to men - I have a friend who sported a large and dark moustache. His wife didn't much like it, so he shaved it off.

Two weeks later, she said, "Oh, you shaved off your moustache!"

We've got to do better. We chose to share a life with someone - why, after the contract's signed and the lives are meshed, do we tend to turn away?

The reasons are manifold...familiarity verging on boredom, an undercurrent of irritation, a feeling (especially among men) that "the chase is over", and the "caught" prize somehow loses appeal.

But the reasons don't matter. what matters is that we start observing again - not just looking, but looking with a purpose, looking with intention, and looking with memory.

We need to note the things that please our husbands and wives. We need to literally take notes, so that we can refer back...and do them.

Yes, take physical notes, as in...journaling.

And we need to ask. If you walk by your husband while he's doing the dishes, and run your hand across his shoulders...and he sighs, or relaxes, ask him "Did you like that?"

The go and write it down in your journal. Your journal's kind of like an accountability partner, here...you write it down, and you can't 'forget' to do it.

You wanted to learn your spouse so you could marry him or her

Who ever said there was a graduation, and you could stop going to class?

What do you do to make sure you remember what you see in your husband or wife?

Please visit me at my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace".

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

Is Hollywood the Enemy?

Marriage has a lot of enemies these days, from the governemnt to some churches.

Is Hollywood one of them?

Yes and no.

On one hand, Hollywood can portray some really fine examples of marriage. Look at Godzilla; there are two strong and positive marriages shown in the first twenty minutes.

But there's another side, and that is that even the way a positive marriage is shown tends to be unrealistic.

Hollywood would have couples looking deeply into one another's eyes after the kids are asleep.

The last time my wife looked into my eyes was when I got a piece of sand in one of them.

Otherwise, it doesn't happen....but if I bought into the Hollywood image I'd feel deprived.

I could list a number of other Hollywood/reality disconnects, but I think you get the picture.

A marriage that's lasted more than a couple of years doen't fit the Hollywood mold. Romance, not to mention sex, have typically moved down the priority list.

Life is mundane, composed of necessities. Good necessities, like kids and friends and church.

Hardly the stuff of cinematic drama. Hardly the place for grand gestures.

Consider one of the archetypal Christian "marriage movies", Fireproof.

Good stuff, but it hinged on the errant husband buying his wife's sick mother a lot of medical equipment, using the money he'd been saving for a bass boat.

Would the story work without that big, bold act?

Sure. Stories like that happen every day, but in their "grace writ small" they're eclipsed by the fictional Big Idea.

And that can make us people, out here in the trenches, feel just a bit inadequate.

Yes, drama is needed to tell a compelling story, and the sharp contrasts between selfishness and Christian giving make for a satisfying tale.

Life is not Hollywood, and the small stuff, the undramatic minute-to-minute healing of hearts...that is what Christian life, and Christian marriage, are all about.

What do you think? Does Hollywood help marriages...or hurt them?

Please stop by my other blog "Starting The Day With Grace", if you have a few minutes.

Welcoming a Combat Veteran Home - Five Minute Friday / Weekend Brew

And here we are, for the first Five-Minute Friday  of 2015, hosted by Kate Motaung. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

We are also linking to "Wholehearted Home".

Today's word is welcome.

GO.

Welcome back. Welcome to peace.

Why aren't you smiling?

There are few things that can be as disappointing to a family as the homecoming of a combat veteran, especially after the first deployment.

Being on the killing ground changes people. The guy or gal whose departure you mourned can seem to have vanished, replaced by a quietly wary stranger whose eyes never seem to rest on you, with joy.

The ride home can be an ordeal of catching up (on your part) and single-syllable answers on theirs. or silence.

What is wrong?

What's wrong is that it takes a long time to come all the way back from the intensity of combat, and it's a wrench leaving behind the friendships forged in stress and danger.

Your veteran is homesick.

Homesick for the fight.

There's nothing in civilian life that can measure up to the purposefulness that comes with being on the sharp end. It engenders a sense of mission, and that is not matched by home repairs.

Combat demands that loyalty be given and accepted,and it's something your average couples' dinner can't touch.

It's a transcendent experience, even if you hate it.

So welcome your veteran quietly, with warmth and understanding, and few demands.

Give them a chance to enjoy, all over again, a life in which tomorrow is virtually guaranteed.

STOP

I have to admit that ran on a couple of minutes, but I do have an excuse; my left hand is a bit mangled, and I'm a bit short of usable fingers.

If you have the chance, please stop by my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace", at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com.


The essay also links with The Weekend Brew; click to find some great posts.

LOVE-U For A Better Marriage - L for Linger

Almost all of us want our marriages to be better than they are; we can 'feel' a model for perfection in our souls, and we're acutely conscious of where we fall short. (Reality TV personalities may be an exception, since they can make something of a career out of dysfunctionality.

The model for perfection is, of course, God's love for us; marriage is a sacramental relationship, and ideally it should mirror our relationship with the Almighty - and vice versa.

We can't hit the bull's eye every time, but there are concrete steps we can take to move in the right direction.

My suggestion is the LOVE-U Plan. As you may have guessed, it's an acronym:

L- Linger
O - Observe
V - Validate
E - Empathize
U- Unbend

Today we'll talk about the first letter - L for Linger.

Saying that the world is in a hurry is a painful cliche. The labour-saving devices that infest our lives and drain our bank accounts simply create more excuses...oh, I mean opportunities...for multitasking.

We are expected to get more done - at work and in play - because we can.

And there's no time to linger.

When was the last time you just "hung out" with your husband or wife? Just shared the same space without the need or itch to try to do something?

It's tough, isn't it?

But just as God revealed Himself in a still, small voice, so too do we need those "still, small moments" to see God in our mate.

But how?

Start slow. Don't try to linger for an hour. Try sitting on the porch, watching the sun set, for ten minutes, holding hands.

Don't talk.

Don't think about later.

Stay in the moment. Concentrate on the visual beauty you're sharing, and the feel of your mate's hand.

As God's voice was small, start with the small moment.

Kind of like a grain of mustard seed.

How do you linger with your husband or wife?

Please visit me at my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace".

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

Married To An Expert

They say that if you lay out a game of solitaire on a deserted island in the middle of an otherwise empty ocean, someone will soon come along to advise you how to play the next card.

In a lot of marriages, one doesn't even have to go that far, because one spouse is the expert.

On everything.

Need to remove a rusted bolt? Your answer's waiting.

Want to cook a souffle that doesn;t fall? Help is just a word-over-your-shoulder away.

And the really irritating thing is that The Expert is very often right. The advice turns out to be good.

But it's hard to deal with - to put it mildly. Every kid has the I-want-to-do-it-myself streak ingrained in the personality, and it really doesn't go away.

We want to have our own successes, and having someone waltz in and make our challenge 'easier' somehow diminishes us.

I want to do it myself!

So...how can we deal with our in-house expert, gracefully?

• Remember that the intention is good (and forget about the 'road to you-know-where being paved with good intentions). Your husband or wife really wants to help, and wants to be involved in what you're doing.
• There may be a deep-seated issue in your mate's behaviour of which you (and possibly your mate) are unaware. Parents and teachers can do a lot of damage by directly or indirectly implying a child's lack of competence, and the reaction is to want to be competent in everything - and to show off that knowledge.
• Ask yourself this - if it were a friend, or a stranger giving you the advice, would you resent it? Sometimes we are biased against our spouse. Familiarity breeds contempt, to begin with, and there's an unspoken competition for position in every marriage. When our husband or wife shines, somehow we are placed in shadow.

Finally, sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. Telling someone - especially a spouse - that you don;t really want to hear their advice can be taken as a kind of stunning rejection, and can do far more damage than you intended Do you really want to do that?

Or isn;t it easier to swallow the pride, and listen?

Am I saying "give in"?

Yes. Sometimes it's better to give in, and it doesn't always lead to bigger and worse surrenders. You're dealing with the person you married, after all, not the Nazis in 1938.

Trust the love, because that is where all that advice is coming from.

If you have a chance, please stop by at my other blog, "Starting the Day with Grace", for a 'grace quote' and brief commentary.

Stay In A Bad Marriage?

First...my definition of "bad" for this post ends at "abusive". One should NOT stay in a marriage that in which physical or emotional abuse is present. Period.

But what about the marriage that just doesn't seem to work? Where you're always at odds, never really on the same wavelength. One - or both - of you are afraid to really say anything beyond mundane comments about the daily routine, because anything deeper invites argument.

And you can't remember when it was different.

What do you do? Do you stay, or do you call closing time, and move on with life?

There are good reasons to leave. You've got one life on Earth, and surely God doesn't want you to spend it shackled to an antagonistic stranger?

And the older you get, the harder it gets to find someone else, and commit.

If there are children, surely it';s better for them to have the chance to live in a happy home?

And so on.Lots of good reasons.

But there are some good reasons to stay,as well.

• You made a promise before one another, he community, and God. Nowhere in the wedding vows is there an escape clause that allows you to split because of "irreconcilable differences".
• You're probably as much of the problem as is your husband or wife, and if a new relationship begins it's likely that similar problems will develop, unless you're marrying the functional equivalent of a therapist.
• The world's a hard and lonely place, and kids need to see that couples can stay together, and that they don;t bug out when things get - and stay - uncomfortable.
• It can get worse, but it can get better, too. People need to be understood, and if, instead of bemoaning your difficult life you make an effort to to truly listen, and try to understand...you may uncover your spouse's problems. And you own.
• Someone always gets hurt; there is no pain-free divorce. Incomes (usually but not always womens') go down, and aside from rejection a wife may be looking at incipient poverty.

Even when the marriage is dull or "scratchy", there is a lot to be gained in staying with it.

What do you think?

And if you have a moment, please drop in at my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace".