Fragility

 It took awhile for me to hate being fragile.

Every dog-walk is measured against how much breath I have, and every step is measured against tumours in my leg-bones...will they break, if I step too hard?

And I used to be something of an athlete.

But that's pride talking, pride in what I once was...and now, what I am, the glory is to accept, to live with the restrictions...and to come up smiling, joking, playing the fool.

And somehow, that acceptance enables me to be more than I was...and this week's Five Minute Friday prompt is enable.

My world has gotten fragile now,

with bones that ache and breath so short,

and I can scarce remember how

I had once excelled at sport,

but perhaps this is a game

as well, upon a killing field,

and I will earn a greater fame

in my choice of not to yield,

but accept the daily weakness

with good heart and cheery will,

and make of this a kind of meekness

that my Saviour may instill

and make my soul a mirror clear

reflecting that there's nowt to fear.

Music from Val Doonican, with Paddy McGinty's Goat. Really? Yes, and click here if the video doesn't come up.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

I Wish You Love

 I'm so damned tired, and my heart is so full of love.

Cancer is winning; I can't deny that. But on the other hand, I have won, because I have been able to defeat resentment and anger.

I haven't defeated fear; I'm terrified. But that's to be expected, and that's OK. Father, why hast Thou forsaken Me? I'm in good company.

But in that dreadful question, its own answer is formed. I may feel forsaken...

...but I will not forsake Love.

And if death is the last enemy, love is the ultimate victory.

For all of you. my kind and faithful readers, I wish only the best. I know that these are hard times, and that anger flows from so many sources...but I hope that you can keep your feet, and that you can know the love of Christ, the love of Paul, the love of Maximilian Kolbe.

I love you all.

I wish for you a gentle world,

that you see peace on Earth,

with the flags of hatred furled

and storm-clouds by sun dispersed.

I wish for you a hopeful dawn

borne out in truth for every day,

and that you hear the robin's song

as you travel on your way

down the miles and through the years,

over hill and dale,

and you have no cause for tears

save those that entail

from the Love the Empty Tomb

could not contain, for lack of room.

Music from Steve Winwood, with Back In The High Life Again.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Up, Up And Away

And so the metastases are in both legs, and my walk is now a shuffle...sideways, when I can, because it hurts less that way.

Not walking is not an option; we have a lot of dogs, and Barb works for a living. But, thank God (or, for the dyslexic, thank Dog), the guys seem to understand, and adapt their desire to run to my capabilities.

Nights are a rotisserie...lay on one side until the pain's beyond endurance, turn ninety degrees until I can't breathe, turn again to face the pain...you get it. Or, rather, I hope you don't get it. No-one should feel this, or see it.

The other night, particularly bad, and I felt for a moment or ten that I was falling...like the feeling you get when you're dozing off...

Except that I was falling up, and consciousness was becoming more, and not less, clear.

Is this what death is like? Have you heard, have you felt it, have you been told?

There was nothing of 'meeting Jesus in the air'; it wasn't a rapturous experience, but it wasn't a bad one either.

There was a sense of expectancy, but to be more specific than that would not be honest, so I'll leave it there.

Is death like falling upward,

piercing through the clouds above,

more like rocket than like bird,

rising on a flame of love?

Is death a leap that o'ertops

‘till one hits Heaven’s Gates,

the hang-time jump that never stops

and jumper graduates

from this earth, this mortal coil

unto transcendent plane

where’s ended fruitless strife and toil,

and all that doth remain

are the blessings we were given,

oft unseen while we were livin’?

Music from The Fifth Dimension, with Up, Up and Away (My Beautiful Balloon).

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Wages of Fear

First, I need to apologise to those whose blogs I have not visited in the last week or two. I've been doing my best, but am just too ill. I'm sorry.

The cancer's in my bones now, and last night was spent, well, screaming. Seems that during the day the body produces cortisol to numb the pain, but at night, you get the full show.

And it was horrible.  A fold of blanket under my left femur, and it felt like the thing was going to break.

And the fear. What will itbe like tomorrow?

The Bible says fear not three hundred and sixty-five times. One for each day of the year.

And I'm still frightened out of my socks. What will happen tomorrow? Makes me feel like a second-rate Christian. Be not afraid? Sorry, nope, can't do that.

Turns out, I'm not alone. Jesus was scared too, and He had to be, otherwise the whole death-and-resurrection thing woul have been an act.

Sometimes I feel abandoned by God. So did He.

And at the ninth hour, Jesus cried out with a loud voice, "Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Mark 15:34

Sometimes I just have to trust. So did He.

"And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, he said, Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit": Luke 23:46

They say that faith will banish fear,

that trust will win the day,

but in these days grown harsh and sere

it doesn’t work that way.

The pain is now within my bones,

and terror rules the night

in which the quailing heart atones

for all ‘twas not done right,

and Christ is in the midst of this,

He sits and notes my dread,

not saying that I should dismiss

my fright, but shares it all, instead,

saying, “Dude, this is not new to Me;

I felt it at Gethsemane.”

Music from Tangerine Dream, with the theme from the movie Sorcerer, which was based on the earlier film The Wages of Fear, about a group of men hire to drive nitroglycerin-laden trucks across a South American mountain range. The video's tense, and stunning, and features the great (and, sadly, late) actor Roy Scheider (yep, he from Jaws). (Please click here if the video doesn't load on your evice.)

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.