Your Dying Spouse 465 - A Near-Death Experience {FMF}

I am writing this in the mid-morning of April 26, 2018. About seven hours ago, I crossed through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and came back again. I'm a bit shaky, and in pain; please excuse my awkwardness.

As I lay abed, unsleeping, I was suddenly gripped by a pain that was both crushing and tearing, across my upper abdomen at the bottom of the ribcage. I could feel breath and life departing, and I floated out of my body; I could see myself, contorted and still.

But the pain remained, a fiery thread, stronger than steel, connecting me to this life, and I fought harder than I have ever fought to regain that failing and broken body.

It was an incredibly harsh experience, and the pain is still with me. Morphine would be nice.

I knew that Heaven with its promise of peace and infinite vistas of possibility lay behind me, but I dared not look, because if I looked I would surely go.

And it wasn't time to go.

I returned to my body, and to the worst chills I have ever experienced, malarial in quality but far, far worse, and to eerie hallucinations as I fought to stay conscious.

Yeah, a long night.

When I rose in the pink dawn, I was put in mind of some couplets from Flecker's poem, The Gates Of Damascus:

"And God shall make thy body pure, and give thee knowledge to endure

This ghost-life's piercing phantom-pain, and bring thee out to Life again.

"And God shall make thy soul a Glass where eighteen thousand Æons pass.

And thou shalt see the gleaming Worlds as men see dew upon the grass."

I don't know why I was led here, to these lines in this poem; I have no doubt that there is purpose to this experience; I was meant to see something.

But what?

It's like a night-flash of lightning, making visible an object you know to be familiar but whose shape is impossible to grasp in time's small fraction.

I can't find a way to frame 'takeaways', but there is something strong, a colouration to the day, if you will.

And this is that there was a sort of consummation, an understanding on coming out to life again that the dreams given us by God are never to be lightly put aside; that they stay in our faithful hearts though in their specifics they may seem trivial when set against a calamitous world does not obviate the Almighty using them for a higher purpose.

We are here for a reason.

And that, for the moment, is all.

The only appropriate music is Soundgarden's Live To Rise, because I did.

Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 464 - Non Nobis

The hymn Non Nobis, based on Ps. 115:1 (KJV), arranged by Patrick Doyle for the film Henry V.

If you're interested, you can find Andrew Budek-Schmeisser's books on Amazon.

Your Dying Spouse 463 - Andrew's Victory {FMF}

Andrew wrote this over the past few days...and hopes you find it of some value.

Victory does not lie in the healing of cancer.

It does not lie in staying well enough to accomplish everything on my 'bucket list'...or even a part of it.

It does not lie in reaching peace with my dying. or achieving an epiphany of Heaven.

It's a lot simpler than that.

Victory is continuing to do my best, every day and with every minute, even and especially (as now) when hope seems futile and the darkness of pain gathers me in.

Victory is living for others, because it was never about me.

Victory is facing a failed life, and knowing that it's redeemed by living for one minute...one minute...with a full and open heart.

Victory is being willing to let go of life without grasping, and being willing to fight death without hate.

The ultimate victory is that over despair, and it's one that can be experienced every day.

It doesn't require strength or stamina or learning or Scriptural knowledge, though these certainly help.

You just have to be willing to put aside everything you thought you knew, and embrace the glory and the pain, because they're inseparable. A Jewish carpenter taught me that.

It's kind of cool.

(I don't really have a bucket list...I figure that if you don't value the life you've got enough to prefer it to any 'mountaintop experiences', you're living wrong.)

Music from Chuck Mangione, with Feels So Good....hope it puts a smile on your face.

e pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback in a few days!

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 462 - Generosity {FMF}

Generosity, from Barbara.

I saw two pieces of information that grabbed my unconscious and has been floating around for days.

"A study found that poor people are more generous then wealthy people."

And from MothersQuotes.com:

Four Things You Can't Recover

The Stone after the Thrown

The Word after it's Said

The Occasion after it's Missed

The Time after it's Gone

I remember my Kentucky Mamaw and Papaw giving everything they had to keep family and extended family fed, and temporary shelter.   They weren't well off and struggled everyday of their life.

Their example was lived out by my Mom who was wealthy in comparison and her generosity lives on in me. Though generosity isn't always food or monetary.  

Each of us walks through life in lack of one sort or another.   Lack of kind uplifting words when none can be found.  Lack of encouragement when anger can only be found.  Lack of inclusion when isolation is overwhelming.  Lack of adventure when self-confidence escapes us.

Yet when we with lack reach out and give with a generous heart what we need to another,  it's amazing how the action pulls us from a inner place of poverty to a place of enrichment, peace, close proximity to God that no other action can.

Who among you will give your child a stone when he asks for bread? 

Define child!

Music from American Authors, with Best Day Of My Life.

If you're interested, you can find Andrew's books on Amazon.

Your Dying Spouse 461 - Better Days Ahead

Being unable to go to church any longer, I hear a lot of TV preachers...I almost exclusively watch Trinity Broadcasting (TBN) these days.

And a lot of them repeat the message that no matter what your situation, your best days are ahead.

As I write this, under the weight of pain I can only describe as evilly, unbelievably harsh, I agree...

...if...

...if I choose to make it so.

God isn't a genie...rub the magic lamp, say the right words, and your problems are solved. Not.

Our God died with blood-flecked foam on His Lips, His lacerated Back torn by the rough wood of the Cross.

By choice.

That wasn't one of His better days, except that it was, because it was the door that led to the Resurrection.

And His Resurrection saved us all.

A good day indeed.

As there's a pretty fair chance I won't be able to use this song next Christmas, I'll give you the Goo Goo Dolls and their lovely (and aptly named) Christmas song, Better Days.

Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback in a few days!

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 460 - Never Too Sick To Laugh

Too ill to write, but how about a smile? We have three heelers.

All girls.

Music from Herman's Hermits, with a classic from the 60s...

Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback in a few days!

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.