Your Dying Spouse 226 - The Land Of Look-Behind

On old maps of the island of Hispaniola (now the home to Haiti and the Dominican Republic) you'll find areas of backcountry marked The Land Of Look-Behind.

These were the places to which escaped slaves ran...but they were never truly free, because they always had to look over their shoulders.

It's something that both patients and caregivers do, as well. It may be the hardest part of dealing with a terminal illness, at least the toughest on the soul.

For patients, the end of life almost inevitably brings a stock-taking, a retrospective...and the tendency is to concentrate of failings. I know I have done this.

It can be devastating, and puts the lie to the moto posters that say Finish Strong. You can end up finishing in the pit of feeling like a failure.

It's the patient's responsibility to use mental self-discipline, of course. We tend to judge ourselves harshly, but that's a choice. One has to look at the sum total of what one's done, and never overlook the small graces one has left in one's path through life.

It also requires constructive engagement - with the caregiving spouse, and with friends. There is a tendency to isolation, and it has to be fought.

The caregiver can be a great help here, by encouraging engagement, encouraging activities that look hopefully to whatever future is left, and perhaps most of all by appreciating the good things that the patient is still contributing to the shared life.

This last can be tough, when life seems to consist so largely of recording symptoms, doling out meds, and helping one's spouse on and off the commode. But there are, hopefully, small kindnesses that you can highlight, the cup of tea made for you when you're busy, or the surrender of the remote when the Giants are playing the Packers and you would rather see a PBS special on Yosemite.

For the caregiver, look-behind comes most strongly after the fight's over, and you wonder if you could have done more, and when you remember the things you remember most are your failings.

This is tough to deal with, because you can't go back and gt a re-validation that you did OK. (Though hopefully your spouse-patient does thank you for your consideration and kindnesses - I try to do this, though I am not as consistent as I would like.)

Coping with these regrets is best done through counseling and a support group.

You haven't walked this road alone; there are others who felt the same anguish, and knowing that the burden's shared can at least take some of it off your own shoulders.

You can only do your best...and as a caregiving spouse, you're already doing it.

God bless you, dear heart.

Marley update...he's in danger from the county authorities and NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up over 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are now actively planning to kill him. They've removed him from the official ownership of his family. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a moment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 225 - Not Worth Keeping Me Alive {FMF}

Back again with Five Minute Friday, a timed and keyword-driven writing challenge hosted by Kate (The Great!) Motaung.

But first, an update - yesterday Barbara won the Halloween Costume Contest at work, dressed as WW2's Rosie The Riveter. Here's a picture - she really nailed it! (Look at the contemporary poster at top right for comparison.)

The keyword this week is EAT. I don't do much of that, but the word's in there, boldface and italic. It'll have to do. I'm too tired and depressed to weave more around it.

Once again, circumstance force me to write ahead, but I am hewing to the five-minute time limit, and will try to work in the word when it's revealed. This one's gonna be a challenge...

I don't have health insurance. I can afford to be sick, but I can't afford even pallative care.

There are things that could make life easier, Under a gastroenterologist's care we could try combinations of pain meds and pancreatic enzymes. They might help, even though they haven't in the past. And there is the Whipple Procedure, a really nasty operation that could be a life-extender. Only a couple of places in the country even perform it.

But those are fairy tales for me.

My wife works; I can't. Her income (which I won't reveal) gives me the rock-bottom Affordable Health Care Act ('Obamacare') plan which would cost $179.38 per month (with a subsidy). We can't afford that and keep our house, pay the utility and insurance bills, and eat. We have no savings; those were burned up when I lost my career and my wife started building hers. And then there was Chapter 7 bankruptcy.

One might say, 'well, you can always tighten your belts...but to what end? The details of the plan include a deductible of $6650, with an 'estimated yearly cost' of  $4708'. That is, a cost of $392 per month. If we can't do the deductible, how can we bring together $392 per month?

You see, test and imaging (x-rays, CAT scans, and endoscopies) are not covered until the deductible is me. I can't even afford to find out if I am a candidate for Whipple.

But wait, there's more...after the deductible is met, an ER visit would cost $350. (An ER visit could be a lifesaver, as pain-induced shock kills most people with pancreatic issues.)

After the deductible is met, a specialist office visit would have an $80 copay. Before the deductible? For a specialist? Last time I went to a pain specialist the charge was over $200. That was in 2012.

Generic drugs are $33. The meds that could help me are non-generic. A coupe of years ago a bottle of pancreatic enzyme pills cost $600...one month's worth. Now?

The one bright spot is that a primary care MD visit is $35. That's against his regular cost of $70 for self-pay, so if I saw him, say, twice a week, I'd break even on the premiums. We could chat, anyway. Wouldn't be able to afford anything else.

I suppose the Powers That Be assume that one should have a credit card or two with a high limit, to take care of these things...or take out a home equity loan. Having gone through bankruptcy, that's not an option. No rich friends, either.

In the end, the message I get is that I'm not worth keeping pain-free, or even alive. And yeah, I rather resent this, given the fact that the plans pay for suchlike as Viagra, and that the administration is pressing insurers to fund sex-change operations. The money's got to come from somewhere.

I'm not asking for sympathy, and I'm certainly not going to start a GoFundMe page. But I will ask you to consider, when you vote, what's on offer. My story's not the only similar one out there.

Oh, and did I mention this? That if I choose to partake of physician-assisted suicide, all my expenses will be covered! (I'm not alone; click here to read a more poignant story.)

If that isn't a message I don't know what is.

Marley update...he's in danger from the county authorities and NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up over 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are now actively planning to kill him. They've removed him from the official ownership of his family. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a moment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 224 - It's Hard To Go On

An update - yesterday Barbara won the Halloween Costume Contest at work, dressed as WW2's Rosie The Riveter. Here's a picture - she really nailed it! (Look at the contemporary poster at top right for comparison.)

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages. I hope you'll take the link there; you'll find a lot of really great marriage resources.

It is getting hard to continue...writing, and hoping. A lot of ground has been lost recently, physically, spiritually, and just in terms of overall outlook.

Barbara's concerned; she sees the light fading, and asks what she can do to help. The hardest words for a caregiver to hear, I think, are, "There's really not much you can do."

Or anyone can do, for that matter.

Except me. My morale, my hope, my future, whatever it is, is up to me. (I'm not excluding God, but my nature just doesn't allow me to lean into Him arms, or cry out to Him. He's there, with an offer of strength and a God-sized boot in the backside when I slip into self-pity. Sometimes that makes sitting down kinda hard for a few days.)

So what to do -

• Dress professionally according to my circumstance, which means clean and neat shorts and shirt, and boots. No slippers, no dressing gowns. (I have to wear shorts as my legs have burn scars; long pants hurt.
• No comfy chairs or sofas. When I sit down I sit on the floor; when I lie down (which is often, yeah, it's the floor. Softness is self-indulgence, and self-indulgence is a killer.
• Maintain engagement via the internet; the only human I see regularly is my wife, and carrying on a conversation is hard. Mostly I listen. But I do try to keep up with the blogs I have come to love, and to maintain engagement on mine. Not easy, some days. Pain can make concentrating on a comment or reply hard. But it's vital for mental health.
• Try to do at least one -aeroplane-building-task every day. This was my lifetime avocation, and while I can't do much I can still do something, even if it's laying out a pattern for a part on a piece of steel I may never be able to cut. It's not much but it's something.
• Avoid media that calls me to cynicism. I love Joel Osteen, but hearing him talk about my miracle being just around the corner evokes an answer of "Oh, yeah?" and that isn't helpful. Cynicism is the brother of despair, and the father of self-contempt.
• No bad language. This is hard for me! But the use of profanity is not only unimaginative, it's also sloppy and gives vent to frustration that should be sublimated to a better purpose. Complaining is useless.
• No comfort food. The foods we crave are generally high in carbs and fat...that' why we like them so much! But for mental clarity one needs more protein. So it's lean chicken 'till I'm growing feathers. And rather than soda pop, concentrated electrolytes in tapwater. Bon apetit.

That's a pretty good list for starters. What would you suggest to add?

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 223 - How Much Do You Share?

I don't talk to my wife much because, well, I can't talk much. It hurts too much.

When I do talk, it's usually about life-functional things...like needed groceries or which dog has an upset stomach.

Barbara talks about how she's physically feeling; I almost never do except to say something like, "Hard day."

And that's it. I don't have the words that can describe what life is like now. They'd either be melodrama or an idiotic minimization. It's bad, and I don't want to talk about it.

Living it is enough.

But it's not fair to my caregiver, my wife. While it would be wonderful if she could get by on reading body language and grimaces, it's not a reasonable expectation.

I have to learn the language of the patient.

And I really, really hate itt, because it's one more step into the reality that awaits, that I really want to avoid.

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 222 - A Question Of Character {FMF}

We're back with Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung

This week the word is PARK.

One of the hardest things about being 'parked' far closer to the end than the beginning is the inevitable 'taking stock' of one's life. While I try to be a Zen master and live in the moment, it's not always possible, and my failings come back to haunt me in the words of others, and in my dreams.

There won't be much chance for movement now; there won't be the opportunity to use the correction fluid of time and energy to make things right, to rehabilitate my image.

There are a lot of failings, and some are quite serious. You know of a few; I may use this forum to describe others, for the help the example they may give to someone else.

But now, with the US presidential election less than three weeks off, I'll be topical.

I've had to own up to my own mistakes. First to myself, and second to others who were affected. It hasn't been a pleasant process, and has changed me. A lot of self-image has gone by the wayside, and I can't make things right and rise again.

One of the major candidates this year also has the problem of a less-that-stellar career, and has chosen another path.

Hillary Clinton is evading that to which she should own up. She claims thirty years of 'service'; she owes us something more than we've been given.

• Mrs. Clinton, working as a lawyer, plea-bargained a child rapist down to little more than time served before the trial...and laughed about it in an interview.
• She claimed that no Americans died on her watch in Libya, which is simply not true. Ask the families of Chris Stevens, Sean Smith, Glen Dougherty, and Tyrone Woods.
• In mishandling classified emails that put Americans and our allies at risk, Mrs. CLinton first said 'everybody did it' (meaning former Secretaries of State. Then she blamed Colin Powell directly. And then she blamed her staff.  The closest she's come to an admission of fault is saying it was a mistake and she wouldn't do it again.
• And in the damning Wikileaks-released emails, she seems more put out by the fact that she was caught rather than embarrassed over the revealed improprieties like collusion with the Justice Department and 'pay-for-play' while Secretary of State.

I suppose there are more, but that's enough for me. Entrusting the future of the country to someone who's never wrong, never responsible, is something I just can't stomach. I have to face the demons of my past, and sometimes face them publicly, and I think I have the right to ask my highest temporal representative to do the same.

Donald Trump is not the best candidate we've ever seen; far from it. But he's shown a willingness to say, "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." He's said that he's learned and grown.

It really is a two-party race. While the Libertarian Gary Johnson is attractive, he can't win. (and Jill Stein of the Green Party is even further out). A vote for Johnson is a de facto vote for Clinton, and I'm not going to do that.

And that's why my vote will go to Donald Trump.

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 221 - Separation Anxiety

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - do drop by for some great marriage resources.

When we think of separation anxiety, the usual mental image that comes to mind is of a pet or a child. But if you're a caregiver with a permanently homebound spouse, you may have already seen some of the signs.

Being homebound can be a lonely existence. You, the caregiver, are likely still in the workforce, and friends tend to drop away; they may have visited in the early days of the homebound state, but eventually they just don't know what to say.

So you may find your husband or wife making small talk when you're leaving for work, asking questions that seem almost silly; the talk is subconsciously intended to delay your departure for just a few minutes more.

And you may find that on your return, there is someone looking out through the window and he of she has been there for awhile. Waiting.

Weekends may start well, but around late Sunday your mate will become silent and glum, looking forward to another lonely week.

What can you do? Staying home's not an option for most, and it's not really a great idea. Separation anxiety's an illness; you don't get anywhere by treating the symptoms.

Here are some suggestions. Not all will work in every case, but hopefully everyone reading this will find one that seems helpful.

• Encourage activity - if your spouse has an interest in anything, be as supportive as you can. Some interests aren't practical, but if your husband still wants to build that brick patio you know he'll never finish...why not make it possible for him to lay at least a ew bricks a day? Yes, your yard will have that 'under construction' look, but it may be worth it to keep him from getting entangled in your coattails.
• Encourage engagement - there are internet forums that cater to almost every interest, and when personal visits come few and far between, the internet can be at least a partial substitute. And encourage on-line gaming (such as Sci-Fi role-playing) if your mate has even the slightest inclination.
• Keep your mate informed - if you're going to be late because you ran into a friend at Wal-Mart on your way home from work, don't leave your wife hanging. Let her know when you expect to be back.
• Do TV church - if your mate can't attend services, set aside a time on Sunday to watch serves on TV that you both enjoy, and talk about them afterwards.
• Make the most of your time together - distancing is a very real part of terminal illness. It's natural, and to some degree unavoidable, as you, the caregiving spouse, are preparing for that final goodbye...and your mate drifts into an unwanted world of pain and fatigue. But the time you spend together...make it fun. You see, the biggest factor in separation anxiety among the terminally ill is not the immediate loneliness and isolation. It's the loss of a life in which the patient felt valued, felt like a contributor. If you can make your terminally ill husband or wife know that they're as important to you as you are to them, you've done a lot to take care of the problem - at the root.

What do you think? What did I leave out?

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 220 - Your Best Caregiving, Rejected

This is a tough one. Sometimes you do your very best for your sick husband or wife, with the best execution and intentions your can bring, and it's thrown back in your face.

That hurts. I know I have done that to Barbara.

It's either not enough, not done well enough...or it can be 'too much' and 'smothering'.

As I see it, there are several distinct reasons for what seems really atrocious behaviour on the part of the patient.

• Pain and fatigue are high, and you're the 'easy' target. This is perhaps the most excusable reason, but no amount of discomfort is a justification for uncivil behaviour. It is your grace, as the caregiver, to overlook this kind of lapse of courtesy; you may or may not get the apology you deserve when the symptoms recede.
• What you've done is perceived as stepping on your patient's pride. Suck people can be prickly, and every step toward helplessness is a threat not only to their fading self-image of independence, but to their inward claim to adulthood. No one wants to be dependent as a child.
• You've tried to meet a need that isn't there. When one marriage partner is forced from the workforce by illness, and the other continues, there's a 'drifting', a loss of connexion. It can't be helped, because the pace of work is rapid, and the life-pace of illness can be glacial. You're no longer synchronized. It's hard to put yourself into that 'slow lane', and the temptation is to do for your spouse what you imagine you would want done for you. And sometimes it's the wrong thing.
• You haven't met a need that IS there.. As a personal example, I find that I now do not understand comedy; Barbara goes to the library every Saturday to check out a few DVDs, and she understand that I need either serious fare like 13 Hours, or escapist movies like Thor. If she thought I needed a laugh instead, she'd be way off base (regardless of Norman Cousins' thoughts on the curative power of laughter).
• Your mate is being entirely unreasonable, and is spoiling for a fight. He or she can't fight God over the question of Why is this happening to me! she your husband or wife will gladly fight you.

This is one post in which I won't repeat my mantra that it's not about you. If you miss a legitimate need, or supply a solution to one that's nonexistent, yeah, you've messed up.

But these are usually pretty rare, because most caregivers are clued-in and attentive, They want to do their best.

So, for the most part, if you're excoriated when you've done the best you can...it's not about you. 

It's about pain, or fear, or merely the fact that everyone gets to be a jerk for a day, and that is the day your mate's chosen.

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 219 - Rooster {FMF}

Time for Five Minute Friday, the timed and keyword-driven writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

The word this week is MAIL.

It's easy to fall into despair, especially after the past few weeks. The physical side of things is deteriorating, and (sorry about this) I'm not making it to the bathroom quickly enough. Lots of laundry to do. Cuts into the writing time.

Pain has changed - when I walk, sometimes it's like walking into a spike driven into my gut by a strong and determinedly vicious man.

My failings are coming home to roost. Not only causing a dog to die, but the failing from the past have recently been brought home to me in a way that I'm sure was well-intentioned, but really hurt.

Sleep does not come easily, which is nice, because the nightmares are eerie and vivid and remind me of the things in life that I should have done differently.

The TV preachers (I only watch Christian television) are telling me that my miracle is just around the corner, that God wants me to be a success, that this is all a test, and that I should rejoice in my trials.

Yeah, for the last...let's trade places, bub.

My closest relationships are becoming more distant. Part of it's the goodbye, and part is that other lives are moving on. I can't keep up. I don't remember the last time anyone asked what I did in the day. It's now all about symptoms. Being written out of life is kind of discouraging.

It would be easy to despair, and to just quit. Quit writing, quit trying, quit hoping. Just mail it in, and give life an existential shrug and kiss-off.

But I won't despair, and I won't quit. It's the principle of the thing.

It's tempting to put some kind of nobility to this, but I'think in the end it comes down to stubbornness. Everything and everyone seems to be telling me to let it go. Lost cause, give it up.

I don't want to.

People may fall away, abilities may dwindle, my world may shrink to a tiny circle of experience, and God may seem distant.

But, in the words of the band Alice In Chains (and the musical theme for today)...

Can't snuff the Rooster.

A quick note - the price for Emerald Isle has been reduced from $9.99 to $4.99 for the time being. How long 'the time being' will be I don't rightly now. But it costs less for now.

Angela, Faith In The Night, and PTSD And The Holidays are still 99 cents on Kindle.

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 218 - Solitude and Isolation

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages; please visit for some outstanding marriage resources.

If you're a caregiver to a spouse who has become housebound, you've probably noticed a kind of social withdrawal; a reluctance to participate in the events and activities (such as friends' visits) of which the patient can still partake.

From personal experience, I think there are several reasons for this, and I'd like to share them without trying to pass a value judgement.

Communication becomes harder as illness gets worse. Once a patient reaches the point of being housebound (or largely so) the ability to communicate well has probably been impaired. For me, it hurts to talk, and sitting or standing quietly when chatting is a trial. I have to shift position constantly to 'get away from' the pain to the greatest degree possible. It's kind of embarrassing.

Also, once you fall away from regular conversation, it's hard to keep up. I find that my thoughts do not run at the same speed as even those of my wife, so when she tries to talk with me she has to slow everything down. It's uncomfortable for her, and I can see that.

Paradigms change. There are several television shows that Barbara enjoys - The Voice, and some comedy/variety programmes. I've lost the ability to understand the humour, and so have lost an avenue of communication. For a while I tried to stay up to speed, but it was a failing task, and one day Barbara said that if she had to keep explaining the point to me it ruined the humour for her. That's a good point, one I did not realize, and I knew then that it was time to accept that as a step away from The World.

I'm no longer growing. My wife is being challenged in her work to grow and adapt to a world that changing technologically and in its customs. I'm not. No one cares if I know how to use a SmartPhone or not,much less be sensitive to the finer points of Human Resource Management. I might choose to teach myself Farsi, or (a couple of years ago, can't do it now) juggle, but it has no practical use.

So I've stopped growing, stopped learning. Sure, I read a lot, but it's mostly to boost my morale, and keep me hopeful and optimistic. It's not for greater wisdom; it's to survive the day.

Not much to say. My days are pretty consistent, as there's not much I can do. I write, less now to be sure, but there's not much interest in talking about what I'm writing, or would like to write if I ever have the energy again.

I like solitude. While some might not consider a houseful of dogs solitude, for me it is. We are on the same wavelength; we of different species can be alone together. People are jarring; not an unwelcome intrusion, but certainly a change from the kind of stillness I usually inhabit.

These are just some thoughts on why someone who's very ill can seem to have withdrawn from life. What do you think? Are these reasons valid, or is there an element of self-justification? Please speak freely!

A quick note - the price for Emerald Isle has been reduced from $9.99 to $4.99 for the time being. How long 'the time being' will be I don't rightly now. But it costs less for now.

Angela, Faith In The Night, and PTSD And The Holidays are still 99 cents on Kindle.

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.