Your Dying Spouse 201 - A Patient's Prayer

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages; drop by or great marriage wisdom!

Oh Lord, I don't like being sick, but your will is done through the world. I don't understand it, but with Your help I can accept it.

Please help me be grateful for the blessings that are still in my life, and please help me to grieve what I have lost, if grieve I must, without bitterness.

Please help me to look ahead, even if for a day. Keep me from the endless reminisces that fix my mind on what seems a brighter past, for that past is a painted fiction, and today will always seem darker in comparison with such fantasy.

Please keep my gratitude for my caregiving spouse foremost in my mind, even when I am in discomfort and pain. Please help me keep my words moderate, and my temperament even. Please help me, Lord, to filter my words before I say them, for the most important words in life and marriage are the angry and bitter ones we choose not to say.

Please help me to give an accurate description of my condition, neither minimizing nor exaggerating. My caregiving spouse needs to know the truth, even if it's ugly, but should never by manipulated through pity compelled by exaggeration.

Please help me to do what I can for myself, and to try every day to keep my condition to as little of a burden as possible. Please keep me from being impatient or demanding; my spouse has a life, and I must respect that not everything revolves around me.

Please help me not to shy away from the difficult questions that lead to a loss of independence. Such things, perhaps, must be, and while optimism and hope are needed, denial only makes the road harder.

Above all, Lord, please help to to keep in mind that Your Son preceded me in Death, nd that in the Resurrection He has paved a way for me; a road that I need not fear.

Amen.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 200 - The Nose Knows

Wow...two hundred posts in this series. That's kind of a milestone.

Caregivers, this is going to be hard for you to hear...but what you smell like can really make a difference in the life of the person for whom you're caring. For good, of for bad.

I'm not going to address common, basic hygiene. I assume you're all there, and not washing once a month or so.

Nope. This is about what you eat. You aren't what you eat, but you do smell like it. And you likely don't know it.

The biggest culprits are garlic, onions, and alcohol. The body looks at these as being, at least in part, as toxins, and tries to flush them out as quickly as possible...and that means through the pores as well as the usual paths.

Not that these three 'foods' are bad for you...not even alcohol, which is quite beneficial in moderation. (During WW2, citizens were asked to donate blood every week, and to drink red wine between donations. And if you live in France and don't have wine with each meal, your neighbours will think you quite mad.)

Where was I?

Oh, right. The foods may be beneficial, the body may be over-reacting, and it may all be innocuous, except that you might smell pretty bad, at least to someone who's fighting nausea and loss of appetite anyway.

Aside from making your caregiving an uncomfortable experience, it can also build a kind of distance, if you're not careful. Physical revulsion (and that is not too strong a term, believe me) brought on by illness can lead to an emotional wariness. Part of it is a natural outgrowth and is subconscious, but part may be "he/she knows I'm sick and nauseated, and should know that I can't take this Mediterranean diet stuff!"

And the patient for whom you're caring may well be too polite, or too proud to tell you.

So...for what it's worth, here''s my advice - if you're caregiving for your spouse, ask: "Does what I eat make me smell...uncomfortable...to you?"

Believe me, this kind of gracious approach can do wonders for your relationship...and for the quality of time together you may yet have.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 199 - Phoenix Rising {FMF}

Once again it is time for Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven weekly timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

The work this week is...well, I don't know what it is. It has been the worst of weeks, and I am writing ahead of time because I can. Yesterday I lost a quart or more of blood, and I did not know who Barbara was when she came home. I was giving the dogs pizza and beer for dinner. (So those to whose comments I did not reply, please forgive. At least you didn't get a rugby dinner. Well, almost. Barb grabbed the beer.)

(OK, the prompt is LOYAL.)

So, it's bad. prospects are bad. Outlook is grimmer than before. Today I went down outside, and the girls, Syl and Ladron, pulled me in. Blood trails and drag marks. I could not even crawl.

But I still have a dream, and I am going to share it with you.

It's called Tokyo. 2020. The decathalon.

When you stop laughing, yeah, I'm way too old, and way too sick, and I can't hardly even walk. This is stupid, right? Like, delusional.

I mean, I'm incontinent. Want to know how many loads of laundry I've done today? No, you don't.

But I have faith.

And I am willing to hurt more and bleed more and sleep less than anyone else. God's got to count that for something.

Blame it on the dude who won in Rio. Before the 1500m, he said that he'd push hard enough to put himself in the hospital.

I'll see that, and raise it. I'll push hard enough to put myself in the grave.

Why? Well, why not?

Do I need a miracle? Sure. I need to be able to walk, and to stop the disease, and to make all those malignant cells act normal.

But in the meantime I still have strong arms. I can exercise those until I pass out.

And when I wake up I will keep going until I pass out again and I will wait for my miracle.

If you're going to dream, dream big. If you're going to die, die hard.

Better to die on the road to Tokyo than in some hospital.

Call it hopeless, yeah. But I have hope, and that's all I need to make it to tomorrow.

The phoenix is going to rise from my ashes. I'm going to roll the stone away.

And this...when I get there, I will be sporting my one and only tattoo, on my right bicep.

FMF

So, all you LOYAL FMF'ers, you're on my TEAM. I pick you

ALL OF YOU.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 199 - Hold On to Your Dreams

Once again it is time for Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven weekly timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

The work this week is...well, I don't know what it is. It has been the worst of weeks, and I am writing ahead of time because I can. Yesterday I lost a quart or more of blood, and I did not know who Barbara was when she came home. I was giving the dogs pizza and beer for dinner. (So those to whose comments I did not reply, please forgive. At least you didn't get a rugby dinner.)

So, it's bad. prospects are bad. Outlook is grimmer than before. Today I went down outside, and the girls, Syl and Ladron, pulled me in. Blood trails and drag marks. I could not even crawl.

But I still have a dream, and I am going to share it with you.

It's called Tokyo. 2020. The decathalon.

When you stop laughing, yeah, I'm way too old, and way too sick, and I can't hardly even walk. This is stupid, right?

I mean, I'm incontinent. Want to know how many loads of laundry I've done today? No, you don't.

But I have faith.

And I am willing to hurt more and bleed more and sleep less than anyone else. God's got to count that for something.

Blame it on the dude who won in Rio. Before the 1500m, he said that he'd push hard enough to put himself in the hospital.

I'll see that, and raise it. I'll push hard enough to put myself in the grave.

Why? Well, why not?

Do I need a miracle? Sure. I need to be able to walk, and to stop the disease, and to make all those malignant cells act normal.

But in the meantime I still have strong arms. I can exercise those until I pass out.

And when I wake up I will keep going until I pass out again and I will wait for my miracle.

If you're going to dream, dream big.

Better to die on the road to Tokyo than in some hospital.

Call it hopeless, yeah. But I have hope, and that's all I need to make it to tomorrow.

And this...when I get there, I will be sporting my one and only tattoo, on my right bicep.

FMF

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 199 - Phoenix Rising {FMF}

Once again it is time for Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven weekly timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

The work this week is...well, I don't know what it is. It has been the worst of weeks, and I am writing ahead of time because I can. Yesterday I lost a quart or more of blood, and I did not know who Barbara was when she came home. I was giving the dogs pizza and beer for dinner. (So those to whose comments I did not reply, please forgive. At least you didn't get a rugby dinner. Well, almost. Barb grabbed the beer.)

So, it's bad. prospects are bad. Outlook is grimmer than before. Today I went down outside, and the girls, Syl and Ladron, pulled me in. Blood trails and drag marks. I could not even crawl.

But I still have a dream, and I am going to share it with you.

It's called Tokyo. 2020. The decathalon.

When you stop laughing, yeah, I'm way too old, and way too sick, and I can't hardly even walk. This is stupid, right? Like, delusional.

I mean, I'm incontinent. Want to know how many loads of laundry I've done today? No, you don't.

But I have faith.

And I am willing to hurt more and bleed more and sleep less than anyone else. God's got to count that for something.

Blame it on the dude who won in Rio. Before the 1500m, he said that he'd push hard enough to put himself in the hospital.

I'll see that, and raise it. I'll push hard enough to put myself in the grave.

Why? Well, why not?

Do I need a miracle? Sure. I need to be able to walk, and to stop the disease, and to make all those malignant cells act normal.

But in the meantime I still have strong arms. I can exercise those until I pass out.

And when I wake up I will keep going until I pass out again and I will wait for my miracle.

If you're going to dream, dream big. If you're going to die, die hard.

Better to die on the road to Tokyo than in some hospital.

Call it hopeless, yeah. But I have hope, and that's all I need to make it to tomorrow.

The phoenix is going to rise from my ashes. I'm going to roll the stone away.

And this...when I get there, I will be sporting my one and only tattoo, on my right bicep.

FMF

I am sore wounded but am not slain;
I will lay me down to bleed awhile,
and then rise to fight with you again.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 198 - Words Are Important

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages. Please visit for some really good posts on marriage.

This is going to be a short one. I feel awful. Sorry.

In the Bible it's called prophesying - speaking predictive words about or 'over' a person. Usually it's good stuff...a hopeful and faith-ful desire for that person's happiness and success.

But caregiving grinds you down, and it's not hard to get into a bad place with words, with the best of intentions.

"You're doing worse..." said sympathetically.

"I could see the day coming when I'd have to help you bathe." And one does want to help.

"You'll have to be using a walker soon...and then a wheelchair, I think." This is called 'helping to get ready for the inevitable'.

And, in speaking (hopefully) out of earshot of the patient...

"I don't know how much longer he can go on. I think we'll lose him soon."

It's tempting to say that these are partially selfish, the caregiver having to face these apparent truths him or herself, and talking them out. That may have an element of truth, but I really believe that they are said with the bet of intentions, to help ease what can be a very difficult path for a dying spouse, by expressing sympathy and understanding.
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Trouble is, they often make the situation worse. A person who's in a very hard fought to make it through each day upright doesn't need to be told that it's all in vain and that the deterioration will continue and indeed accelerate. He or she already knows that this is the likely course of events. A reminder isn't needed, and isn't really welcome, regardless of the good wishes with which it's delivered. The good wishes alone are really enough.

After all, God did make the world round so we couldn't see too far down the road.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 197 - The Miracle Of Family

Apologies for this post appearing late. Bad weekend; I was so ill that I spent part of it not knowing who I was, and not knowing who Barbara was. Not knowing who I am is not big deal, but messing up on The B...whoa. That's sick.

Still, this will be a short post, and it will be about The B and an aspect of caregiving that we hate to think of.

barbara's Dad, whom you may have read here suffered a stroke on Jul3 3, has moved into an assisted-living facility...which is in itself something of a miracle. He does have independence, with help if he needs it.

But the family home and much of its contents will be sold at auction, to build the financial cushion he needs, and therein lay some apparent heartbreak for The B.

See, she had a good childhood. She was the eldest child with two younger brothers (who still live close to the family roots, while she's half a continent away). She has good memories connected with that home, and with the items in that home.

And she thought, well, the timeline's too short. She'd never be able to get the things she really wanted out, and put into storage. That her memories would go under the auctioneer's hammer...that hurt.

But then her brothers and sisters-in-law stepped in. In a flurry of phone calls and text messages and photos, they identified those things dear to her heart...and saved them for her.

And they are safe for the duration. She doesn't know when she can retrieve them, but they are safe in a brother's barn.

She didn't expect this. She had felt far removed from her brothers, whose lives were very different in all respects.

She did not realize that blood runs deep, and that miracle is spelled F-A-M-I-L-Y.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 196 - Team Of One {FMF}

Once again it is time for Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven weekly timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

The work this week is TEAM.

Life will go on after I'm dead.

But I'm still here, and there are plans in the air for those days. Plans for things and places I won't see. An earlier me would perhaps have resorted to anger, or to sorrow.

But now I understand ever better, every day, that if I'm to win through I must be content to be my own team. A team of one.

Last night I went through a physical crisis. It was painful to the point of wishing that anything would end it, and not being able to summon help, I had to face it alone.

Then, the reflection...I had to face it alone because in a real sense I am alone. The life that I could take part in is gone, and the team from those days has gone on. I couldn't keep up. The smiles and hugs are there, the cheery greetings...but the eyes look into a future in which I have no part.

Liberating, that. No one to answer to, no one to cosset, no one whose weaknesses I have to carry. Heck, I have enough trouble with my own. The fight is My Very Own.

Alone, not lonely. A team of one.

Bring it.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 195 - Prayers

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages. Please drop by for some great posts about all aspects of marriage.

Being a caregiver for anyone is hard, and you're going to need help to keep it all together. Friends, family, co-workers...they're all important.

But don't forget God. (And remember the old British Navy prayer..."I will be busy in the battle today, O Lord, but if I forget Thee, please do not forget me.")

That means taking some time in private conversation with the Big Fella. Not "while I'm running errands", or "I'll pray when I go to bed toni...ZZZZZZZ".

In this kind of hard passage, it's got to be intentional.

So, I have a suggestion. Take five minutes and write your prayer down. Physically. You can do it with a pen and notebook, or on your computer, or on your phone if you like those nasty little touch-screen keyboards. But the important thing is to frame your prayer intentionally, and record it.

This does a couple of things. First, i focuses your thought on what you need to pray about. You have to choose the words; may as well make them count, right?

And second, you're building a spiritual discipline. You get in the habit, and it will stay a habit. As things get worse, as your spouse circles ever-closer to the drain, you're going to need it.

And when death comes, you're really going to need that spiritual grounding, because while it may seem like it will come as kind of a relief (and it will be kind of a relief, nothing wrong with that) the time of mourning can't be shortchanged, and it'll cut you deeper than you can ever imagine.

You can and should also write a prayer for your husband or wife...and if your mate is up to it, ask for one in return.

If you keep them, these pits of paper or patterns of pixels will turn to golden links in a chain that will bind you closer to God. (Wish I could say the image is original, but I lifted it from Tennyson's poem "The Death Of Arthur", from the cycle "The Idylls Of The King.")

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 194 - Assumptions

As a caregiver, you'll naturally try to put your heart and ind in the shoes of the loved one you're helping.

And you should; you should try to build both sympathy and empathy to the greatest degree possible, because God knows there will be days when it's all too much and you'll feel anything but sympathetic. (And don't beat yourself up for this; it's a normal part of the process.)

There are places, though, where you should tread with caution. A terminal diagnosis changes a person, and the things you could have safely assumed about your spouse may no longer hold true.

For example, almost everyone I meet thinks I should be depressed, and that if I'm not I'm in denial. They don't see, and perhaps they can't see, that there's nothing to be depressed about; there is nothing I have lost.

OK, I'll give you a minute to push away from the screen, shake your head, and say, "OK, he's flipped. Just gone."

You've lost your future! - How could I lose something I never had? I may have assumed I would have that future, but that was really a wish. All I ever had was the moment. I just understand that better now.

You've lost physical and mental abilities! - Well, sure. They've changed, and I don't have either the strength or the sharpness I once possessed. But these are transient things, and the loss of strength in my shoulders is counterweighted by the gain in resolve and discipline...and the loss of the ability to carry on a conversation (I misplace words now, and I'm slow) is offset by the realization that I need not impress anyone with knowledge or cleverness. One things falls, another rises. Not the same, but not all that different.

You've lost your faith that God is watching out for you!  Oh, PLEASE. Bad things don't happen because the Almighty withdraws His Favour, or because He's arbitrary about the people with whom He plays Whack-A-Mole.

We're here for a reason, and that is to exercise our free will to choose to become fit citizens of Heaven, to share it with Him. Free will's a rule, and it implies that really nasty stuff can happen because other people exercise their free will the wrong way...or even that nature operates with something analogous, so hello earthquakes and tsunamis and cancer

For God to change the rules and shield me - or anyone - would be to negate the whole purpose of the exercise...which is to choose Life, to choose Eternal Life in the face of our worst nightmares.

How can I complain about that?

So, please...even if you think it's unfair, don't assume that I do.

I've made my peace. Good to go.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.