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Thursday, February 15, 2018

Your Dying Spouse 444 - Caregiver's Shame (Barbara) {FMF}

Caregiver's Shame, the Chronically Ill can reduce the shame

Folks, it is Real.   Long term caregivers experience more shame then they allow the outside world to see.   The outside world is divided into categories: public and private.   Public is any Tom,  Jane,  or child that could judge the Caregiver's home condition without enough information.  Public isn't just church,  work, or neighbor, it can include family and friends. Private is under the Caregiver's own roof.   Private includes the long-term person, kids, anyone living in the household. Private also may include the caregiver(s).

Each situation of caregiving is different,  but one fear is true regardless,  when life gets out of control, the fear of judgement creeps into the caregivers mind.

Chances are the caregiver saw months before or years before what future living accommodations would need changing,  what finance decision would need to be take care to protect assets,  what legal documentation would need to be put into place and safely kept, what lifestyle adjustments would need to occur so daily life would be easier for both the long-term person and all living in the household,  etc.

However,  the long-term person doesn't look at life through the same lens.   The focus is what they want now, the future is too far away.   And the focus of both parties is conflicting.  Neither is wrong but as with all conflict there is neutral ground.

I recognize both parties are losing much due to the illness.   I need to be straight forward here,  the long-term ill person needs the audacity to get through each day.   However, cooperation with the caregiver must be a focus as well.  If the ill person stands in the way of the Caregiver's preparation either the caregiver will stop preparing and future life will be difficult to handle,  or eventually the caregiver will move on with life and the ill  person will be left behind.

The caregiver that sticks it out, that is making due and daily life is spinning out of control, will harbor many statements of could have,  would have,  should have.   The one statement of fear is: under my current situation I can't get help,  I'll be judged for the living conditions or legally required to get them changed.   This then spirals more shame and fear thoughts.

I have to say, I have no profound fix for a caregiver faced with the shame dilemma.  I do ask that each of us consider that as we mature there may come a day when circumstances places us as the ill person, acute or chronic.   Someone will be deemed your caregiver,  how will you handle the relationship?


Jesus told us that we can do greater things than what He had done, what does that mean? If we look with His heart with His eyes with His understanding, do we see more than the angels see?

Music from Amy Grant, If I Could See (What The Angels See):


If you're interested, you can find Andrew's books on Amazon.

20 comments:

  1. Aww, I'm so sorry for all you guys are going through. Don't let the devil shame you. You are acting as Jesus' hands and feet. Don't second-guess yourself or the decisions that you've had to make. I'm lifting you up in prayer!

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    1. It is a challenge, but His easy yoke makes positive awareness possible.

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  2. Sooooooo much yes to this, Barb. I did a lot of "what my house should look like" when the multiple volunteers came to help with Dad. When I would dress in crappy clothes to take him to the doctor and see other women there with every hair in place, looking patient and cheerful. These are minor examples compared to what you are going through, but my attempt at telling you how much I relate. Sending much love. Prayers too.

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    1. Paula, thank you for sharing.
      Many people hide behind cheer and are beyond overwhelment. Sunday, I had to do a last minute grocery run. Thankful the items I need let me run to Dollar General in my yuky ranch clothes so I won't have to change. I'm always over conscience in public when dressed like that.

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  3. Barb, may you lift your head in the confidence you are doing a beautiful, wonderful, and needed act in caring for Andrew. Praying for you both this morning.

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    2. Joanne, thank you for the words of encouragement. When I am too tired to fight Lucifer, I ask Jesus and Archangel Michael to show up. Michael can easily put Lucifer down for the count Jesus gets to give the command.

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  4. As if there wasn't enough to be concerned about, shame arrives. We don't have the time or energy to let it drain us dry. We're too busy living life, giving hope, making it through the day.

    Barb - I love that you guys are tag-teaming together. That says alot about who you both are. I hope this weekend has some bright moments for you both ...

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    1. Yes, Lucifer has a great multiple weapon arsenal. It is both individuals responsibility to keep evil out of the daily function of life. It's inevitable that you will be blind sided, but it's how you God react that keeps Lucifer on the run. Even be angry, make it's righteous anger with Lucifer and his desperate band of fallen angels.
      Thank you for the reminder to look for the good each day.

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  5. Your post gave me a new perspective. From where I stand, my thoughts have always similarly echoed a previous post: You are doing something "beautiful, wonderful, and needful".

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    1. Thank you. It is my Savior beauty shining thru, my mire humanity would react far differently.

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  6. Thank you for bearing your heart. I am sure it is a great release to be able to do that. For I find release in the same. Oh, Jesus died for the shame as well as the pain. You and Andrew are walking the journey and no one can tell you how to do it. In my prayers still. Thanks for this song! Never heard it before. Love it!

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  7. Andrew has said he hopes you find a new husband as soon as he's gone. Even though you're stuck with all the work, and your situation must be horrendous, I hope it's helpful to know he still loves you and wants what's best for you. As my college psych professor said, "When the happiness and well-being of another are essential o one's own happiness and well-being a state of love exists." I pray for both of you every day.

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    1. Very profound statement.
      Andrew genuinely wants my life to be easier someday. He continually encourages me to nurture friendships that can have longevity and ever present support now. For me to do those things means his life is even more alone. It is a two edged sword for me, but I know if development doesn't happen now I will be alone in the future.

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  8. Continuing to lift you both in prayer.

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    1. Debbie, thank you. Prayers are our eve present protection.

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  9. Apparently Blogger doesn't like me. I commented last night, but it's not here. :(

    So, here goes, one more time . . .

    Barbara, I'm so sorry about the events of this week. And the shame that haunts when things go awry. I could tell you not to feel shame. But, that doesn't stop the feeling from slithering into your thoughts.

    I am praying for you guys. That God will give you eyes to see your situation through His grace, to turn the condemnation that some may insinuate back on it's face. I'm praying for all kinds of strength for you, and for Andrew. May you be able to see the pleasure God views you with. He is delighted in YOU.

    I'm praying for you both this weekend. ((HUGS))

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    1. Jeanne, no worries I fought with blogger last night too. I think I had to make 5 attempts before I existed.

      Your insightful prayer brings comfort to our weariness. A bright reminder to view yourself thru eyes of love.

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  10. Barb, I am so grateful for your hard won wisdom. I pray that you will be strengthened by the love of the Lord and the prayers that I know are going out for you both (I am praying along with the many).

    No weapon formed against you will prosper. I pray that the Lord will crush all the schemes of the enemy.

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  11. I do hope you don't allow these tapes of shame to play in your head, Barbara! What a great team you and Andrew are and I'm so grateful that you've tirelessly served him--when he's let you! ha! He does seem to be fiercely independent! Prayers are being lifted for you two!

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