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Thursday, November 2, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 400 - The Price We Pay {FMF}

A comment that my dear friend Tara Ulrich left on my final post for #write31days got me thinking...

Death is the price we pay for living, and grief is the price we pay for loving.

We can't 'not live'...or can we?

I think maybe some people do, hiding behind material things and thrills and self-medication, refusing to look in the mirror that show's time's passage.

They can't conceive of a death that will take them from their lives, and they seek to enmesh themselves so deeply that maybe death won't be able to take them. They're just too busy!

Or they'll be so well hidden, and perhaps so stoned, that death just won't bother.

Neither is an effective strategy; death will come, but these unfortunates will miss an important truth, neatly summed up in a famous Klingon proverb:

Death is an experience best shared.

By fighting to ignore death and deny it,one also keeps community at arm's length. We offer grace when we help others, but I suspect we offer a wider and deeper grace when we let others help us.

When we share our mortality, our very frightened vulnerability, we give our friends...and sometimes those we may have thought of as enemies...the chance to walk in Christ's footsteps, and to carry His Compassion to wipe our fevered brow.

And thus, love.

When we shy away from grief, we shy away from love, both given and received. We all have to wear our suits or armour, like the knights of old, lest we be overcome by sorrow...but the person who forswears grief has grown into that armour, and it's steel all the way through.

And they think steel is invulnerable, but it's not.

Hearts are not flint, and flint is rent;
hearts are not steel, and steel is bent.

These words, from Sir Walter Scott's Rokeby, speak a terrible truth. We can harden our hearts enough to keep out those who would love us, but even the hardest heart - and I had one of these - cannot keep from being touched by love.

And in the hardness, we end up alone. The grief is not deflected; it can focus on us all the more, and by taking the hard road we can find ourselves with no one to help carry that crushing weight.

The price we pay for open hearts and open arms is the foreknowledge of death, and the grief of loss, but these are infinitely more bearable than the alternative.

Our hearts need to bleed, for only thus can our blood mingle with the Blood of the Lamb. (Need is the FMF prompt this week.)

Music from the Alan Parsons Project, with the lovely hymn Closer To Heaven.


I did make it through the #write31days challenge!


October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver
October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven
October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust
October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?
October 13 - Taking Care Of God
October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave
October 21 - Caregiver, Give Hope

Write 31 Days prompts - 2017

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.










48 comments:

  1. Hi Andrew. Thank you for the blessings of your words.

    Hugs,
    Melinda
    (Your neighbor at FMF)

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    1. Thank you so much, Melinda, and please pardon the tardiness of my reply. Really terrible wee, and the hugs are most appreciated!

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  2. "We offer grace when we help others, but I suspect we offer a wider and deeper grace when we let others help us."

    Letting others help us widens and deepens the grace. The humility of receiving transforms us and blesses the giver. It's a beautiful exchange expanded by God's love.

    Thanks for being in the FMF community.

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    1. Cheryl, I love the way you put this..."It's a beautiful exchange expanded by God's love." That is so perfect!

      Please pardon my late reply. Things are kind of bad this week.

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  3. This: The price we pay for open hearts and open arms is the foreknowledge of death, and the grief of loss, but these are infinitely more bearable than the alternative.

    Our hearts need to bleed, for only thus can our blood mingle with the Blood of the Lamb.

    Good words

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    1. Thank you so much, Annette, and I so appreciate your being here. Truly.

      Please excuse my late reply. It's been a dreadful week.

      Delete
  4. Wow. Yes, you are so right. The denial of death and grief has such a high cost, much higher than the alternative. Utterly profound.

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    1. Emma, thank you so much for this, and please overlook the lateness of my reply. It truly couldn't be helped.

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  5. Wonderful thoughts as always, Andrew. You are in my prayers today.

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    1. Thank you so much, Nanette, and I truly appreciate the prayers...and need them. It's been a really horrible week, hence my delay in replying.

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  6. There's so much about this I like, appreciate, needed to hear and resonates deep within. Good writing, Andrew.

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    1. Thank so so much, Debby, I really appreciate this! And I do apologise for my late reply. Bad week, like totally.

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  7. I tried to find the words that resonated most deeply but then I would have had to copy your entire post. Truly beautiful, Andrew. Just like you and Barbara.

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    1. Gosh, Debbie, I am so honoured! I don't now what to say...and neither does Barbara...except, Thank You.

      And please pardon my delay in replying; it was a hard week.

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  8. The quote Tara U shared is pivotal, isn't it? We love you A & B!!!

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    1. Susan, Tara's quote was truly a blessing...she's so smart! I really look up to her.

      As I look up to to you. Love back, from everyone here!

      XOXOXOWaggyWaggyWOOF!!!!

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  9. May we continue to live each day, knowing that death no longer has a sting because of Christ. May we choose to love and be loved. Praying for you today.

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    1. Carol, I love this...May we choose to love and be loved. What a gift!

      Thank you so much for the prayers, and please pardon the tardiness of my reply. It's been quite a nasty week.

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  10. So true- grief and love are intertwined. The reality of death is not easy to face but we are better doing it together, allowing others in and showing compassion to one another.

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    1. Lesley, you're so right...in this,as in so many things, we are better together than alone.

      Thank you so much for being here, and please excuse my late reply.

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  11. Amen. As an introvert, I find community tiring--but I am certain that God created us for community--both with others and himself. Our lives are enriched each time we let someone in--whether it be in our living or our dying.

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    1. Anita, I am the same way...community is quite exhausting, but not having it is even more draining, in an insidious kind of way.

      You're right; we are made to let people in, because only through this can we let Jesus in, as well.

      Thank you so much for being here,and please excuse my late reply.

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  12. Good thoughts, Andrew. Love those quotes. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much for being here, Beth, and please pardon the delay in my reply. It's been a hard week.

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  13. "When we shy away from grief, we shy away from love, both given and received." so true andrew!

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    1. Thank you so much, Martha, and please excuse my delay in responding. Quite a rough week.

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  14. Wow. I'm honored my comment got you thinking. Honored to be in the fold of your love friend. I'm over in the 44 spot this week.

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    1. Tara, I am honoured by YOU! I look up to you, more than I can say. You are a shining example.

      Please pardon my delay in replying; it's been a dreadful week.

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  15. Hi Andrew! Thanks for sharing this. "The price we pay for open hearts and open arms is the foreknowledge of death, and the grief of loss, but these are infinitely more bearable than the alternative." So true. I'm thankful for my grief because I know it came from something that was worth the risk. Praying for you!

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    1. Amy, I love the way you put that, being thankful for your grief because it came from something that was worth the risk. So true, and so very profound!

      And thank you so much for your prayers; they are very much needed, as these have been very bad days...hence the late reply which I hope you will forgive.

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  16. If we couldn't grieve we couldn't love. We'd be like black widow spiders that eat their own mates.

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    1. Jan, that is perfect! Thank you for adding this!

      And please pardon my late reply; it was a bad week.

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    1. Thank you so much, Paula, and please excuse my delay in replying; it's been a very tough week.

      Delete
  18. "The price we pay for open hearts and open arms is the foreknowledge of death, and the grief of loss, but these are infinitely more bearable than the alternative.

    Our hearts need to bleed, for only thus can our blood mingle with the Blood of the Lamb."

    Duuuuuuuuude.... I have no other words. This is truly profound.

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    1. Marie, thank you so very, very much...I am truly honoured.

      And please pardon my late reply?

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  19. Good job on completing the 31 day challenge. Your post reminds me a lot of C.S. Lewis and things that he wrote as his wife was dying. (and afterward.) Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

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    1. Mindy, thank you so much...I didn't thin I'd get through the Challenge, but am glad I did. And I am so honoured to be mentioned in the same sentence as C.S. Lewis..."A Grief Observed" is a masterpiece.

      Thank you so much for being here...and please pardon my late reply. It's been a hard week.

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  20. "Our hearts need to bleed, for only thus can our blood mingle with the Blood of the Lamb." Wow! I don't want to bleed. I don't want to hurt, and I think that I am doing myself a favor by hiding in my shell like a turtle, but I am only hurting myself more when I do that. Thank you so much for sharing this Andrew -Jolene

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    1. Jolene, Iove the imagery of the turtle,anof the cost of hiding in the shell...thank you for bringing it to the conversation.

      I'm so grateful for your presence here,and ask your forgiveness for the tardiness of my reply.

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  21. WOW! Beautiful post and so well written. I will need to reread it a few times to let it sink in. Thanks Andrew!

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    1. Leigh, thank you so much, and please forgive my tardy response; it has been a very hard week.

      I am so grateful for your presence here, and your friendship.

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  22. Andrew so many great words here! Grieving is so important. I have been thinking of it lately for I am learning that I have mourned too long, but grieving is not the same as mourning. Andrew, I just read another post and thought it was you (wondered why it didn't look the same))---duh) and I wrote this long response and posted it. Then I realized it was Jordan, who I have never heard of before so I had to write another post explaining myself. Now you know what I need....a brain!! I am #70 this week.

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    1. Mary, I've done the same thing, responding to a post that I thought was written by someone else! If it's just you and me who did this, I feel like I am in good company.

      You're so right, that mourning and grieving are quite different. It is a hard lesson to learn, and you are in my daily prayers.

      Thank you so much for being here, and please excuse my tardy response. It's been a very hard week.

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  23. Andrew, I"m late to the party, but this post is powerful. In its words, I hear the progression of your heart toward that openness and willingness to invite others in to your pain. Thank you for sharing your wisdom here, and thank you for your transparency. And, thank you for your friendship.

    Continuing to pray for you and Barb, my friend!

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    1. Jeanne, thank you so much...I so appreciate the insight here!

      Thank you so much for your prayers - they are needed - and your friendship, which means the world to me.

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  24. This is so beautiful, Andrew: "Death is an experience best shared.
    By fighting to ignore death and deny it,one also keeps community at arm's length. We offer grace when we help others, but I suspect we offer a wider and deeper grace when we let others help us."

    Wow. It can be applied to both Death and lots of little deaths as well.

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    1. Lisa, you're so right; life has so many small deaths that are no less heartbreaking than the big one, and so often overlooked.

      Thank you for this, and please pardon my delay in replying. It was a dreadful week.

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