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Friday, January 1, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 100 - Real Fear

Interesting that the 100th post in this series falls on New Years' Day. Does any significance attach to that? I wonder.

As I write this, in the evening of my birthday, I'm hurting.

It's been a good day, but the pain has been nothing less than ferocious. Pain meds have not done the job, and my legs are shaking. I can hardly stand.

And I am afraid. There is a dread that I have not felt before.

I don't know what it means, except that I wish this were not happening.

I wish God would send His angels, now, to gather 'round me.

But the only thing I hear from His Throne is, "Keep going."

I am so tired of being brave. The process of building up morale every morning, every noon, every night...it's taking me down to the bone.

And yet, it's necessary.

Because life is still good.

God is still good.

And that is the proof, if I ever needed it, that He is there.

Illness is not good. Death is the last enemy...and dying is, no mistake, an enemy, and a desperately horrible process.

But this witness, that the good in life can be wrung from the nightmare...that is what matters.

This blog is not ''powered by Blogger'. It's powered by love.

Love for you who are reading it,love for my human and canine family, and love for the God Who drives me to keep faith, and Who tells me to keep my dreams alive.

The only answer to real fear is real love.

Because of faith hope, and love, as Paul said, love is the greatest of these.

And with love comes courage.


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34 comments:

  1. You are a wise man. I won't stop praying for you.

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    1. Jan, thank you so much. I don't feel wise, really. I'm to the point where all I can do is react, and hope that the reaction's the right one. A bit like a boxer blinded by swelling around the eyes, I can only swing on intuition.

      Thank you so much for the prayers. I truly appreciate them!

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  2. Bless you, Andrew. Happy Belated Birthday. Best wishes to you.

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    1. Thank you so much, Norma! You're in my prayers.

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  3. Happy birthday blessings, Andrew. My prayer for you is to feel the comfort of His arms around you. And to feel the prayers of those whom you touch through this blog every time you write.

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    1. There is comfort, June, and I do feel the prayers as an almost physical support around me. Prayers are so valuable!

      Thank you so much for being here.

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  4. Happy Birthday Andrew. Thank you for sharing your thoughts even though it has been a rough day. Praying you get some quality sleep and that you feel God's loving presence.

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    1. Michele, thank you. Sleep is hard, but I do love the still watches of the night. Being awake to appreciate them is OK.

      And thank you so much for the prayers!

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  5. Hoping you are celebrating your birthday by a good night's rest.

    Blessings.

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    1. Michelle, thank you! Rest is there, if not sleep...and if I'm awake I can have one of those lovely cigars!

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  6. Sorry it's been so tough. Thank you for your honesty. Praying for you, that you will know God's perfect love, even in the midst of your fear.

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    1. Carly, thank you so much. The rough days continue, and they prayers are ever-more important.

      Thank you for being here.

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  7. Birthday blessings to you, Andrew. May you experience His love in a special way through having written this tender and powerful post.

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    1. Thank you so much, Michele...He is, indeed, here.

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  8. I can't even describe how this post makes me feel. There aren't words sufficient for how full I feel, how it weakens my knees and makes me hope you can feel the prayers surge across the web for you!

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    1. I do feel the prayers, Carrie, and appreciate them more than I can say. They are what keeps me coming back, and writing. And they keep me trying to live in the best way possible. Can't do it alone.

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  9. And you made it through to say 'Happy New Year' to us all... to remind us God is good, and to press on when life seems overwhelming. So Happy New Year back, and Happy belated birthday to you, and may your joy overflow, despite the horrid pain of it all.

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    1. Ruth, thank you! I didn't think I would make it to 2016. The closing days of the year were frightful, and the opening days of the New year are hardly less so.

      But it's worth going on; life is still something of value, and God is here.

      And thank you so much for the prayers and good wishes.

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  10. Andrew, It seem so appropriate that you are a New Year's Baby. Your blog posts wherever I've found them have opened my eyes to new ideas and understandings. I pray for you every time I read one of your posts. You're a blessing to us all.

    I'm home now, and as promised, my email is now on your list. Look for the last name.
    Carol A.

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    1. Carol, thank you so much for the kind words, and especially for the prayers. They are so vital these days!

      I hope you had a wonderful trip and New Year's Day!

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  11. Andrew - Powered by love - both from you and to you. Still praying for you.

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    1. Thank you so much, Paul. Please keep the prayers coming. I'm hurting.

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  12. Courage, my friend, Andrew...the greatest IS love; and your love for your human and canine family, and the bloggin' family...special, Andrew! God's instrument for sure to bring the Word to all of us!

    Prayers for you and Barb; and for strength, courage and less pain...Happy Birthday and Hugs to you both!

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    1. Barbara, thank you so much! COurage can be hard to find these days, but the warmth of my friends' prayers keeps me going, and I can draw strength now from the courage and faith of others.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  13. I don't like the sound of that, Andrew--a new "dread" that you feel. You've got my prayers that God comforts and strengthens you so that you weather another storm in this ongoing battle with life and death. We don't want you to leave us, my friend! You do too much good here in this place, Andrew. Never think any other way!

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    1. The new dread is really harsh, Beth...I don't like it at all, either. It's done a lot to sap both morale and energy.

      I don't want to leave either, and your encouragement and prayers mean so much - they give me the strength to keep going.

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  14. Praying these words from Psalm 139 over you. He promises us His Word will not return void to Him:

    If Andrew says, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
    12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
    13 For you created Andrew's inmost being;
    you knit him together in his mother’s womb.
    14 We praise you because Andrew is fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    We know that full well.
    15 Andrew's frame was not hidden from you
    when he was made in the secret place,
    when he was woven together in the depths of the earth.
    16 Your eyes saw his unformed body;
    all the days ordained for him were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
    17 How precious to us are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
    18 Were we to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when Andrew awakes, he is still with you.

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    1. Oh, Anna, thank you so much for this! It's a treasure, and will be printed out for framing. Truly, truly, a blessing for me. Thank you!

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  15. So true -- "the only answer to real fear is real love."

    Praying you will continue to be surrounded by that love, and will feel it more tangibly then ever.

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    1. Sarah, thank you. The love is what keeps me going. Dreams and ambitions fade away, and all the moto slogans and posturing becomes hollow...but Love remains.

      Thank you for being here.

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  16. LIfting you up in prayer, my friend!

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    1. Anita, thank you, and as I write this...those prayers are so very needed!

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