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Thursday, September 3, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 52 - I Want to Live {FMF}

Time for another Five Minute Friday, the timed and keyword themed writing challenge, hosted by the gracious Kate Motaung.

The keyword this week is YES.

(We're also linked to Lisha Epperson's Give Me Grace and with Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday.)

Execute.

Yes. I want to live.

The past weeks have been difficult, more painful than I could have imagined, and frightening. The pain in my midsection (along the lower margin of the ribs, and in the back, on the right side) feels like I've been chainsawed. Straightening up is hard. Walking is an ordeal - every step with my right foot sends a spear up the leg into my gut.

Eating is a chore. I have to get the calories in, and hydrate. It hurts to eat, but allowing myself the luxury of eating as much as I think I can just starts me down a slope that' can't be climbed again. I have to hydrate, one sip at a time. The calories are counted - I've got to reach a certain intake...

...and maintain the activity level to burn those, and keep my body as fit as I can.

And sleep - the literal stuff of nightmares. The dawn is so welcome!

And that's why, YES, I want to live.

The dawn brings hope. Not the false hope that this will all go away, but the hope that I can transcend this vale of tears, and still do something useful.

Most of the dreams I had are fading. I'm not going to be a successful and renowned author...but I do have one published novel,Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart, and I'm proud of it. Readers like it. So do I.

I'm not going to finish my airplane-building project...but every day I can still do something small, because meaning is, in the end, found in living the process.

Our marriage is not what I hoped it would be, now...Barbara has to help me bathe, and help me dress. She is always wondering, when she leaves for work...will I be alive when she gets home?

And sometimes I'm in so much pain that she wishes God would take me, so I wouldn't have to suffer any more. I understand that. I know the value - and please don't ask for details - of the coup de grace.

But I love her, and she loves me, and sometimes we can share a small joke, or a squeeze of the shoulders that counts for a hug. It hurts too much to hug her properly. But one does what one can.

I like the smell of her hair, and the way the morning and evening lights make her eyes sparkle.

And YES, I still want to live. I want to see the sun rise, and feel its warmth. I want to sit amidst the dogs, and let them play around me - and they're very careful not to hurt me - they know.

I want to read a good book, and see a movie that challenges me to keep going, to look for meaning on those dark days when all seems lost.

And I want to be here. I want to tell you all that this life is worthwhile in the details, even when the big picture is darkening.

That it isn't about what you experience, what you get out of it.

Life is about what you give from where you are.

I'm giving everything I have now.

Endex.

Honesty is hard. It is also required.

There was a song running through my head while I wrote this - Enya's "Book of Days".
Here's the Youtube link, if you care to give it a listen



61 comments:

  1. I am happy you are saying yes despite your ailments. Thank you for linking up!! I deal with physical pain from my back and pelvis and I also have PTSD so I know a little about wanting to give up. I often remind myself that the Lord paints the sky just for me. It really is the small that makes up the big!! <3

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    1. The Lord paints the sky for me...oh, how I love that! Thank you so much!

      I have PTSD (combat trauma) as well, so I can sympathize your having to deal with that combination of afflictions. My prayers are with you.

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  2. I was thinking of you tonight when I wrote my post, Andrew. Because I can't even imagine the pain you're going through and I feel like a whimp even sharing about my own current chronic tiredness and fatigue. I've been laying on the couch practically useless all afternoon, and God has brought you and other friends to mind some days--how much we need His grace when we are weak, how desperately we need Him even when we're well. So thank you for writing honestly here and sharing what it's like to experience the reality of slipping from one world into another. I look forward to each week's post and pray you experience a double measure of grace as the days get longer and harder.

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    1. Asheritah, thank you so much...there's a double measure of grace in your comment!

      For what it's worth, I've learned that even in the times when I can't do anything but half-watch a DVD (and that's becoming more frequent), it's serving a purpose. Even if it's a necessary part of regaining some measure of strength, I've learned not to resent it.

      Also, it may be God's way of slowing you down to hear a very deep message told by a very small voice. I don't know what chronic fatigue feels like, but I offer those thoughts in the hope that they might dispel the useless feeling..

      Thank you so much for the prayers. Tonight is hard; I need them, and appreciate them more than you know.

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  3. Andrew, you're in my prayers throughout each day. When you're quiet in our common blog-places, I pray.

    And this line: "meaning is, in the end, found in living the process." It spoke to me. I'm pondering the profound truth in these words. I love your descriptions of the good things in your life, the things you're doing out of sheer discipline, determination to live each day well.

    And the line about life being about how we give from where we are? You set a high bar for living this one out. Thank you for that. I'm praying for you and Barb.

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    1. Jeanne, thank you so much! You always bring a ray of light and a shower of grace here, with your comments. I appreciate them, and you prayers, so much!

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  4. I'm with Jeanne--I'm letting those words sink in deep. May God continue to bless you as you say "Yes!" to living.

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    1. Thank you! God is continuing to bless me, every day. No room to swing a cat...I'm surrounded by blessings, and they far outweigh the inconvenience of dying.

      Yes!

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  5. You continually inspire me, Andrew. You most certainly are giving from where you are. Thank you for doing so. I, too, pray for you daily. I hope it helps to know you have many who are in your corner, even though most of us can't begin to relate to what you experience on a daily basis. I appreciate how you see life, and how you share it, and that you're doing everything you can to say YES to living. God bless you, brother!

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    1. I really appreciate your being here, Julie, and your comments. You have are a voice of grace and wisdom, and in every one of your blog posts I learn something, and find a bit more of the better part of me.

      Knowing that I'm surrounded by the love of friends, and held aloft by prayer, is an incredible feeling. Just wonderful.

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  6. You continually inspire me, Andrew. You most certainly are giving from where you are. Thank you for doing so. I, too, pray for you daily. I hope it helps to know you have many who are in your corner, even though most of us can't begin to relate to what you experience on a daily basis. I appreciate how you see life, and how you share it, and that you're doing everything you can to say YES to living. God bless you, brother!

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  7. Andrew, I'm so glad you are still here friend. Today as I celebrated another year of life, I'm rwminded of how fast that life can be taken away. I'm not going to take that for granted. Hope is a wonderful gift to cling too. Still praying.

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    1. As I write this, Tara, it's a happy belated birthday...but I did catch your post on YES...uh, yes-terday.

      Sorry, couldn't resist.

      It's funny; even as things are taken away, their place is taken by other things...closer-to-God things.

      I don't mean the kind of foot-stomping Hosanna, or even the presence of a personal God felt real and deep. It's more a knowing, that everything that happens is incorporated, sometimes as improvisation, into God's plan.

      I don't think he sent me this condition - I think He's really upset by how much it hurts - but He's the Master of the Quick Reaction, and He's using it for a good that might otherwise have been longer-delayed, or harder to find.

      Thank you so much for the prayers. A bit rough today, and rougher as I write this.

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  8. Praising God with you for His working in your life that keeps you saying "yes."

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    1. Thank you, Michele. God makes me want to say Yes to hope, and to say Yes to the current situation, at the same time. Not as much a dichotomy as it seems, because accepting pain, without resentment or bitterness, is what holds open the door to Hope.

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  9. As hard as these yeses are, you are choosing the best yes. God bless you Andrew. You are an inspiration to all your FMF friends for sure. Neighbor #54

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    1. I'm so honoured to be a part of this, Susan. I learn so much from everyone here.

      Off to your site later this evening!

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    1. Thank you so much Helen. Your care, and your friendship mean more to me than you know.

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  11. Following your example, I think I can do the best with what I have and the challenges I'm facing today, Andrew. Glad you're still saying "yes."

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    1. Thanks for being here, Betsy - it's all about showing up for our lives in the Now, I think.

      That's really the biggest thing the Almighty expects of us.

      Funny thing...getting a bit worse every week, (if not every day)...and I find more and more reasons to say Yes!

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  12. Andrew, your small Yeses inspire me. Your will to continue on. I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm so glad you shared. -an #evergrateful FMFparty friend:)

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    1. Christina, thank you so much...and thank you for being here. Being surrounded by love and support is a huge part of what makes it possible to carry on.

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  13. Andrew, the title of your book just made me think of another one that's coming out soon. My friend Sheridan Voysey just released a free ebook called 5 Practices for a Resilient Life based on the Sermon on the Mount---a precursor to the actual book (called Resilient, release date 10/21). I have found it healing for my soul. You may want to check it out. http://sheridanvoysey.com/fivepractices

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  14. Peace, my friend. The prayers keep flowing.

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    1. The prayers are so very appreciated, Norma. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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  15. Andrew,
    you DID post! "Yes!" He did it! He's still here! (and how selfish for wanting you to be here)
    But, you did touch on that in your post too. We want to be together. "Yes" to Jesus means that we get community with everyone else who says "yes" to Him. Is that not the greatest gift besides eternity with Jesus? We will never have to say goodbye again.
    The joy of the Lord will be our strength. Persevering alongside you, dear brother. And thankful for another of your posts.
    ~Tammy
    (linked at #72 today)
    I've been painting my classroom for the last two days and the last two mornings I've been slathering on the "Icy Hot". My husband says I smell like an "old lady"...but it's allowing me to be able to keep on. Nowhere near your pain level. Still, for an almost-34 year old, up and down climbing on chairs and desks to brush at ceiling and stoop down to brush at baseboard level then rollers on the walls...I'm not a teenager anymore. :p

    Grace and peace to you, my friend!

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    1. Never having to say goodbye again...I could sure say Yes to that.

      Ah, yes, Icy Hot...I've gone through a lot of it in my time!

      Thanks for being here, Tammy; you always give me a smile.

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  16. thanks for visiting my blog again! I cannot begin to imagine what you're experiencing, but what a strong reverberating YES your support for everyone brings them. Peace and blessings!

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    1. God has made the hardest days of my life into diamonds. Never would have expected it...but, well, He's God, right? And that's what He SAID He'd do!

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  17. Reading your heart, Andrew...saying "Yes" is not always easy...saying "Yes" that you DO want to live...seems easy enough; yet, is it really? Your words always inspire; always make me take another look at my life and whether or not I am living it as I should be. And, as a caregiver, of sorts, to my husband - well, it's easy to see that I can almost "see" myself in Barbara's shoes; though our situation is not the same!

    Thank you as always; prayers as always, Andrew and Barbara...always!

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    1. It's easier to say Yes than it may look, Barbara. As things get worse in the physical realm, the Almighty has opened my eyes to things eternal. Not visions of Heaven or anything like that - those I will take as it comes.

      It's more the way He uses the events in our lives - if we cooperate, just a little - for good.He didn't bring this upon me, but He's eager to make the best of it, if I will make an effort to help.

      Thank you so much for the prayers!

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  18. Your perseverance is challenging. What am I doing in my present here and now that is life giving? Your words and attitude toward life push me to better examine my own life. Thank you... and thank you to Barbara as well. You are both a beautiful example of love!

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    1. Thank you Rachel...and for what it may be worth, the writing I've seen in your blog is VERY life-giving.

      Don't think y'all need to worry 'bout that 'un.

      Thank you so much for being here.

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  19. Your strength, His strength, is showing, friend ...

    May you know that truth and may it give you peace as we head into September ...

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    1. Thank you, Linda...without His strength there wouldn't be much of a chance to begin with

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  20. Your desire is, I think, the evidence of God's planting a longing for eternity in our hearts. We somehow know, without realizing, that death is not how it was meant to be.

    Lifting you up today, brother.

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    1. Marie, I'm in awe. You said that beautifully.

      Thank you -

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  21. I love hearing your "yes". You strengthen me to want to be my best everyday. Your words always lift me up and hit a cord every time. Thank you for being who you are and for inspiring all of us. Blessings and prayers.

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    1. Mary, thank you so much....being a part of this community means the world to me, and may be part of what keeping me alive.,

      I'm jealous. I want to see "what happens" with my own eyes.

      Thank you so much for the prayers. . They are truly appreciated!

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  22. Thank you, Andrew for reminding me how selfish I am for wanting God to beam me up out of this hard life. I who am relatively healthy (still recuperating from being rear ended) should not be so eagerly willing to give it up when you want to live.

    Yes, I am in the unemployment line again. Yes, God will provide again as He has before. Yes, I will stop my pity party. Yes, I will live and give from where I am now.

    Finally - Yes, I cared enough to watch Enya's video. It is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

    Continuing to pray for you and Barb.

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    1. Not selfish, Michele. Human. Even Jesus asked that the cup bypass Him.

      You're in my prayers, Michele; I have every confidence in you, and so, I think,does the Almighty.

      I'm delighted that you enjoyed the video; one of my all-time favourites.

      I truly appreciate the prayers, and I apologise for the choppiness of this reply. Not doing too well at present.

      God bless!

      Andrew (#2 this week).

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    1. Thank you so much, Denise. It's always appreciated, and today it's needed more than ever. I'm in pretty bad shape, in all respects.

      Thank you for being here. Thank you so much.

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  24. Yes, you are a testimony to living for Christ in the midst of pain and suffering. Yes, I pray for you and Barb.

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayers, Debbie. Even through the times when God seems absent, faith is the light that dispels the gloom...and the morning, His morning, does come.

      Thank you for being here. I truly appreciate your presence.

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  25. Thanks for your example of strength and honesty as you face the battles du jour. I am amazed at how much, how well you have written in five minutes. I'll be thinking about your "yes" this week.

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    1. Thank you, COnstance...I do have a lot of help when I write...or should I say Help? Though sometimes He talks faster than I can type!

      I'm very appreciate of your presence here - thank you so much for this, and for taking the time to comment.

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  26. Andrew, Sitting here through tears and at the same time with such a smile because I know what you mean about the living life where you are and making it everything you can. You have to laugh at life. No matter what it throws at you, and I love so much that you and Barbara have not lost your love for life and for each other. Blessings to you both. You are never far from my mind and prayers.

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    1. Kim, thank you....and yes, you have to laugh at life, because what's really the point of so much of it...warthogs, for instance, or disco...if not to make us laugh?

      I always remember that it takes something like forty-three muscles to frown, but only seventeen to smile. I'm lazy; I'll smile.

      I really appreciate the prayers, Kim. This has been a kind of awful weekend, and the prayer-support helps, more than you may realize.

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  27. Yes, life is about giving from where you are. And you do it beautifully, my friend. It's such a privilege to watch from afar. You are loved and prayed for. And it's always a pleasure to read and learn from your hard-won words.

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    1. Oh, Holly, thank you! It has been a tough couple of days...and the last few hours were brutal...but your words are a life-preserver thrown to a man fallen overboard in the storm.

      Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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  28. We want you to be here too, Andrew. I truly feel like your writing and continued days are a miracle of God's grace and power every time you see the sun rising. I'm thanking God for all that you've done for us and praying that each day He gives you the ability to bear up under your pain and continue to add to your legacy.

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    1. Beth, thank you; I want to be here, and being able to help in this way is more than I could have dreamed of. This is the focus, the reason I was made, I think.

      Today was terrible, but I'm still here, and I intend to see as many tomorrows as possible. There is still work to be done; there is duty, and love implicit therein.

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  29. Each post is such a gift, Andrew... it seems to cost you more each time to write them, and we appreciate their value. I was so humbled, challenged and realigned by this one. My perspective on an issue had been way off, and this post was a much-needed antidote. You write from a place of clarity right now that we need to hear very much, so thank you.

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  30. I'm praying for you. I want you to live, too. And your writing is beautiful.

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    1. Thank you, Shelli. Thank you so much; you're a heroic figure of godliness and faith for me, and your words, and prayers, mean very, very much.

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  31. Andrew, I am so thankful you continue to say "yes" to God, despite your pain. You continue to inspire me to live well. This pretty much sums it up for me, "Life is about what you give from where you are." So good!

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    1. Barbie, thank you so much for this...your words are here at exactly the right time. It's been an awful weekend, but the support and kind warmth you've given me have placed new strength into my heart.

      And from the bottom of that heart, I thank you.

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  32. Andrew, you have blessed SO MANY others that face chronic pain, cancer, debilitating diseases. It can be so lonely when you have a chronic illness that can't be seen but yet your pain is so real. Then you feel bad when you read something from someone who is "worse off" than you are and shrink back thinking you shouldn't even complain in comparison. But I have another friend who suffers so much with lupus and RA and so many other issues that has told me, "If I have two broken legs and you only have one broken leg, that doesn't make YOUR leg hurt less than mine!" And she is so right.. So with your "two broken legs" you have blessed all of us that only suffer with one. Peace and strength to you today. ♥

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