They say that no one, on his deathbed, wishes he had spent more time at the office.
It's maybe true, but it's not as self-evident as it seems.
When we're courting, hormones and emotion pull us to spend as much time together as we can...
and when we're not together, we're thinking about each other.
And we think it shall always be thus.
But courtship is not a 'natural' state. We're still pretty much who we were before we met that special someone.
Marriage changes our lives, but it doesn't immediately change US. That happens, if it's going to happen, over time, and with conscious intent.
I am a case in point. One of the failings in my marriage is that I convinced my wife, and tried to convince myself, that I could change, through Love, from a maniac who exercised for three hours after work, and then worked on airplanes until three a.m.
I did change my lifestyle, yes, but I hadn't changed, and like ripples from a rock tossed into a pond, unhappiness spread.
You can't go from an addiction to work to an appreciation of leisure by wishing it.
In the end, I was a happier person, and a better husband, at the distance engendered by my frenetic nature.
Illness has not changed that. While I appreciate the beauty and poignancy of my limited moments, sitting on the sofa and holding hands just isn't on.
Do I wish it were different, that I were different? Sure. But you do your best with what you have, and hindsight is not 20-20.
It's legally blind.
This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday at www.messymarriage.com.