Life is not always like a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie.
On the screen, people with dread illnesses face them with tears, and depression, and then faith, buttressed by the love and support of their families. The may live, or they may die, but the story and faith arcs go through the place where adversity builds character.
But sometimes, adversity just makes you mean. Mean enough to take the pain, mean enough not to spare yourself for the sake of living, and mean enough to survive.
No one makes movies about that.
There comes a point beyond which one can't...well, I can't respond to unremitting pain with grace and lovingkindness.
I can't thank God for some of these moments. I believe that God is just as angry and upset as I am, with what's happening.
I use very bad language, to help focus the aggression I sometimes need to simply rise to a standing position. And I believe that God has my back, using very bad good language.
I will survive, or I'll die trying, and no one had better get in my way with talk of "acceptance", or a suggestion that I might listen to Amy Grant saying how God like "a dying man giving up the fight better than a Halelluyah:."
Bring that stuff here, and you'll be wearing your iPad. Internally.
Maybe it's better to be accepting and pleasant. Maybe it's better to let go and "let God".
But I can't, and I won't. This is war,and it's what God made me for.